An Interesting Insight to my Mindful Happiness

I like this quote.  It's something my old self would say with a passive aggressive attitude.  I guess I can say I still have a 4 foot wall up that I can peek over to see whose coming my way.   I can also say I have built a nice little gate that never locks.  It easily swings open to those who want to visit.  They can come and go as they please.  No one is locked out or in.  It doesn't matter if you want to stay or not.  I welcome short term visitors.  Actually I prefer it these days.  There was a time I would have wanted, no, needed people to stay, hopefully forever.  Not anymore.  My journey of Mindful Happiness has freed me from possession, obsession, jealousy, and attachment.  It also has me lost for words, freed from negative emotions, and loss of remembering dreams.  I am in a place of peace and contentment.  With this peace has come silence.  I no longer have anything to say.  I never thought of my words being important in the past, yet I always had something to say.  Hoping someone would hear me,  notice me.  Not anymore, I like being invisible now.  I'm keeping the weight I lost off, because I am no longer emotionally eating.  I enjoy alone time more than having company.  It seems this short wall I have up may be blocking some emotions/feelings I think I should have: Desire, motivation, passion, and love.  My love for things has dwindled to semi-likes and the love for people is gone.  Of course I love my kids and I love myself.  My desire to be with someone is no where to be seen.  I look at and talk with  people and see nothing appealing about them.   I have been forcing myself to get out there and socialize.  I am failing horribly, or am I...  I enjoy talking to strangers or going on dates, but after an hour, I cant wait to get away.  I'm okay with meeting up with friends, but not for too long.  I just want to quietly enjoy the world behind a book or drink, alone.  I have no interest in doing creative things of any kind.  Exercising has become dull.  Even blogging has lost its luster.  In a way, I have become numb; I just don't care anymore.  I need simplicity and nothing more.

Who knew mindful happiness would do this to me..   Oh well, I'm happy and don't want to change it.

Think Happy, Be Happy :)

March Goals.

First off, I have awful hand writing. I think i need to add practice penmanship.

I have decided what my March Goals will be.  I failed February as I did not blog every single day.  I missed about 3 or so days of water and exercise.  I guess I did okay for February.  March will be hard.  I can be a social person online and I have a hard time keeping my mouth closed.  The purpose of this goal is to learn to just be in the moment.  To not look at my phone when I am bored.  To learn how to be less open to the world, and keep many things to myself.  I've been doing okay with the keeping certain things to myself.  I need to improve on it.  I will continue with Februarys goals as well except I will reduce my water to 80 oz.





- Be Mindful of your words.  I need to practice this, I have a habit of saying things I regret, I don't analyze what I want to say before I say it.  I need to slow down and think.   I have a list of words and phrases I would like to remove from my vocabulary.  Now I need to think of some fabulous words to add.

- Less Social Media, 3 days a week at most or an hour a day (posting blogs on sites). Blogging doesn't count and I can blog as much as I like.  Like I said above, I want to stop going to Social Media every time I'm bored.  In my last post about the dreams I've been having, I removed myself from Social Media completely.  I will not be doing so at this time.  I will reduce my time and decide which accounts should be deleted and which will be useful to keep.

- Giving up and letting go.  This is just my way of saying the time of purging is now and must be complete by the end of March.  When it comes to people.  I just wish the ones who stick around because they are bored, or because they feel sorry for me would just go away.  There are so many people that keep me around for no reason.  They aren't really my friends, I'm just a part of their collection.   Then there are the few that have me around "just in case"...  I was once a person who did that to someone else.  It's awful.  Don't do it.  Please don't make me the back burner friend.  I do not know if anyone is doing that, but I hope if there is someone, they will be kind enough to tell me the truth.  

Do I Follow the Signs?

