An Interesting Insight to my Mindful Happiness

I like this quote.  It's something my old self would say with a passive aggressive attitude.  I guess I can say I still have a 4 foot wall up that I can peek over to see whose coming my way.   I can also say I have built a nice little gate that never locks.  It easily swings open to those who want to visit.  They can come and go as they please.  No one is locked out or in.  It doesn't matter if you want to stay or not.  I welcome short term visitors.  Actually I prefer it these days.  There was a time I would have wanted, no, needed people to stay, hopefully forever.  Not anymore.  My journey of Mindful Happiness has freed me from possession, obsession, jealousy, and attachment.  It also has me lost for words, freed from negative emotions, and loss of remembering dreams.  I am in a place of peace and contentment.  With this peace has come silence.  I no longer have anything to say.  I never thought of my words being important in the past, yet I always had something to say.  Hoping someone would hear me,  notice me.  Not anymore, I like being invisible now.  I'm keeping the weight I lost off, because I am no longer emotionally eating.  I enjoy alone time more than having company.  It seems this short wall I have up may be blocking some emotions/feelings I think I should have: Desire, motivation, passion, and love.  My love for things has dwindled to semi-likes and the love for people is gone.  Of course I love my kids and I love myself.  My desire to be with someone is no where to be seen.  I look at and talk with  people and see nothing appealing about them.   I have been forcing myself to get out there and socialize.  I am failing horribly, or am I...  I enjoy talking to strangers or going on dates, but after an hour, I cant wait to get away.  I'm okay with meeting up with friends, but not for too long.  I just want to quietly enjoy the world behind a book or drink, alone.  I have no interest in doing creative things of any kind.  Exercising has become dull.  Even blogging has lost its luster.  In a way, I have become numb; I just don't care anymore.  I need simplicity and nothing more.

Who knew mindful happiness would do this to me..   Oh well, I'm happy and don't want to change it.

Think Happy, Be Happy :)

My Random Opinion

This was supposed to be about what I am looking for in a relationship, sorta.  Somehow it turned into what I think about all the quotes online about relationships.  This is what happens when I go looking for a picture or quote for the blog.  I get sidetracked and sometimes frustrated.  Most of the darn quotes are made by teenagers who don't know anything about love yet and the rest are from books or movies that are just B.S. stories.  GGrrrr maybe I'm just jaded. 

NOTE: This is just my personal opinion on the quotes I found while surfing the web.  So calm yourself.

- "Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely."
I agree you shouldn't be with someone just because you are lonely.  Though, I believe we cannot help who we fall in love with, only that we can decide whether or not to act on it.  Maybe that is what the quote means, but I'm not sure. 

- "If the relationship doesn't make you a better person, then you are with the wrong one." 
Horribly written. The only person who can make you better, is YOU.  Your partner can encourage and help, but they cannot make you a better person.  If your relationship hinders your ability to better yourself, then you are in the wrong relationship.  

- "FACT: When a guy wants you to meet his parents, you're into a Lifetime Relationship."
This is B.S. Sorry teen girl who wrote this. It may have been true in the 50s.  This is not 100% true, not even 50% true today.  I've met the parents and you know what I got from it? Nothing really,  maybe some new friends, but it didn't mean I was special.  

- "You really love her, don't you? A simple psychological question, no name was mentioned but suddenly someone came into your mind."
There is also one that says him.  When I read it, a certain someone did come to mind.  I am surprised as I did not think I felt that way about this specific person.  
Did you think of someone? Are you surprised? Will you act on it, if you haven't done so yet?  

- "One of the hardest things in life is watching the one you love, love someone else."
I can understand this one, but I disagree.  For me personally, The person that I loves happiness is important to me.  Happy in life, self, and love.  I would rather the person I love be happy alone or with someone else, than be miserable with me.  

I think I'm done, maybe I'll do another at a later time. My head hurts from all these crazy quotes.  

