Of All The Days

I'm laughing and crying at the same time I tell ya.

I had a very hard time sleeping last night.  I am sexually frustrated to the point of pain and tears.  My body aches, I have blue ovaries from hell, and my PMS is through the roof.  I am so emotional today that I cried because my batteries died in my mouse and I couldn't find new ones,  I don't need it, but I was being a baby. I cried this morning when I was unable to masturbate to rid the frustration.  It was too painful and I couldn't get myself going.  You know you're having a bad day when you cry because you can't get off.

 I feel awful for my friend JW. He had to read all my emotional whining today.  Thank you for being such an awesome friend and putting up with my emotional crap! You made my day when you called to cheer me up.  I adore you.

Of all the days for me to be an emotional wreck, it had to be the day of LOVE... Valentine's Day. HA!

On a more happy note:  A random stranger from my neighborhood Yelled out the passenger window of an SUV filled with men HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY! Have a great Friday and weekend! with a huge smile.  I couldn't help but smile and laugh.  Though he and his friends looked like drug dealers/ gang members, they were all pretty darn happy.  You can't judge a book by it's cover, can you?

Happy Friday kids! here is my valentine to ________________

The Single Life: Dating, Intimacy, and Sex or lack there of.

This beautiful art is by People Everyday At Deviant Art

I've been wanting to blog about my serious issue.  Okay, it's really not that serious, just to me it is.

I have been technically single for 3 years now.  I have dated, most did not make it past dates 1-3.  Sad, I know.  It's not that I am picky or anything.  I just know what I am looking for.  Now this isn't what I really want to write about, but it is connected.

My issue is intimacy and sex.  I can't tell you how jealous I am of everyone who is getting some right now. I can't remember the last time I was intimate with someone or even when I had sex last.  Masturbation does not count in my book.  I miss it, all of it.  The holding of hands, the hugs and kisses, and amazing sex.  Yes, I know I can easily call up one of my many guy friends and ask for a sexual favor.  Most would be at my door within minutes, but I don't want that.  For the first time in 3 years I actually want a relationship.  I want to have that one person I can go to for anything.  But no, I am sitting here in front of my laptop writing about it instead.

In the last year I had finally become comfortable with being single and being alone.  Masturbation had become a daily (sometimes up to 3x a day) routine.  I would go on dates here and there, but had no interest in becoming more.  So I quit going on dates.  I don't want to waste anyones time.  Nor do I want to lead anyone on giving them false hope that we may one day be together.  My biggest problem with dating was some men were in such a hurry to be in a relationship just so they could have sex.  I would say "I'm not ready for a relationship" their response " oh, okay well when you're ready let me know". DUDE! I just fucking met you, and you already annoy me.  Then there are the guys who are totally fine with me not being ready and have the nerve to say " well we could just hang out and have sex occasionally." Uhm how about NO!   YES, I'm just as sexually frustration as you are, but I will not settle for your sorry ass.  Okay, that was a bit mean, but I had so say it a few times.

I also don't like that masturbation has taken up a considerable amount of time in my day.  I can't tell you how much porn I've watched in the last few weeks alone.  My Tumblr follows are mostly some kind of porn or nudity.  Yes, I know I am a pervert.  Even Masturbation gets boring after a while, and porn, well it makes me more sexually frustrated than anything.  Like I said I could call a friend for help, but I don't want a friend with benefits, a booty call, or a fuck buddy.  I tried the friends with benefits.  It didn't work out.

Why the change of heart?  I have no idea really.  I've been thinking about it a lot and, if I know what I'm looking for in a significant other,  I have no problem starting a committed relationship with the person who best fits what I am looking for.  Right?  As I write this up and re-read it, I feel like I'm whining. Maybe I am.  My biggest worry is I will settle. I don't want to do that.  I will not settle.

P.S. I have a crush on someone I can't have.  This bring the frustration to a whole new level.  I say crush because I don't know him well enough to say it's more than that.  I also prayed for the first time in a long time last night.  Weird, right?

A promise made.