I have had a dream three times in the last week.  The first dream woke me up and frightened me.  In the end, I was alone, though content and happy enough, I was very lonely.  The loneliness was my only struggle throughout the dream.  It wasn't all the time, just at key moments of my life in the dream.  I seemed happy, I really did.  Maybe I was just feeling sorry my dream self and didn't like the idea of always being alone in the future.  There was no one in the dream that was friend or family.  There were strangers, colleges, and such.  Just no one close to me in any way.  What does that mean?  How do I proceed with that?  Do I remove everyone from my life or is this what will happen if I don't change?

Usually if I have a dream more than once some or all of it comes true in some way.  Two small parts have already happened in real life, I'm now waiting for the second half of one of these scenes to play out.  There are parts of the dream that came to me so vivid and strong.  Almost as if I HAVE to do what my dream was telling me.  The only difference in the dreams is when these things start to happen.  One dream started today, when something changed in my life.  In the dream I deleted all Social Media, including my blog.  I remove myself from the digital world.  I have been contemplating this drastic decision all week.  The dream had me pretty much remove myself from the world.  I went to work and I came home.  I did nothing else.  I became silent, distant, emotionless, and a workaholic.  No time for anyone or anything.  I no longer saw the world, as if I was walking through a frosted glass tunnel.  I can hear it all but everything around me was blurry.   It seems in the dream I was invisible.  Maybe I was dead in the dream.  No, that can't be right.  There were parts of the dream that death would not fit.

I won't lie or hide the fact that though this dream sounds lonely and depressing, I am okay with it becoming a reality.  The thing about these dreams is that a part of me somewhat feels the way I did in the dream.  Does this mean the rest of me will finally go along with it?   I truly wish I was silent and emotionless.  I have far to much emotion for one person to handle and I say too much.

I have been writing all this crazy lists and trying to figure out how I want things to be for myself.  Maybe that is why I keep having these dreams.  My silly ideas are forming into what might happen.  There are certain things, many things I want to change about myself and I believe they are manifesting in these dreams to show my either how to go about getting where I want to be or a warning of what will happen if i do follow through.  The question is Do I follow the signs?

A Busy Weekend

I had a nice busy weekend. Busy enough for me to forget to blog.  Saturday I went to A Cut Above in Antioch and had my hair cut a little short. At first I was going in for a trim, but when I woke up Saturday I had a strong desire to try something different.  I have never had my hair straightened in order to cut it before. That was a new experience.  I like the new look and there are plenty of fun options with the new do.

I'm not a fan of the straight hair

I prefer this curly look

My friend JW came over as he accepted my offer to treat him to Tacos and Beer, and maybe a movie. We had beer and appetizers while trying to figure out what the next step was before the movie. It was still early, so we headed out to Martinez for a stroll down by the water.  As we stood on the dock someone was lighting heart shaped paper lanterns and sending them off over the water. It was cute to watch them. We decided to skip the movie as the day went on. The only option really was seventh son, which I want to see, but it got horrible reviews. I'll wait for it to come out on Netflix. By the time we were done walking we were ready for tacos. That's all we'd been thinking about. JW suggested a little restaurant he'd been to once before.  I'm always interested in trying new places.  The restaurant is La Primavera on Pine Street in Martinez and it was superb. A beautiful mural covers the whole place, I wish I would have taken a picture of some of the lovely art work. The customer service is on point, the employees work their asses off. We both ordered the Taco Dinner and as we waited I started second guessing my choice. We sat at the bar and had front seat view of every dish being made, it all looked fantastic. We got our tacos and devoured our food. It was delicious! I have to go back soon.  After tacos we picked up some ice cream, cookies, and brownies to snack on while watching Netflix. 

Taco dinner plate from La Primavera

Sunday JW and I went on a nice hike at Mt Wanda in Martinez. It was a steady up hill struggle.  I am out of shape and need to start walking and hiking more.  Maybe it's time for the weekly hikes again. While we were hiking, there was a man running/jogging up and down the trails. Talk about feeling like a fat ass while watching this guy, and of course I start thinking about food.  The view was lovely and the workout was a much needed ass kicking. 