Lent Day Nine, March 13:I need to Relax

Creator & Author Unknown 

After yesterdays cry & whine fest,  and my venting to a friend. I ended up taking a couple Melatonin and crash.  It helped, this morning I felt a bit better and decided to get out and go for a nice walk this morning.  I was originally going to walk up to Black Diamond Mines, but instead I took a path that lead me to Canal Park and I enjoyed some time on the swings.  I went home more relaxed, and I had some time to reflect and write.  I think I need to really find out why my past likes to creep up on me, or more so, why I allow it to.  The above picture states "It's okay to have a meltdown." Well there was a time I had a meltdown almost daily.  I had a hard time controlling my emotions.  I also had a hard time facing my fears and my past.  I had not only unpacked, but I was living in a state of disaster.

Over the last few years I have been working on not allowing my emotions to run my life, but to pay attention and try to understand what and why i felt the way I do.  I have worked hard at not letting my emotions overwhelm me, but as you can see form many of my older entries I am still very much an emotional being.  I still have my meltdowns, just not as often and I can usually pinpoint why I am freaking out.  So today I sit and write what is bothering me and tell myself to find where the past and present are colliding and figure out what i need to do about it.  For the most part, I just need to accept the past as it is- The Past, forgive what was done and myself, and move forward.  It sounds simple enough, but nothing is ever as simple as it seems.  So, it's a work in progress and that's okay.

It was so pretty and meditative walking this trail in the early morning.

First thing I thought when i realized where the trail took me: "oooh swings, YAY!"

Swings can be so therapeutic.  As I sat there swaying back and forth, I closed my eyes and just let my mind drift off.



















Question: Who was there for you when no one else was?

For a long time I had no one.  Then I met Ellen, She was there for me during one of my hardest times, I also have Virginia, Becca, and Michelle.  They all have been there for me when I needed someone the most. Thank you so much for your friendships ladies.  You are much appreciated.

Lent is Here! Day One

It's the first day of Lent, Ash wednesday.  I am fasting today, having only tea and water.  I am starving since I didn't eat dinner last night and had one to many drinks for Fat Tuesday.  That was not a good decision. I am very disappointed in myself at the moment.  I had a great time with a few close friends.  I should have ate more though.  Oh well, lesson learned.

I decided to weigh myself  (150 lbs.) and take pictures to post later. I want to see if there is a difference in my body shape and weight at the end of Lent. Though I am not doing this for weight loss, I would like to keep track.  I said in my last entry that I would be doing a 30 day fitness challenge and a writing challenge as well.  I will write more as I start them on Monday.

I have been working on this entry most of the day and all I can think about is tacos... Yes tacos- Jack in the Box tacos or Taco Bell tacos.  I just want some fast food tacos.

Lets do the Question of the Day shall we...

From www.thoughtquestions.com

What's one bad habit we are all better off without?

My answer is negative self thinking.  We have enough people in society telling us what they think we need or want to be.  Telling us we're not good enough, we will never make it in life, and a million other ugly comments. Many of us don't know how to get past the negative self talk because we were raised in a home with so much negative ideas. I know this all too well, for I was that child.  We break ourselves down with doubt, fear, and self abuse.  We are taught that if we are not perfect in someone else's eyes, then we are worthless.  Somehow our self worth becomes someone else's decision. Our minds become clouded with doubt, jealousy, and hate.  Some people manifest this into negative thoughts and behavior towards others.  They become bullies and doubt everyone else because they could never see past their own self negativity.  It took me years to learn to let go of my self hate and doubts; to stop questioning my choices in life based on someone else's ideas of me, their idea of what i was worth.  Looking back, I wasn't worth anything at all to them.  I was just an object either in the way, a burden, only useful when the time came for whatever they had in store for me.  Sometimes I still doubt myself, who doesn't?  I sometimes go back to those negative ideas and thoughts, I forget my worth for a moment, and I have to stop myself.  I have to remind myself that I am not the person others tried to tell me I was.

