In The Absence of Sex

Two years ago I attempted to explore a variety of dating and sexual encounters. It fizzled out quickly.  I was bored or unimpressed with the people involved.  I thought maybe it was me at first.  Then I realized I just didn't like the experience as much as I thought I would.  After years of so-so situation-ships and two failed long term relationships (One was extremely toxic), I felt that I needed to remove myself from any "adult" activities. 

During these last two years I did re-attempt some form of dating but failed.  The men I met only wanted sex or thought sex was a way to get to know someone.  Uhm, no sir, that is not how you get to know me.   I can't believe how many guys on social media go straight to dick pics after a few minutes of chatting.  SLOW DOWN DUDE!!  Men at bars or at other public places were so quick to want to hook up.  The few I gave my number to would text me way too much and get upset if I didn't respond right away.  Clingy much??  There were a few who were nice guys, but they were not a good fit for me.  The bad relationships strike again, seeing red flags early on when talking to men.  Yes, I am set in my ways and I may have too many deal breakers.  I keep telling myself to wait until I move next year.  I'll have better luck in a new place.  Will I really?  What are the chances?  I feel defeated here in this drug infected town.  The thought of "All the good ones are taken" comes to mind.  I know that's not true.  I think I'm just a pain in the ass and too lazy to try.

Interesting fact: I no longer have interest in sex.  I quit watching porn and boxed up my adult toys.  Yup, I am 100% sex free!!  Though I am proud of this, I do wonder if it has anything to do with my depression.  I can't remember the last time I had any "relief".  The only time I get the urge is at the end of my monthly cycle.  I take a nice long bath and I'm good.  Sex is good for you and helps you stay healthy.  Sometimes I wonder if my lack of desire is part of my health issues.  How does one go about finding out of that is the case?  I can't talk to my doctor about it.  So who do I go to?  Oh poop!! I forgot to schedule my pap and mammogram appointment.  Oopsy!!

Facing The Facts: Living With Depression

11.06.2017

Today I thought deeply about how I am feeling.  I thought about what brought me to this point.  There is no straight answer.  There never is.  I don't know what started my journey down this road; I do know that ignoring my thoughts and feelings is how I'm here now.  I was working more than I should and just coming home to sleep and eat.  My days off would be running errands and doing chores.  I quit going out to watch sports because I didn't want to drink anymore.  I stayed home and watched Netflix and Youtube with the kids.  Of course, I would snack the whole time I was watching shows.  I always had beef jerky, Cheetos, and soda.  We were ordering fast food or dining out while running errands because I was "too tired" to cook.  I take full responsibility for what I've allowed to happen.  I ignored my mental health, I treated my body horribly, and I pushed myself to the edge of exhaustion.  There were signs and I even blogged about it earlier this year.  Yet I just let this monster grow within me.  I made a choice and now I have to fight to get back to a better mindset.

I am in constant pain, physically and mentally.  My joints are hurting, I'm overweight (167.6 pounds), I have headaches throughout the day.  I'm starting to get brain fog and becoming clumsy.  My blood work from my last doctors visit looks like my health may be declining.  I feel disgusted, defeated, and just plain DONE!  I wish I could crawl into bed and sleep for days, but I can barely sleep more than 2 hours at a time.  I know I need to figure out how to get out of this rut.  I know this isn't long term.  I'm working on it, little by little.  Day by day.

That's all I can do for now.  Take it one day at a time.


"There are two ways to be Happy: Change the situation, or change your mindset towards it"
-Unknown

Words

Childish & Immature

Crazy

Emotional

Judgmental

Lazy

Loud

Obnoxious

Over Helpful

Over Sensitive (not the same as emotional)

Pack Rat

Passive- Aggressive

Sentimental

Smothering

Too Kind/Nice

Hot Thoughts, Not So Hot.

This time of year has always been a bad time of year for me.  I don't really know why, it's just been this way for many years.  These past 3 years has become a little easier as I try to learn what triggers my anxiety and depression. Learning and recognizing triggers can be difficult.  Sometimes I have a delayed reaction and it takes longer to realize it. I have a lot of delayed reactions these days. I guess I'm getting old or dumber. Maybe both.  I can't have seasonal depression, it happens in Winter, right?  So what is causing me to be so down this time of year? I need to switch it around and make it my best time of year.  I love Autumn and it's coming up, so why do I get sad, lonely, and lost this time of year? I do not fear change, but welcome it.  Why can't I find the root of this issue? Ugh... so many questions I cannot answer and it's frustrating.