We head to Concord and stop in The Hop Grenade Taproom & Bottle Shop ... I don't have a picture of the bread because I was too busy enjoying it.  It was the end of SF Beer Week so plenty of people coming in to enjoy the beer and appetizers.

Firestone Walker & Heretic Evil Twin

 It was fun to people watch while there. I overheard people talking about the app Untappd. My friend V had mentioned it before, but I never really checked it out. So I did what all normal people these days do. I downloaded the app, checked in and added my beer. While looking through options on the app we saw a beer that was near by at Slow Hand BBQ. So, guess where we went next? Slow Hand BBQ has some great food; It hit the spot for sure.  It's a hidden little spot in with some offices and a little shop. I forgot what JW got, which was going to be my choice until he suggested the Blind Pig for me.  It was good but I had a hard time finishing it. I should have gotten a soda. The day ended with some shopping for video games and hats.  Then a nice long nap, so long I didn't get up till after 6 this morning. Good thing I had the day off.

Brisket, Hot Link, and Coleslaw

Add caption

It was a nice long weekend. Well worth all the yumminess. Thank you JW for being my food adventurist partner this weekend. 

Throwing Thursday Back

Tonight will just be a Throw back Thursday. Why? Because I said so, that's why!

In random order

1978 Family photo. 

2004 Family photo

My parents gettin' down at Michael's wedding 2012

Oreo wrapping his feet around OJs head 2008

Me and Jen 2012

Music on my Mind

It's Monday, How has your day been?  Mine has been a little slow but good. I applied for a new position at my current job. Hopefully I hear back from them soon.

That's not why I'm writing though. I've been stuck listening to love songs most of the day.  For some reason my ipod insists on playing only love songs. I know there are many other genres on my little device, so why is it playing girly, mooshy, love songs?  Finally I couldn't take it and hit the forward button a few times without paying attention.  In hopes of something different would play and I got my wish.  One of my new favorite YouTube songs played.

OH JEFFEREY

This is my other favorite song from him, but I haven't downloaded it yet.

I'M READING A BOOK

Thank you Julian Smith for making my day better with your songs.  Also thank you to JW for making me smile today.

Lent Update: Illness, Pain, and My Lady Parts Again.

Yay!

I haven't posted in a week.  Oh well, shit happens. Monday March 31st I went in for an ultrasound on my lady parts.  Drinking 32 ounces of water and holding it is not cool. All ladies know it's torture.  Anywho, I go in and the tech goops me up and ask questions while she starts looking around from above (wand on my abdomen).  We talk about my history of Ovarian Cysts and how often I get them and test for them.  Then once her questions stop, she gets quiet, too quiet.  I start getting nervous and just stare at the ceiling.  I'm laying there waiting for her to say "Oh no, that's not good" or something like that.  She doesn't say much after the questions.  Only when she asks me to go take a piss and undress from the waist down for the internal view. Yes guys, internal... I hop back up on the table on this god awful pillow that is hurting my back and ass.  UGH, who designs this shit?  The tech makes sure I'm "propped up" correctly and then says "relax." All I could think was; Uhm, you're about to shove a wand the size of a large vibrator in my vagina and I don't even know your first name.  I guess I can't complain too much, the wand was smaller this time around.  I wonder what that tool is actually called.  The tech takes a quick peek at my vagina and shoves the wand right up into my ovaries. OUCH! Then she's twisting and turning this damn thing like it doesn't hurt.  All she can say is "Sorry if that's uncomfortable."  Uh yeah, you're shoving this wand all sideways in my vagina, shit, I don't even fuck like that.  I think many medical techs are seriously sadistic.  I should have asked for a copy of my pics of my inner lady parts to share with you guys.  Maybe I can get one later.

I went to Schooners for lunch with JW after that because I really needed a beer.  Who doesn't need a beer after being violated? I had a club sandwich, and it was delicious.  I inhaled that fucker.  Good thing JW was off work for his own reasons, it was pouring when I was done with my appointment and he gave me a ride home after lunch.  Have I said lately how grateful I am for my friends?