I will leave you with a quote

Lent is Coming

Yes my friends, Lent will be upon us in three weeks.  Wait, three weeks?  POOP! I don't have much time.   I am still not sure what I want to give up.  Since I started participating in Lent, I have always given up the same things.  Beef, Pork, Soda, Dining out, and Junk Food.  Once I gave up sex (including masturbation and porn); It was horrible.

I rarely eat pork these days. Mostly bacon and that's only once or twice a month.  We eat beef more now and less chicken.  Dining out isn't like it used to be.  I rarely eat fast food (though Samantha and I ate McDonalds twice last week).  Junk food and soda are still high on my list of things I eat in excess.  Maybe I should give up Bad Carbs.   Junk food and soda are part of the bad carb family, so I think it makes sense, yes?  I was also thinking about doing the Daniel Fast, but you can't drink tea.  Then there was the no processed food idea as well.  I think the no bad carb idea may be best.  It combines the bad carb and processed food together.  I still have three weeks to get ideas, so if you have one, let me know.  

I want to do something a bit different this year on top of my blogging daily about Lent.  I want to do a writing exercise.  I need 40 questions or topics to write about.  I'm looking for topics that will be thought provoking, emotional, and give me an opportunity to reflect on past experiences and really look into myself.  If you have a topic you would like me to write about or a question you would like me to answer.  Send them my way.  If I don't get 40 that's okay.  I would like as many as I can get.


That's all for now.  Good night and sweet dreams.

Your Friend,

Lisa

Update on my Procrastination.

Yes I'm a procrastinator.  I have admitted this before in an old post.  I'm working on ridding my life of it, but until then I will give you a little update.

UPDATE 1

  I have not finished my revamp and entry swapping yet.
SEE... Procrastination, that bastard!

  All the sex talk entries will be moved to Tumblr.  I will post the link to the blog when I get around to it.  Not all the entries are moving, some will be rewritten and posted.








UPDATE 2
  I have been on a blogging hiatus of sorts.  I have noticed I only blog during extreme emotion.  I don't like that.  I need to work on this problem.  There were times I wanted to blog but I was nowhere near my Mac.  I should just start taking notes on my phone as they come to me.  I do have a list of entries I want to write on in a "Blogging Journal".  It was nice to take a break though and not really think about blogging.  Time to get back into it and be more productive.

UPDATE 3
  I started a Fitness Challenge on January 15th.  It's going okay.  I ended up switching from one fitness plan to another because the new coach and workouts were too advanced for me.  Last week I hurt my lower back and hip.  Some muscle spasms and a pinched nerve for about 5 days. It hurt to walk and sit, it sucked ass.  I'm feeling much better and back on track.  I have not had any soda today and only had one yesterday.  I made cabbage soup for the next few days to help me detox.  I'm not trying to lose weight, but I am trying to learn how to live a healthier lifestyle and strengthen my core.  I'll update you as I go.  I am also using the Body by Vi shakes and I really like them.

UPDATE 4

Over the weekend I went to this awesome book store in El Cerrito called  The Bay Area Free Book Exchange with some friends.  I have been wanting to go ever since I saw them on SF Fun Cheap.  I had well over 100 books to donate and I didn't want to give them to the local library.  I have been holding on to some of these books for years knowing I would never read them. My friend JW is a sweetheart and helped me transport the books.  We get to the book store and I am so freaking excited.  I can't even tell you how happy I was to be there.  So many books to choose from and they're FREE... We left with about 17 books I think.  JW picked out 2 and Kat had maybe 6, I'm not sure.  W & S didn't pick anything out. The ones in the photo are mine.  I want to go again, so if you're interested, let me know.
  JW decided it would be a great day to go to Golden Gate Fields as well.  I have never been so of course I'm going to say Hell Yeah! My first time at a horse track and it was so fun.  I can't wait to go again.

*Hint Hint* VIRGINIA!!!





I will leave you with a quote I read this morning.  I plan on adding it to one of my soon to be rewritten entires.  It is by Tyler Knott Gregson, whom I had never heard of before today.  I am an instant fan.