The last two days were rough, Monday I was having some difficult thoughts run through my mind. I was having a hard time controlling my thoughts.  The ride home was helpful, until I actually got home and my kids had a blow out fight.  I was so frustrated and upset that I had to leave.  My daughter went to her grandparents and my son stayed home. I went for a walk, but could not get calm. My friend JW came and picked me up. A few shots of Jack Daniels with good conversation and I was feeling better.  Then Tuesday the thoughts came back. Not as bad as Monday and I was able to focus on them better.  I decided to write down these thoughts and ask myself Why was I thinking these things, Where were they coming from, and What can I do about it.  Once I wrote it all out, I felt so much better. It also let me see my thoughts on paper.  A great way for me to review and face these thoughts.  My old therapist use to call these kind of thoughts HOT THOUGHTS, an instant emotional thought that makes you feel out of control.  Write it down and ask why, where, how, and what?

I know it's mostly me doing what I do best, over thinking. Why do I do such a thing? Is it because I have an overactive imagination? Is it because of my anxiety and my constant moving mind... Its as if my brain never shuts down and is always going 80 in the slow lane.  So, it seems the question I need to ask is How do I slow down my brain?  I have tried meditation, it only works to calm me, but not work out or control my thinking better.  Walking helps with my thought process, maybe I need to start walking again.  Walking gives me time to just let my thoughts flow and release whatever emotions they bring.  As above, writing helps as well, I think I will carry a journal at all times from now on.

I do have to say as the years pass I have gotten better. This is the first year that I did not try to hide from the world.  I don't feel as ill and a-social as I did in years past.  The physical aspect of this depression has not been present at all this year.  I am tired, but I think it's just my new schedule for work.  I think having the friends I do at this time has been a huge factor in my improvement as well.  I could never express my appreciation for their friendship. Whether they know it or not, my friends have helped immensely.

Now... How do I figure out this thought process I got going on?  My doctor suggests anxiety medication and exercise.  I may just take her up on that suggestion even though I am against medicating.  It may be helpful short term.  Exercise I can do. The question with that is, do I do it at home or join a gym?

xoxo,
Lisa

It's that time of year

I dislike this time of year. Well, it's more of a love/hate kind of thing.  I'm trying to work on being positive and manifesting good energy. Why? Because I have something like seasonal depression and it creeps up sometime in August and ends in October. It seems to be coming early and I'm trying to stop it or at least reduce the level of stress and sadness it can bring. An overwhelming sadness, despair, and doubt. I don't want any of it.  I want happiness, and contentment.  I should be happy right now... I got a job, I should be excited. I'm indifferent.  I am grateful for the friends I have who care and fill me will positive vibes. I can't express what their friendship means to me.  I want to believe the positivity will help me conquer the issue I am having.

I wish I could say it was PMS

I have been in bit of a funk lately.  I can't shake the shitty feelings I have and the doubts that run through my mind.  I would like to say it's PMS and tell myself to wait it out.  The problem is, this all started way before my PMS started.  My PMS does exacerbate the situation.  I feel restless, fake, out of control, and completely lost.  I hate the way I am feeling at the moment and I really hope it passes.  I have been here before and I know where it leads... to a dark place I don't want to go.  I know why I am coming to this awful place again, but I don't know how to stop it.  The fear and the urge is strong this time too.  I am trying to be careful.  I am trying to distract myself and not allow my mind to drift off to this dark place.  I fear I am losing this battle.

I just want to sleep until it passes.

Lent Day Nine, March 13:I need to Relax

Creator & Author Unknown 

After yesterdays cry & whine fest,  and my venting to a friend. I ended up taking a couple Melatonin and crash.  It helped, this morning I felt a bit better and decided to get out and go for a nice walk this morning.  I was originally going to walk up to Black Diamond Mines, but instead I took a path that lead me to Canal Park and I enjoyed some time on the swings.  I went home more relaxed, and I had some time to reflect and write.  I think I need to really find out why my past likes to creep up on me, or more so, why I allow it to.  The above picture states "It's okay to have a meltdown." Well there was a time I had a meltdown almost daily.  I had a hard time controlling my emotions.  I also had a hard time facing my fears and my past.  I had not only unpacked, but I was living in a state of disaster.

Over the last few years I have been working on not allowing my emotions to run my life, but to pay attention and try to understand what and why i felt the way I do.  I have worked hard at not letting my emotions overwhelm me, but as you can see form many of my older entries I am still very much an emotional being.  I still have my meltdowns, just not as often and I can usually pinpoint why I am freaking out.  So today I sit and write what is bothering me and tell myself to find where the past and present are colliding and figure out what i need to do about it.  For the most part, I just need to accept the past as it is- The Past, forgive what was done and myself, and move forward.  It sounds simple enough, but nothing is ever as simple as it seems.  So, it's a work in progress and that's okay.

It was so pretty and meditative walking this trail in the early morning.

First thing I thought when i realized where the trail took me: "oooh swings, YAY!"

Swings can be so therapeutic.  As I sat there swaying back and forth, I closed my eyes and just let my mind drift off.



















Question: Who was there for you when no one else was?

For a long time I had no one.  Then I met Ellen, She was there for me during one of my hardest times, I also have Virginia, Becca, and Michelle.  They all have been there for me when I needed someone the most. Thank you so much for your friendships ladies.  You are much appreciated.