I called in on Tuesday to find out my results and everything came back great.  EVERYTHING, so what do I do now?  What does that mean when the symptoms are still here?  Now to make another appointment and maybe more tests.  Cross your fingers, toes, legs, arms, eyes, balls, and ovaries that everything goes well.

Samantha had multiple appointments on Wednesday.  Yeah we had a busy week in the medical world.  We were at Samantha's appointment forever.  Her Doc, asked questions and gave us some good advise for Samantha's eating habits.  Everything is looking good, but we are still unable to find out what is causing her nausea, headaches, and chronic fatigue.  More blood work was done for Diabetes and a recheck of her CBC.  She had one last immunization, yay!  We were also given a referral for Samantha to get an EEG and ECG (EKG).  Samantha had heart problem in utero and soon after birth.  Every few years we go in for tests to make sure there are no problems. Even I have to get regular heart check ups now due to the medication I was on during my pregnancy.  Hopefully these tests will give us a better understanding to what is happening to my mini me.  Maybe I can get a copy of these tests and I care share them with you too.  After the appointment we went to IHOP and had bacon burgers.  Yeah, because we need more health problems, right?

Mmmm Bacon burger

Friday, I went to my very first hockey game.  I went to see Stockton Thunder vs. Utah Grizzlies.  It was great, I loved it and would sooo go again.  It wasn't as cold as my friends on Facebook said it would be, but maybe it was just this arena.  It was Military appreciation weekend; It was nice to see military families out enjoying the game.  Before the game we stopped at a local bar called Valley Brewing Company to have a beer and appetizers.  I'm not a fan of eating stadium food from anywhere. I'm afraid i'll die from what might be in the food.

Photo courtesy of JW

The weekend was nice and relaxing.  Had some wine and grilled cheese.  Oh the grilled cheese was delicious.  Habanero Gouda and Jalapeno Jack with onions, tomato, and avocado.  Fuck Yes! and Thank You!

Second bottle for the night. That grilled cheese was delish. 

Watched some TV, read some Floating Dragon by Peter Straub.  The book was hard to get into and has some weird parts, but it's a good read.  I did some much needed grocery shopping and bought almost NO junk food.  I got the kids a 12 pack of soda and I bought me some tapioca pudding & jalapeno cheetos.  YUM!  BBQ'd on Sunday with great company.  Came home to sick kids though, not cool.  I ended up picking them both up from school early today.

Lent Day Nine, March 13:I need to Relax

Creator & Author Unknown 

After yesterdays cry & whine fest,  and my venting to a friend. I ended up taking a couple Melatonin and crash.  It helped, this morning I felt a bit better and decided to get out and go for a nice walk this morning.  I was originally going to walk up to Black Diamond Mines, but instead I took a path that lead me to Canal Park and I enjoyed some time on the swings.  I went home more relaxed, and I had some time to reflect and write.  I think I need to really find out why my past likes to creep up on me, or more so, why I allow it to.  The above picture states "It's okay to have a meltdown." Well there was a time I had a meltdown almost daily.  I had a hard time controlling my emotions.  I also had a hard time facing my fears and my past.  I had not only unpacked, but I was living in a state of disaster.

Over the last few years I have been working on not allowing my emotions to run my life, but to pay attention and try to understand what and why i felt the way I do.  I have worked hard at not letting my emotions overwhelm me, but as you can see form many of my older entries I am still very much an emotional being.  I still have my meltdowns, just not as often and I can usually pinpoint why I am freaking out.  So today I sit and write what is bothering me and tell myself to find where the past and present are colliding and figure out what i need to do about it.  For the most part, I just need to accept the past as it is- The Past, forgive what was done and myself, and move forward.  It sounds simple enough, but nothing is ever as simple as it seems.  So, it's a work in progress and that's okay.