"Do you think it possible that some people are born to give more love than they will ever get back in return?"

Whining Gibberish

Today became a bit emotional as the day went on. ..


      I was once told that I think too much.  I have been working hard on not being that way.  It's been working, I swear.  I have noticed lately  that I have been becoming more emotional about certain friends.  I realize we all grow apart and most of time move on.  So why does it hurt to know that a few friends are walking away from me and may possibly not be in my life by the end of the year?  I keep telling myself to get over it and let them go.  I tell myself I can't be hurt by their choice to move toward a better life for themselves.  Even if it means leaving me as a friend.  I have left some people behind, so I can't have hurt feelings. We're just friends, and if they choose to walk away, let them.  They may come back some day.  Maybe, doubtful, but maybe.  I guess it's karma for removing so many people from my life that I felt were doing me no good.  I wanted more positive, productive, and trust worthy friends.   The quote "If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is a part of yourself"(Hermann Hesse) comes to mind.  It really isn't the person, but a part of their character or behavior that I dislike/hate.  When I see characteristic traits I dislike in others I try to find it within myself and change it.  I am really working on being the best me, I can be.

Notice I keep repeating myself about letting it happen?  I wish I didn't get attached to people.  Well, I wish I didn't get attached to a few people. Everyone else can bugger off, if they so choose.  I guess I'll stop whining in this blog and go cry in the shower.


Oh and......

GO NINERS!

A promise made.

I just started the 7 day book challenge. I was going to wait until July 1, but I was really bored today and thought "If i'm bored and not being productive, then I need to find a way to be". So I started reading. In the first chapter of The Woman's Book of Confidence it is said to embrace and get to know the stranger(s) within. We all have other selves. No one is exactly the same with everyone, not to mention our critical self. The book says to get to know that critical self, to learn why it's so scared or angry. To comfort that part of you and heal from within. we need to accept ourselves and give positive self talk.There is also a part in the chapter about growing a tail. Meaning owning up to our actions and being responsible. Like I said in previous posts I am a procrastinator and always felt i needed someone else to wind me up. I am also bad with the critical self, i have a horrible habit of bashing myself. I also have a hard time accepting compliments. These are things I need to work on.
~
On another note. I have been having a hard week. Which is why I really wanted to do the challenge. I need to read up on how to better myself and work on accepting myself. On Sunday July 1, 2012 I will be 35 years  old. that is not old, but I feel unaccomplished. The goals I set 10 years ago did not get fulfilled and I feel like a failure. I didn't work hard enough, I was careless with my finances, and I let my relationship fall apart and end. I am in the same spot I was ten years ago and I have nothing to show for it. Yes I am bashing a little, but at the same time I need to own up to the procrastination, the fear, and the irresponsibility. It is my own fault I am in this shitty position today.
There is one promise I made to myself at the same time I made these goals. I would only allow myself three more relationships (after the kids father), if none of them succeeded, then I would put myself into retirement. It has been 1 year and 11 months to the day since I was in a serious relationship and two months since I have been intimate with anyone (just so happens to be my ex). I have even quit masturbating. Now my question is, Is this the right thing to do at my age? Am I being silly about this? I just want to give up and walk away. I do need to work on myself, and I believe you cant be in a healthy relationship with someone else if you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself.  At least I have been using this belief more as an excuse than anything. After the kids father I had two 6 month relationships and then 6 years with Ryan, until he ended it August 29, 2010. I had a brief unwanted relationship with someone and then a few random dates. Nothing worth talking about.  I don't know. I think it's time to let go.

We can't use our past as an excuse to stay in bondage to a negative, defeated approach to life. - joyce meyer ministries  {whoa, I just saw this on facebook while I was responding to a message. perfect timing}

Single.

Being single doesn't necessarily mean available, sometimes, it's another way of saying "I don't wanna be disturbed!" -Anon


I would love to know who said this. 

www.flickr.com/photos/mcanbalaban/2105389183

sin·gle 

adj.

