Hot Thoughts, Not So Hot.

This time of year has always been a bad time of year for me.  I don't really know why, it's just been this way for many years.  These past 3 years has become a little easier as I try to learn what triggers my anxiety and depression. Learning and recognizing triggers can be difficult.  Sometimes I have a delayed reaction and it takes longer to realize it. I have a lot of delayed reactions these days. I guess I'm getting old or dumber. Maybe both.  I can't have seasonal depression, it happens in Winter, right?  So what is causing me to be so down this time of year? I need to switch it around and make it my best time of year.  I love Autumn and it's coming up, so why do I get sad, lonely, and lost this time of year? I do not fear change, but welcome it.  Why can't I find the root of this issue? Ugh... so many questions I cannot answer and it's frustrating.

The last two days were rough, Monday I was having some difficult thoughts run through my mind. I was having a hard time controlling my thoughts.  The ride home was helpful, until I actually got home and my kids had a blow out fight.  I was so frustrated and upset that I had to leave.  My daughter went to her grandparents and my son stayed home. I went for a walk, but could not get calm. My friend JW came and picked me up. A few shots of Jack Daniels with good conversation and I was feeling better.  Then Tuesday the thoughts came back. Not as bad as Monday and I was able to focus on them better.  I decided to write down these thoughts and ask myself Why was I thinking these things, Where were they coming from, and What can I do about it.  Once I wrote it all out, I felt so much better. It also let me see my thoughts on paper.  A great way for me to review and face these thoughts.  My old therapist use to call these kind of thoughts HOT THOUGHTS, an instant emotional thought that makes you feel out of control.  Write it down and ask why, where, how, and what?

I know it's mostly me doing what I do best, over thinking. Why do I do such a thing? Is it because I have an overactive imagination? Is it because of my anxiety and my constant moving mind... Its as if my brain never shuts down and is always going 80 in the slow lane.  So, it seems the question I need to ask is How do I slow down my brain?  I have tried meditation, it only works to calm me, but not work out or control my thinking better.  Walking helps with my thought process, maybe I need to start walking again.  Walking gives me time to just let my thoughts flow and release whatever emotions they bring.  As above, writing helps as well, I think I will carry a journal at all times from now on.

I do have to say as the years pass I have gotten better. This is the first year that I did not try to hide from the world.  I don't feel as ill and a-social as I did in years past.  The physical aspect of this depression has not been present at all this year.  I am tired, but I think it's just my new schedule for work.  I think having the friends I do at this time has been a huge factor in my improvement as well.  I could never express my appreciation for their friendship. Whether they know it or not, my friends have helped immensely.

Now... How do I figure out this thought process I got going on?  My doctor suggests anxiety medication and exercise.  I may just take her up on that suggestion even though I am against medicating.  It may be helpful short term.  Exercise I can do. The question with that is, do I do it at home or join a gym?

xoxo,
Lisa

A Little Happy Update

Waiting at Walnut Creek Bart in the morning..

So....
As you can clearly see I have not been blogging.  Instead I have been working, as in I got a 9-5 job, okay it's actually 7:30 - 4 but whatever.

I didn't want to talk about the job until I had been here for at least a month.  Well it's been about a month, so it's now time to talk. The position is a Temporary Clerk for the county I live in. The Boss Lady I work under is a Systems Analyst in one of the many departments in the County.  It's six months long, eight hour days, with an approximate 2 hour public transportation commute each way.  Yes, that means I wake up between 4:30 and 5:00 am to get ready.

Here is my new daily schedule

4:30-5:00 --Snooze the darn alarm..... OMG I'm gonna be late
5:32 --YAY! 93x is here (right around the corner from my house)  I usually sleep on this ride
6:10ish -- Arrive at Walnut Creek Bart to take 98x
6:24 -- YAY! 98x is departing
6:33 -- Arrive at Sun Valley Mall in Concord and walk the rest of the way to work.
6:45 -- Arrive at work
--- Clean my desk
--- Eat breakfast
--- Read or write in a journal while I wait to start
7:30-11:30 -- Logging in work from the previous evening and whatever else Boss Lady needs done.
11:30-12:00 -- Lunch ( I usually walk around the buildings or sit and watch the animals in the pond.)
12:00-4:00 -- Doing whatever kind of work that my Boss Lady needs.
4:24-4:35 98x to Walnut Creek Bart (this bus is always late... ALWAYS!!)
4:40-5:12 93x to home.  I catch the 4:40 bus IF the 98x makes it in time. It's only happened once so far.
6:15 -- Hi Honey I'm Home!!! 