It was so pretty and meditative walking this trail in the early morning.

First thing I thought when i realized where the trail took me: "oooh swings, YAY!"

Swings can be so therapeutic.  As I sat there swaying back and forth, I closed my eyes and just let my mind drift off.



















Question: Who was there for you when no one else was?

For a long time I had no one.  Then I met Ellen, She was there for me during one of my hardest times, I also have Virginia, Becca, and Michelle.  They all have been there for me when I needed someone the most. Thank you so much for your friendships ladies.  You are much appreciated.

Lent day 8: PMS from HELL

Okay I don't really know what is going on with me.  I have been an emotional mess for days.  This isn't the first time, but the last few months it's been building up within me. Like a battle of demons inside my head and my heart.  I have a challenged past, but who doesn't? Every so often it creeps back up to haunt me. The demons from long ago torment me in my sleep and in my head.  Before I would find ways to suppress them.  I would try to pretend they were not there and hope they go away. Something is different this time and they are stronger than ever.

I have been a whining, crying super brat to my friend JW. This poor guy has been trying to deal with my crap the last few days because no one else is brave enough.  Okay, I didn't cry to anyone else because most of my friends would have ran away.  All I have to say is THANK YOU!  thank you for letting me vent and cry to you. Thank you for putting up with my pmsing girly shit.  You are an amazing friend!

What have I realized from all the venting and kindness from my friend?  Maybe this time, I should figure out why they keep coming back to me.  Maybe it's time to face why these things bother me so much. I need to find a way to accept, understand, and release these demons from my thoughts, heart and soul.  Only then will I be free to move forward and be a better me.

I saw an article that I want to share with you.  One of the topics is about mindful meditation. I have done that before years ago and i think it's time to start again.

8 Ways to Defeat Persistent Unwanted Thoughts


I will be skipping the question tonight. I am emotionaly drained from the day and all my crying (yes I was seriously crying) and venting.

Thank you and good night

Lisa

Giving Thanks in November, when else?

http://irishruleoflaw.ie/

It's funny how when November comes up EVERYONE want to do a daily Grateful/ Thankful for post on Facebook and other social networking platforms.  Why is it only in November that we do this,  because of Thanksgiving?   Gah, we are some lame asses.

What the hell am I rambling on about?  Oh yes giving thanks and that is what this entry is about. I'm going to give all my thanks in one post.  So I hope you are ready for it. I was going to do a daily thank you, but that is just too damn much and can get frighteningly personal.  (I almost wasn't sure if frighteningly was a word)

Now, before I get started on the mushy stuff I want to share a cool think I saw on Google+. Please listen to it because it is so beautiful and one of the many reasons I give thanks  and am grateful to be alive everyday.  You should listen to the beautiful crickets while reading this entry. Yup.

Crickets singing at human speed.   The comments are pretty interesting too.


My lazy ass giving thanks:

1. My parents, that's a given right.  If it wasn't for them I wouldn't exist.  EVERYONE should thank my parents!

2. Everyone of my awesome friends parents... Yea that's right because I wouldn't know you if your parents didn't bump uglies at one point. (Who the hell coined the term bump uglies anyway?)

3. My sisters, because it's the law or something.. Nah my sister are cool, though I missed out on most of their lives I still love them and wish we lived closer so I could see my nieces and nephew grow up.

4. My children's fathers:  Yep I said it. Again, if it wasn't for them my awesome kids would not be here today.  Also, if they didn't put me through all the bullshit they did, I wouldn't be the bitch I am today.  But you get no love from me. Just a quick Thanks and move on.

5.  Shelby: My eldest, who has taught so much about tolerance and acceptance than anyone ever has.   I can't wait to see your books on the shelves in stores.  You will be an exceptional author/illustrator. I love you and miss you so so much.  (she lives on the East Coast)

6.David: My son who is a challenge at most times, but is becoming a good man.  To see you find interest in Engineering and science the way you do is awesome, even if I have no idea what you're talking about.  I love you even if you don't like hearing it.