Whining Gibberish

Today became a bit emotional as the day went on. ..


      I was once told that I think too much.  I have been working hard on not being that way.  It's been working, I swear.  I have noticed lately  that I have been becoming more emotional about certain friends.  I realize we all grow apart and most of time move on.  So why does it hurt to know that a few friends are walking away from me and may possibly not be in my life by the end of the year?  I keep telling myself to get over it and let them go.  I tell myself I can't be hurt by their choice to move toward a better life for themselves.  Even if it means leaving me as a friend.  I have left some people behind, so I can't have hurt feelings. We're just friends, and if they choose to walk away, let them.  They may come back some day.  Maybe, doubtful, but maybe.  I guess it's karma for removing so many people from my life that I felt were doing me no good.  I wanted more positive, productive, and trust worthy friends.   The quote "If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is a part of yourself"(Hermann Hesse) comes to mind.  It really isn't the person, but a part of their character or behavior that I dislike/hate.  When I see characteristic traits I dislike in others I try to find it within myself and change it.  I am really working on being the best me, I can be.

Notice I keep repeating myself about letting it happen?  I wish I didn't get attached to people.  Well, I wish I didn't get attached to a few people. Everyone else can bugger off, if they so choose.  I guess I'll stop whining in this blog and go cry in the shower.


Oh and......

GO NINERS!

A quickie.

Sorry my loves. I know I haven't been blogging and I'm sure no one wants to read my rambles. I've been having some emotional roller coaster shit going on. So please bare with me.

First off Autumn is my favorite season and yet I have seasonal depression so I have a hard time at the end of Summer & the beginning of Autumn. I slept 2 weeks of September away. Wishing the world would just disappear, but it didn't. The world is still here and so am I. It's a vicious cycle I go through every year. Maybe I will blog about it one day.

So here I am again, feeling ready to blog. Ready to rant, rave, and scare you. Okay I'm not really that scary.  I do try though. As I read online news, social networking posts, and just living life; I see plenty of things I should be ranting about these days. I don't because I am tired of reading so many damn complaints. Everyone is whining about something, shoving their mean spirited thoughts and ideas down others virtual throats. We have become an entitlement society like a spoiled rotten, undisciplined 5 year old.  It's annoying. Sadly I am complaining about the complainers. wwaaahhhhh.  I'll get over it.

I will attempt to blog daily. I will find a reason to blog, and if I need to vent and complain, I promise to find something nice to say as well. I guess one of my topics will be about bad exs, because thats what people want to read about. I'll think up some interesting topics, I'm sure I have some in my journals.

This blog makes no sense but we'll all get over it. I said it was a quickie.


So help me out and give me some blog topics you want to read about.

Here's something pretty to look at. :)

1.25.12

I haven't been blogging and I apologize. I think I said it the last time too. Oh well. So on with my day.

I've been looking for work, and I found a few classes i would like to take to help me better my chances at finding the job I want. Now it's time to make a plan, right? As soon as I get out of bed. Let me tell you depression is a bitch and when she gets a hold of you, you really have to fight to get away. My moods are erratic to say the least. I have bouts of uncontrollable crying (really annoying). Then out of nowhere I feel great, maybe I'm bipolar... I really hope not. Many years ago when i did go to therapy (YES I WENT) I was told I have Borderline Personality Disorder. It's similar to Bipolar but not really. I honestly thought I had it under control, started thinking that maybe my therapist didn't know what she was talking about. Then my erratic behavior would creep up on me again. I don't think before I speak or do anything. I just do it or say it. I have boundary issues (I don't have any boundaries and thats the problem). I am a risk taker and i have a horrible anxiety issue. The best way to describe it is like the angel and devil on your shoulder. They take turns doing what they want and I'm stuck in the middle.

I know that this is all random and off but it's how I feel right now.


Kids are home from school. I'll have to finish this later.

Lent: I'm lost

Sometime today i need to open my Google Calendar and back track. I am so lost right now. I don't really know what day of Lent I am in. I have been doing very well with Lent. I did have a cheat moment i think. I tried some Jerky and I am not sure what kind of meat it was, I think pork, it was weird and I didn't like it. So maybe thats a good thing.

I have to be honest. I have been really depressed lately. It's why I haven't been posting or on Facebook a lot. I just don't have the energy. I workout and I take care of my kids. Thats it. I have been sleeping a lot (when the kids are in school) and when I am wake I try to find work. I don't know what is going on with me. I have no desire to be social, or leave my house if I don't need to. I try to go for my walks when my neighbors are not outside smoking, so they won't stop me so we can talk. I don't want to deal with any drama or stress right now. Please don't tell me I need to talk to someone or go to the Dr. It won't happen. If I need to vent or talk, I'll come here.

I just want to give up. Key word there is want, but I'm not going to. I'll work my way out of this depression. I've done it before and I know I can do it again.