By the time I get home, even though I usually sleep or read, I am too darn tired to cook. After a month you would think I have gotten down a schedule for home. NOPE, but I will... Someday

So now you know what I have been up to.
I think getting up early will in the long run be great for me. I have been trying to get myself on a schedule where I wake up before 6 am.  I have been struggling with that for a long while.  My only problem is I have loud neighbors and sometimes I am unable to get to bed at a decent hour.

I enjoy my job when we're busy, somedays I write or read while I wait for more work.  I'm not always super busy, but I always have something to do.  Next week will be off the hook busy as we are updating systems. Wish me luck...

My paper Clip Ram

He wanted my Banana, but I didn't share

Me taking a Selfie break. haha

Alone

I have not felt so alone as I do right now. 
I have something broken deep inside of me.
My heart, mind or soul.
Which I do not know. 
Loneliness please let me be.

-Lisa

Lent Day Three: Not so Fast

It's Friday day three, and I'm supposed to fast all day.  I ended up getting ill and I'm not sure why.  Nausea was something awful today. It was so bad I ended up eating.  Once I ate lunch I felt so much better.  So, I think I will have to change the fasting to fresh fruits and veggies only on Wednesdays and Fridays.  I have never had a problem with fasting before.  I think I need to re-educate myself on fasting.  I prepped my food for the next two days, fish and asparagus, with hard boiled eggs.  I'll make me some iced tea tomorrow for the day.

Not much else to talk about really, Samantha's birthday party is tomorrow evening.   Lord help me with a house full of teenage girls.

Question of the day: What activities help you feel most like yourself?

Writing is definitely one of the activities.  I enjoy writing and expressing myself.  Putting my idiotic randomness onto paper or in a blog entry helps me see myself and focus on what I am feeling or thinking more clearly.  Reading is another,  yeah that might sound funny, but I like to get lost in a world that is not my own.

I've been writing more lately than I have in a long time.

I am Writing

I am writing, just not here.

I have been on a writing frenzy, I guess.  I have written my deepest fears, desires, and heart break. As if not writing will make my heart burst.  I haven't felt the need to write in such a way in a long time.  I am filling up my journals with thoughts and emotions I thought I lost, or buried deep within me.

My past has come to visit, to haunt, to drag my soul through the fires of hell.  My present is here within  my heart, lifting me, pushing me, to carry me forward.  My future is waiting quietly, patiently, for me to decide.

I don't know what I'm doing.

What was I saying?

So I haven't been posting much lately.  I'm sure no one noticed though, so it's all good.  A lot has happened in the last month and I won't go into awesome details, but it has been awesome.  Mind blowing awesome!

Mostly I want to apologize for the worst blog post ever.  Last night I wrote a blog about love.  It was shit.  One of the worst blogs I have ever written.  After reading it this morning I realized it didn't make any sense, my thoughts were all over the place and I somehow removed some things I was trying to say. I was distracted while writing (no excuse), and well my heart wasn't in it.  Funny right?  My heart wasn't into writing about LOVE.  Ha, what a joke.  So, I am going to revise it, and post it again once I feel the blog post conveys my deepest, truest emotions and opinions on love.  It means I'm taking the post DOWN... for now.

Thank you for reading and again, I apologize.  I need a nap or maybe a beer.

Lisa

What's the Plan Stan?

Stan has no idea. Why? Well because I don't know anyone named Stan. At least I don't think I do but, if there is a Stan that knows the plan, he better share.

I am trying to write out a plan for my blogging. First in the plan is to write everyday. Even if it's something lame. I was trying out some writing exercises from a few sites. Maybe I will use those as fillers when I have a hard time. I am a writer who likes to interact with others, so I will have to think of some blogs that can include all of you. I think I will have to read through all my old blogs and see what  is unfinished. I can continue with old blogs and complete blogging projects I forgot about. That sounds like a start, right?

I am reevaluating my bucket list at the moment. I hope to have some new and exciting things to add. One will be me challenging myself to face some of my fears. We'll see how that goes.  Minus Clowns, I will never attempt to deal with Clowns. They scare me to death and with halloween here, I have to see them a lot.