7. Samantha: oh my mini me... Only 13 and you have grown into a magnificent updated version of me.  I can't even express the awe and joy of watching you grow up and being the one that gets to guide you into adulthood and awesomeness.   Sometimes I am amazed that I made such a fabulous creature.  I love you oh so much mini me.

8. Michelle, Becca, Dondra, Jen, Debbie:  you girls are my family.  Though we haven't spoken all the time over the years, you girls are the ones I know I can go to for anything.  I appreciate all that you have done for me and the relationships we have.  Thank you for everything.  Words cannot express the love I have for you girls.

9. Tammi:  A beautiful soul, with a talent I am envious of.  Your words touch me deeply and your life even more so.  You are one of the most amazing people I know and I am thankful for having the chance to be a small part of your life. I love you Tammi.

10. Nick, Jeremy, Donny, Gabe, Mark, Byron, Henry, Tony, Harley, and Kyle:  You gentlemen have been my best buds for so long.  The few I can talk to about anything, literally anything and I love it.   Having friends like you guys is fan-fucking-tastic.  Everyone should have friends like you.  I love you guys to death, always and forever.

11. Sonia, Kyle, Becca, Jeff, and Dany:  Thank you so so much for giving the boost and encouragement I needed to get back into eating healthy and fitness.  making the decision to have a healthier lifestyle is hard, but you all have given me the motivation I needed to stay on track. Thank you!

12. Ryan: I could never write all the reasons I am thankful for knowing you.  You put up with me at one of my hardest times.  Thank you for all you did for me in the past and all you do for me now.  You're a good friend and I appreciate our friendship.  Love you much.

13. Virginia: My twin,  my favorite coffee buddy and confidant.  thank you for being there for me when I was a brat and helping me through what should have not been a difficult time.  You let me pitch a fit and talk shit and rant about all the feels I had.  Now looking back that shit was funny as hell.  Thank you for all you do twin.  I love you to death and for always.  P.S. We need to do coffee again.

14. J.W.:  Though we have not known each other long, you have made an impact on my life.  I had all these rules in my head about how things should go.  Mostly to protect myself, but at the same time it was preventing myself from taking chances.  Thank you for reaching out even though neither one of us had any idea what that would do.  You're an awesome person.  I am thankful for meeting you and having the chance to know you. I'm sure I have plenty more to learn from you.  xoxo

I love you guys and gals more than you could ever know.  Thank you for being a part of my life.  I can't imagine what life would be like without you.

Love Always,

Lisa

P.S.  Thats all the Thanks I'm giving.  Deal with it!

Broken Rearview Mirror.

2012 has come to an end, well just about. So much happened this year and yet not much of what I wanted. You can't always get what you want, right? Let's do a quick recap:

-I went back and forth to San Francisco to help Ryan and his family pack for their move. It was a chapter ending and new chapters being written for all of us. The house in San Francisco was like a second home. It was my getaway, a place for me to think and to get lost in adventures alone in the city & woods. I miss it so much.
-My cousin Michael was married and I had the chance to see my fathers side of the family.
-I decided to go blonde then went back to a color as close as I could to my natural color. I love the blonde but, I swore i would let my hair grow out for one year. It's so hard to not dye it.
-I disowned my mothers sister, that is all.
-I saw Jason Mraz & Christina Perri in concert.
-I started school again and will graduate August 2013.
-I was fortunate to hang out with some old friends & two tried to teach me how to snowboard.
-I was told I'm not the kind of girl you take home to mother. I'm too different/weird/cool to have as a girlfriend- I'm forever in the friendzone or the booty call zone.  These people are no longer my friend but sadly it seems thats the kind of guys I attract, so I have no new guy friends. When did sex become a requirement for friendship? Like I said I just happen to attract those kind of guys.  I'll pass!
-I also lost friends when I started school. I wasn't able to drop what I was doing for people, so they quit talking to me all together. Oh well, their loss.
- Friends passed away and I had to say goodbye too soon.  I guess that's just the way it is.

