The Single Life: Dating, Intimacy, and Sex or lack there of.

This beautiful art is by People Everyday At Deviant Art

I've been wanting to blog about my serious issue.  Okay, it's really not that serious, just to me it is.

I have been technically single for 3 years now.  I have dated, most did not make it past dates 1-3.  Sad, I know.  It's not that I am picky or anything.  I just know what I am looking for.  Now this isn't what I really want to write about, but it is connected.

My issue is intimacy and sex.  I can't tell you how jealous I am of everyone who is getting some right now. I can't remember the last time I was intimate with someone or even when I had sex last.  Masturbation does not count in my book.  I miss it, all of it.  The holding of hands, the hugs and kisses, and amazing sex.  Yes, I know I can easily call up one of my many guy friends and ask for a sexual favor.  Most would be at my door within minutes, but I don't want that.  For the first time in 3 years I actually want a relationship.  I want to have that one person I can go to for anything.  But no, I am sitting here in front of my laptop writing about it instead.

In the last year I had finally become comfortable with being single and being alone.  Masturbation had become a daily (sometimes up to 3x a day) routine.  I would go on dates here and there, but had no interest in becoming more.  So I quit going on dates.  I don't want to waste anyones time.  Nor do I want to lead anyone on giving them false hope that we may one day be together.  My biggest problem with dating was some men were in such a hurry to be in a relationship just so they could have sex.  I would say "I'm not ready for a relationship" their response " oh, okay well when you're ready let me know". DUDE! I just fucking met you, and you already annoy me.  Then there are the guys who are totally fine with me not being ready and have the nerve to say " well we could just hang out and have sex occasionally." Uhm how about NO!   YES, I'm just as sexually frustration as you are, but I will not settle for your sorry ass.  Okay, that was a bit mean, but I had so say it a few times.

I also don't like that masturbation has taken up a considerable amount of time in my day.  I can't tell you how much porn I've watched in the last few weeks alone.  My Tumblr follows are mostly some kind of porn or nudity.  Yes, I know I am a pervert.  Even Masturbation gets boring after a while, and porn, well it makes me more sexually frustrated than anything.  Like I said I could call a friend for help, but I don't want a friend with benefits, a booty call, or a fuck buddy.  I tried the friends with benefits.  It didn't work out.

Why the change of heart?  I have no idea really.  I've been thinking about it a lot and, if I know what I'm looking for in a significant other,  I have no problem starting a committed relationship with the person who best fits what I am looking for.  Right?  As I write this up and re-read it, I feel like I'm whining. Maybe I am.  My biggest worry is I will settle. I don't want to do that.  I will not settle.

P.S. I have a crush on someone I can't have.  This bring the frustration to a whole new level.  I say crush because I don't know him well enough to say it's more than that.  I also prayed for the first time in a long time last night.  Weird, right?

Day 11: Relationships.

Today's challenge is: My current relationship, if single discuss how single life is. 

Yeah I sleep around, even upside down, or on the floor :)  

This is were I am supposed to cry about how I HATE being single and I am so jealous of all the "pretty" girls who have boyfriends.  Bitch about all the exs who did me wrong and say how I hate men. NOT GONNA HAPPEN!
Yes I am single, I have been single for about one year and nine months. I even celebrate the anniversary of the day I was dumped by getting drunk, eating way too much junk food and crying. Just kidding, I only did that a few times. I believe I've said it before, but this is the longest i have ever been single. I used to be a serial dater, I had a new boyfriend pretty quick after a break up. Yeah i know I'm pitiful, we'll all get over it eventually. I used to think being single was a curse and if i was single no one loved me. Now... I don't care cause no one loves me anyway. All that matters is that I love myself. There are days i don't like myself, but i still love me.
The hardest part about being single is my guy friends. Having a single female friend does not mean she will be more than happy to fuck you. Well i guess I can only speak for myself. I'm tired of being called a Bitch or stuck up because I won't put out. You'll just have to go rub one out cause I'm not to blame for your blue balls. Besides the douche friends it's not too bad being single, though I do miss cuddling and making out. Yeah, yeah I like kissing. I miss having movie dates. I miss regular sex sessions, masturbation just isn't the same. My ex and I still fool around (his words) from time to time. I also had something going on with a friend, but that is done and I think he has a girlfriend now. None of it was on a regular though. Oh well, I'll just cuddle with Ralph and watch movies alone at home.
I feel that there is a grass is always greener thought whether you are single or in a relationship. You miss certain things from each lifestyle, so you have to find a happy medium whether you are in a relationship or not. I'm in no rush to be in a relationship, and i have this anti-marriage thought in my head a lot now. Soon I know it will become an anti-relationship thought. I made a promise and some serious relationship goals when I was 25. My deadline was my 35th birthday and that is 50 days away. I didn't accomplish what I wanted, almost, but almost doesn't count.  Should I keep my promise to myself on my 35th birthday?

Here's Ralph, waiting for me to get in bed. LOL 

P.S. I wonder how many people took that first photo the wrong way... Ha

Single.

Being single doesn't necessarily mean available, sometimes, it's another way of saying "I don't wanna be disturbed!" -Anon


I would love to know who said this. 

www.flickr.com/photos/mcanbalaban/2105389183

sin·gle 

adj.

1. Not accompanied by another or others; solitary.

2.

a. Consisting of one part, aspect, or section: a single thickness; a single serving.

b. Having the same application for all; uniform: a single moral code for all.

c. Consisting of one in number: She had but a single thought, which was to escape.

3. Not divided; unbroken: a single slab of ice.

4.

a. Separate from others; individual and distinct: Every single child will receive a gift.

b. Having individual opponents; involving two individuals only: single combat.

5.

a. Honest; undisguised: a single adoration.

b. Wholly attentive: You must judge the contest with a single eye.

6. Designed to accommodate one person: a single bed.

7.

a. Unmarried.

b. Lacking a partner: a single parent.

c. Relating to the unmarried state: enjoys the single life.

d. Of or relating to celibacy.

Where do I fit in this definition of single? i am solitary for the most part, unmarried (more like never married), Lacking a partner, but not enjoying this single life or the celibacy. Yet that is where i am. I am becoming more and more comfortable with being single, solo, solitary, celibate, alone. Slowly i am embracing the quiet, no longer missing the words of affection. There are no more Hi babe how was your day or week? I miss you and I love you are lost in once upon a time. Listening to love songs no longer stings my heart. 


There are times where loneliness sets in or I wake up in the night only to have no one to hold me. I have found ways to fight back at those feelings. I have a stuffed cow I sleep with and if i start to feel lonely I play inspirational music.  I have a special playlist for that lonely feeling.  Maybe I'll share it one day. I do have a song I have been listening to more and more lately, it is a lovely song about loving yourself and being alone, but not really alone. It called Melody by Kate Earl.  There is also a poem I read in the blog Think Big Project. The poem was a great message about loving yourself. They are my new inspiration to keep going and be happy with myself, to love myself. I will share them with you. 

Love After Love

By Derek Walcott

The time will come when, with elation

you will greet yourself arriving at your own door,

in your own mirror and each will smile at the other's welcome,  

and say, sit here.  

Eat.

You will love again the stranger who was your self.

Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart

to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored

for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,

peel your own image from the mirror.

Sit. Feast on your life.