So, I am looking for some blogging and bucket list ideas. It would be awesome if you can help me out.


Some other plans in the works-

1. I will be doing something like Lent for the Holidays. The rules are the same, but the dates are Day after Thanksgiving to Christmas Day (for you if you want to participate) or New Years Day (this one is for me).
- No beef, pork, soda/ coffee (which ever is your addiction), no fast food, no junk food.
We all over indulge durring the Holidays so I thought this would be a good idea to try. I don't celebrate Christmas Day, so I don't have to worry about over eating, though I will not be able to have my favorite spiral ham. I guess I can have it for New Years Day dinner.

2. Planning on going back to school. Cross your fingers it all works out. I will hopefully know something by the end of next week.

3. I am late for my Fall Cleaning, so I will be doing that for the next 2 weeks.  I will sell, barter, or give away anything that I no longer NEED on Craigslist. Hopefully that goes well. I sold my air conditioner, and gave away my table on there, so I think I will be okay.

I think this is it for now. I'm going to go watch some movies and have adult conversation with a good friend of mine. After a day of horrid menstrual cramps and headache, I need some relaxing.

The 7 Day Book Challenge

In my last post I wrote about a blog I love to follow by the name of  In over your head. Last night as I was looking through the blogs I follow Julien had a new post titled How to read 7 books in 7 days. I thought FABULOUS! I've been looking for a challenge. Plus I have been putting off reading certain books I keep saying I will read. So, I will put my procrastination aside and get busy on this challenge. In the blog Julien states "If you can, choose books that stack on top of each other so that you learn successive, stacking topics." So I chose a theme for myself - Self Awareness. I have been wanting to read these books and have skimmed through most. Two of the books I read a few years ago when I needed them for a class at LMC. Each book has something I feel I want to learn to help better myself and my awareness to myself and others. 

The books: 

.1 The Woman's Book Confidence by: Sue Patton Thoele

.2 Breakthrough Dreaming by: Dr. Gayle Delaney

.3 Quest by: Denise Linn

.4 The Intuitive Way by: Penney Peirce  I have the hard cover 1997 Ed.

.5 Your Handwriting Can Change Your Life by: Vimala Rodgers This is the PDF version. so you can read it too :)

The next two books are by a great  Marriage Counselor & Psychology Professor at Los Medanos College and JFK University.

.6 More Than Just Sex by: Daniel Beaver

.7 Creating Intimate Connection Emotional Intimacy by: Daniel Beaver

He also has a blog and youtube channel

danbeaver - youtube

danielbeaver.com/blog

Now lets get this challenge going

I'm a bit embarrassed that I allowed this to happen

“Following-through is the only thing that separates dreamers from people that accomplish great things”. ~ Gene Hayden 
 (http://daringtolivefully.com/procrastination-quotes)

I have been lazy lately. Procrastinating to the fullest. I AM A PROCRASTINATOR. I always have been, but I would have moments of  mass productivity. It's as if someone came up to me and wound the little handle and whoosh I am off, then I wind down and ppfft nothing, until someone else winds me up.  Why does it have to be someone else? Do you see my dilemma? Do you see how I am hurting myself waiting for others to wind up my ass? Haha, wind up my ass sounds naughty. 

I have lists upon lists of things I want or need to do. Lists of goals from years ago. I'm just finding them now because I cleaned out some boxes and files. I'll have to take a picture or scan some to show you what I mean. I'm still sorting through them to see if any important phone numbers or addresses are on them. I have also found old school notebooks, old homework, and i even found some money, YAY, okay not really. I think it's awful to find money while cleaning, that means i was being irresponsible with it in the first place. Though there are rare times I hide money, but I am specific on where to hide it.

What does being a procrastinator, getting wound up, and having a mess have to do with each other in this post? I never get anything done because I am always waiting for someone to crack the whip or wind me up. Sometimes that crack of the whip is when I see how well others my age are doing. I think "What the hell did I do with my life?" Having kids is no excuse, yes my kids have always come first, but what else did I accomplish? Nothing is the answer. I can't find anything I have done worth acknowledging. I feel like somehow I failed at life. A horrible way to talk to myself, right? Well it's the way I feel sometimes and it's those moments that wind me up and get me going. I'm not a fan of the "Keep up with the Jones" lifestyle. I don't want the newest gadget or have nice things to show my friends. That's not what this is. Sometimes we need something to happen for us to re-evaluate or life. Today just happens to be one of those days. 