So, what have I learned?
I learned that some friends weren't really my friends. That even family isn't what it used to be. I'm not marriage or even girlfriend material, so I should start collecting my cats and spinster hats. I watch too many movies, or I need to watch more movies. Not sure which. I am emotionally stronger and less stressed than I have been in past years. I no longer have interest in making new friends. I don't care if you like me or want to be friends. I have learned to be comfortably alone, it doesn't bother me anymore.

I saw some movies this year, I think was more, but these are the ones that I remember:
 The Raven
The Dark Knight Rises
The Amazing Spiderman
Total Recall
Taken 2
The Man with the Iron Fists
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Les Miserables

I will end this blog with a song dedicated to 2012. It was a little rough but not to bad and, it made me so much stronger than I thought I could be.  No looking back, only moving forward.

Hot Momma & kids

The weather has been ridiculous. I wish it would make up its mind. Over the weekend it was in the 100s and all we did was sleep or watch movies. It was just too hot to function. So much so that David and I both became ill. I don't know how people work outdoors in such heat. Farm workers, landscapers, and construction workers; I give you all much respect for the work you do. 

I live in an apartment complex that is considered the projects, it said so in my lease when I moved in. It is low income housing (Sec 8/ HUD/ Tax credit). I'll go into more detail about my life in The Projects another time. Don't get me wrong, I do love my 'hood, but today we talk about the Heat. We recently had some remodeling done and all of a sudden we are no longer allowed to have window air conditioners due to some fire safety issue. All these years we've had the window air conditioners and now we can't? Weird... and it sucks because it is too darn hot to be upstairs in this heat. I have 2 floor fans and a ceiling fan (in the dining room) going 24/7.  Lucky for us it is just cool enough to handle the warm weather upstairs tonight. 

My twin (not really twins) Virginia invited us to go swimming at her place today. It was perfect timing since it was in the mid 90s today. The kids had a good time. David said he didn't want to go but i made him, and then he says "I'm not swimming" but he did. Crazy kid. I didn't swim, but I did get to have some sister time with Virginia; it's been a while since we talked. 

It was a good day for a hot one. 

Just having a good relaxing time.

Day 6: the person I like and why

30 Day Blog Challenge Day 6: The person you like and why you like them.

I am guessing the Challenge writer is talking about some I would have a crush on or like for more than a friend. Well I don't really like anyone at the moment and when I do I won't tell anyone. I have made a rule for myself. I will not allow myself to show any interest beyond friendship to anyone. That I need not allow my emotions to rule my actions. I'm still working on it. I think having a little crush is okay, it's easy to snap out of those, but no lovey dovey shit. That's when people get hurt, mostly me. So, it's not allowed.

I am thankful for...

My children_ My reason for living. I don't know what I will do when they are all grown up and move away.

My parents _ I wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for them.

My home_ Though there are some bad days living in the projects. I can't complain. I don't live with my parents or other family member. I don't have to worry about rules or people I don't know coming through. This is MY HOME, it's my way or GTFO!

The experiences I’ve had_ I have been through some amazing experiences, but I have also dealt with some horrible ones as well. They all made me who I am today. STRONGER

Music & Art_ Both have helped me through many hard times and celebrated with me in good times. I can’t live without it.

Sex & Porn_ Yes please & Thank you :) Sadly it's more like Porn & self love, but it's better than nothing at all.

My friends_ who bravely stay with me even though they thought “damn, that chick is a stuck up bitch” when they first met me, then “damn she’s hella cool, super honest, doesn’t give a fuck, … holy shit this bitch is crazy” as we got to know each other.. then ” why the fuck am I friends with her… oh that’s right cause this bitch is crazy” :) THANK YOU FOR PUTTING UP WITH ME ALL THESE YEARS!

Thank you