1. Not accompanied by another or others; solitary.

2.

a. Consisting of one part, aspect, or section: a single thickness; a single serving.

b. Having the same application for all; uniform: a single moral code for all.

c. Consisting of one in number: She had but a single thought, which was to escape.

3. Not divided; unbroken: a single slab of ice.

4.

a. Separate from others; individual and distinct: Every single child will receive a gift.

b. Having individual opponents; involving two individuals only: single combat.

5.

a. Honest; undisguised: a single adoration.

b. Wholly attentive: You must judge the contest with a single eye.

6. Designed to accommodate one person: a single bed.

7.

a. Unmarried.

b. Lacking a partner: a single parent.

c. Relating to the unmarried state: enjoys the single life.

d. Of or relating to celibacy.

Where do I fit in this definition of single? i am solitary for the most part, unmarried (more like never married), Lacking a partner, but not enjoying this single life or the celibacy. Yet that is where i am. I am becoming more and more comfortable with being single, solo, solitary, celibate, alone. Slowly i am embracing the quiet, no longer missing the words of affection. There are no more Hi babe how was your day or week? I miss you and I love you are lost in once upon a time. Listening to love songs no longer stings my heart. 


There are times where loneliness sets in or I wake up in the night only to have no one to hold me. I have found ways to fight back at those feelings. I have a stuffed cow I sleep with and if i start to feel lonely I play inspirational music.  I have a special playlist for that lonely feeling.  Maybe I'll share it one day. I do have a song I have been listening to more and more lately, it is a lovely song about loving yourself and being alone, but not really alone. It called Melody by Kate Earl.  There is also a poem I read in the blog Think Big Project. The poem was a great message about loving yourself. They are my new inspiration to keep going and be happy with myself, to love myself. I will share them with you. 

Love After Love

By Derek Walcott

The time will come when, with elation

you will greet yourself arriving at your own door,

in your own mirror and each will smile at the other's welcome,  

and say, sit here.  

Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Wishlist Wednesday

Sarah: I can bear it no longer! Goblin King! Goblin King! Wherever you may be take this child of mine far away from me! 
Goblin: That's not it! Where did she get that rubbish? It doesn't even start with "I wish!"

Every time I hear "I wish" I think of the movie Labyrinth. It's Wednesday and I have a wish or two, and here they are. From Urban Outfitters.

I want these cute flowers. They look awesome. You get 25 for $40.00. hmmm though they are made of something much more sturdy than paper. I think I could make some myself.  I still want them though.














Next is a duvet cover also from urban Outfitters. I love the fact that it's reversible and has folk woodwork art on it. I have a book with those patterns in it. I love vintage art and this would look awesome in my room.

I really like what is offered they even have some awesome books I really want like Snuggle Sutra :)

I guess thats it for now. We'll see if Urban Outfitters gets pissed because I used their photos even though I linked the crap. Have a good night.

xoxo,

Lisa

A Rainy Day Blog

Rain rain go away...

 Actually No, I love the rainy weather. I wish we would have a nice thunder storm. I want some thunder & lightning. This cold weather is starting to get to me though. I am stiff & tired. I know there is some medical reason why we get so tired and lazy on rainy, gloomy days. I just don't feel like looking it up & trying to sound smart. I should clean my house, I really should, but it's cold & I'm lazy. It's okay though. I'll do it later when I get a little warmed up. Right now i am on some of my social networking sites, stalking my lovely friends & some stalkers of my own. Facebook is quiet today, so I check my games & move on to Twitter. I follow 280 people? Who are these people? Why am I following them? I think it's time to find out. As I'm looking through I see one of my favorites called ihatequotes, They posted a quote I really like today & maybe it should become my quote for the day (see below). I move on to Myspace & check my mail on Yahoo. The same old stuff, oh well. I guess today is just a plain ol' rainy day.

Samantha playing in the rain (2007)

Make sure whatever you're holding onto, isn't holding you back. Life is all about moving forward. -Reuben Holmes