It's a Melancholy Sunday

I've been having an emotionally rough few days.  Yeah, okay, when am I not, right?  I've been planning, preparing, and hoping things go well next week.  My temporary position is done and now I am back out into the world looking for something new.  I'm excited and terrified at the same time.  February 18th was my last day. I took BART to Fremont then bussed to San Jose to visit with my grandmother.  I didn't blog while I was there because I didn't want to use my data.  Once I got home I worked on behind the scenes stuff instead writing an entry.

I had a nice visit with my grandmother. I helped her with some chores and we had a heart to heart.  I got to visit with my uncles who come over a few times a week.  I plan to go back if I don't have anything solid for work in the next couple weeks.

I have a list of things I want to accomplish at home before I start working again.  Such as cleaning the house from top to bottom. Finishing my purging without interruptions.  I edited my list today and broke it all down by room and even broke it down some more.  This is my crazy way of making sure I don't miss anything.  Once the list was done I needed to make a trip to the store to pick up a few things.  I heard Stomp by Kirk Franklin playing in a woman's car as she passed by.  That was all it took for me.  I got home and HAD to listen to Gospel.  There is something emotionally powerful about Gospel and I needed to hear it. It helped boost my mood, but as the day went on my music choices kept changing.  Pandora must have thought I lost my mind with my hourly change of genres.  I couldn't find anything I liked, nothing that resonated with my emotions.

At some point in the day, due to something said, a realization about a few friends hit me.  They aren't really my friends and I started thinking about the few times we've hung out and how things didn't seem right.  So of course I ask one of them and it was made clear that I was the "friend" people go to when boredom strikes and/or no one else is available because they felt sorry for me.  Well then, good-bye to you and the rest. There is more to this story but that is not important.  I'm not mad, just wish I would have noticed.  It's obvious I need to be more careful about who I allow in my real life.  I have a bad habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt and looking for the good in all.  I wish I wasn't like that.  I'm second guessing all my friendships at the moment.I know I shouldn't but I start over thinking.
This is when the Kelly Clarkson & Jason Mraz playlists on my Itunes became my choice for the rest of the day.  Their music can be melancholy and uplifting all in one for me.  I probably should change the music to something more fun or calming.

The fairweather friend removal has given me in a stronger purging mood.  Now I want to purge more than my home.  I've been saying I wanted to update my social networking and do some digital cleaning. Maybe it's time to remove people in real life too; I'll add those to my list.  The house first though. Home and personal care always comes first. Because I can ignore the internet and people, but I can't ignore my home, kids, or myself.  I sometime wish I was more like a friend (?) who can easily have zero attachment to things and people. No care in the world except for self, family, and close friends.  I would like to be less sentimental, attached and overly caring.  I'm working on it and slowly getting to a comfortable place of un-attachment to all things.  Someday I will have my shit together, I hope.

I'm not really melancholy anymore.  I feel much better, I guess I needed to vent.  Thanks for reading.  I am tired, so off to bed I go.

Good Night