So, what am I embarrassed about? Being the unaccomplished lame procrastinating list maker. That's what! It's awful and I need to do something about it because I am tired of being in this self hating state. Only I can make my life better, not the other person who has to come wind me up.  The decisions I have made in the past have put me where i am today. Some decisions have cost me precious time and people. I can't get those back and I know it, yet here I am dwelling on old lists and being a jealous brat. I keep telling myself I want to change, I keep making lists, writing blogs, and crying about how unhappy I am. I'm not just embarrassed, I'm disgusted in myself for allowing it to get this bad. 

I have been reading two blogs that I feel inspirational. I have done some of the homework and lessons these blogs have offered. The first blog is daringtolivefully.com by Marelisa, I have been following her blog for quiet some time. Though I have not attempted all her techniques, she has many to offer. I am working on her 7 part mini course called Create and Achieve Your Life List. Ironic huh? The life list is similar to a Bucket List and well that's how I found this blog. I was looking up Bucket list information. The second blog is by a man named Julien, the site is called inoveryourhead.net. In over my head is right. He just started giving out homework on weekends. Though I have not been posting how my homework went over the weekend. I think I should start. This weekend is about Confidence. I am to emulate the person i fell has the confidence I want. So we'll see if I can do it. 

I think this is a step in the right direction, both blogs help show you how to get rid of the fog and negativity in your head. They give ideas on how to be more productive, mindful, and self awareness. I just need to read them more and really start paying attention to my feelings. Instead of letting my feelings overwhelm me, I could meditate or take a moment to release those feelings in some writing. I need to start writing down how I feel right when I feel it, so I can work on understanding it. Then I can become more mindful of my feelings and actions. While I am working on my emotional state I can start getting out in the world and living life. No more envy,disappointment, and self hate. I know it will take time, but i know I can do it. At least that's what I keep telling myself today.

~Lisa

2012 so far

I've been writing more in an actual journal rather than on here. I feel as if I haven't had time to really blog, though I want to. Maybe I should make time. Right?...Right!

It's been a busy start to the year. I participated in an employment workshop to help me revamp my job searching skills, resume, and other goodies of life. I have an interview on Monday to be a Youth Leader for underprivileged kids. It's part time and I believe for only 6 months. That's okay with me. I can use the time to go back to school and better myself. There has been a lot going on in my neighborhood as well. I have been packing and sorting my belongings which has been a chore from hell. I have way too much stuff. Why am I packing you ask? Next week I will get newly vamped kitchen and bathrooms. Pretty cool huh? I heard the bathrooms will have HUGE mirrors and the kitchen looks much better. I'm a little excited to see the finished product. During this time I will have to stay at the Ramada Inn. Paid by the Apartment Management of course. The last few months i have been also been helping my ex Ryan prepare for a move. I have been going to San Francisco every few weeks. I think the weekend of the 16th may be my last in San Francisco. Though we are no longer a couple (yet still friends) it has been a painful journey. I may not live there but I feel a bit sad that he is moving away. I really enjoyed having a place to stay while in San Francisco and being around Ryan and his family (mother & sister). I will truly miss that house and cherish the memories I have from my visits.

I have updated my bucket list and made a short to midterm goal list. I have 4 things I really want to accomplish within the next 5 years and I have listed them in in order of how much time it will take me to accomplish them. I am turning 35 this year and all that I had hoped for and where I thought I would be by my birthday this year fell apart when Ryan left. So I have to start over and I will have to achieve these goals alone instead of with a partner. Not having someone to cheer me on and be a part of it all will make the goals much harder to accomplish and a little lonely.  One of my goals may not be able to happen at all. I don't know yet and will take the necessary steps to find out how far I can go on my own. The second to last part of this specific goal needs a second person or it won't work at all. We'll just have to wait and see.

I am participating in Lent again this year though I have not posted like I did last year. I have been doing Facebook photo posts this time around. Maybe I will bring that to the blog as well. I will leave this blog as is. I wish you good night and sweet dreams.

Lisa