I just started the 7 day book challenge. I was going to wait until July 1, but I was really bored today and thought "If i'm bored and not being productive, then I need to find a way to be". So I started reading. In the first chapter of The Woman's Book of Confidence it is said to embrace and get to know the stranger(s) within. We all have other selves. No one is exactly the same with everyone, not to mention our critical self. The book says to get to know that critical self, to learn why it's so scared or angry. To comfort that part of you and heal from within. we need to accept ourselves and give positive self talk.There is also a part in the chapter about growing a tail. Meaning owning up to our actions and being responsible. Like I said in previous posts I am a procrastinator and always felt i needed someone else to wind me up. I am also bad with the critical self, i have a horrible habit of bashing myself. I also have a hard time accepting compliments. These are things I need to work on.
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On another note. I have been having a hard week. Which is why I really wanted to do the challenge. I need to read up on how to better myself and work on accepting myself. On Sunday July 1, 2012 I will be 35 years  old. that is not old, but I feel unaccomplished. The goals I set 10 years ago did not get fulfilled and I feel like a failure. I didn't work hard enough, I was careless with my finances, and I let my relationship fall apart and end. I am in the same spot I was ten years ago and I have nothing to show for it. Yes I am bashing a little, but at the same time I need to own up to the procrastination, the fear, and the irresponsibility. It is my own fault I am in this shitty position today.
There is one promise I made to myself at the same time I made these goals. I would only allow myself three more relationships (after the kids father), if none of them succeeded, then I would put myself into retirement. It has been 1 year and 11 months to the day since I was in a serious relationship and two months since I have been intimate with anyone (just so happens to be my ex). I have even quit masturbating. Now my question is, Is this the right thing to do at my age? Am I being silly about this? I just want to give up and walk away. I do need to work on myself, and I believe you cant be in a healthy relationship with someone else if you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself.  At least I have been using this belief more as an excuse than anything. After the kids father I had two 6 month relationships and then 6 years with Ryan, until he ended it August 29, 2010. I had a brief unwanted relationship with someone and then a few random dates. Nothing worth talking about.  I don't know. I think it's time to let go.

We can't use our past as an excuse to stay in bondage to a negative, defeated approach to life. - joyce meyer ministries  {whoa, I just saw this on facebook while I was responding to a message. perfect timing}

Blog Challenge day 2: How have you changed in the past 2 years?

 I feel the biggest change in my life in the last 2 years has been that I don't stress or worry as much as I used to. Don't get excited, I still have my freak out moments. I just don't have constant worry. I have been slowly letting go of the silly little things that bother me and trying to go with the flow of life. I have also noticed I have become comfortable being single. This is the longest I have been without a significant other. I guess you can say I used to be a serial dater. Going from one relationship to another. I hated being alone and I feared it so much. I have learned to enjoy my alone time and to make the most of it. I have also learned to not always be in such a rush, with relationships and life. I'm okay with just having friends and no love interests.  I take my time getting to know people and I don't put my whole life out in the open right away. I also like to just quietly people watch. I go for walks more and take myself out on dates. I feel being comfortable being alone is a huge step for me. I did try to date but I wasn't really into it. I wasn't ready to be in a relationship and most dates were, so obviously I was dating for the wrong reasons (to meet new people and hang out). One guy slapped me across the face and asked what jerk made me the bitch I am. I guess I'm a bitch for not wanting more than friendship, HA. Some days it sucks being single cause I want to cuddle, hold hands, and all that mushy stuff, but I don't have someone. That's okay though, because I have my stuffed cow Ralph to cuddle, plus a vibrator & a dildo to take care of my urges (but the vibrator has a crack in it cause I dropped it). Yeah i can't have all the mushy stuff, but oh well, that's life. Hopefully all those feelings and urges will go away and I won't think about it anymore. 

Lent: Day 36

  I figured out what day of Lent I was on. Depending on which day you start on your Lent can be 40 days or 42 days long. I have actually chosen the 42 day path. I'm not 100% sure what the difference is for starting Lent on Monday (Eastern Catholicism) or Ash Wednesday (Western Catholicism).  All I know is one is Western and the other Eastern. Maybe I should research it since I practice Lent. I have done pretty well this year especially with giving up so much. I did cheat a few times, and Ryan and I had a deal where if we cheated we had to add a week for each cheat. I will not be doing that this year because some of the things I have given up for Lent with be permanent or reduced.

  I will be giving up beef & soda permanently. I will be reducing my pork (once a week) and poultry (twice a week) intake. I will also reduce my cussing. Sex is easy to reduce because I am not in a relationship (so no need for sex) and I deleted all porn off my computer. I'm keeping the masturbation because it's good for me and it helps me sleep. Dining out will be for special occasions only (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.).  Social Networking- though I did not give it up completely, I have reduced my time. I try to log in at certain times of the day instead of leaving it on all day. I will reduce it to 2 log ins a day, 30 minutes long. So an hour a day to stalk you should be good.

Lent: Day 26? Saturday

It was a semi lazy day. My son David and I went shopping for shoes. It took 5 stores to find shoes for that kid. He's not really picky, but he was worried about how much I would spend. Awww so nice of him.  While we shopped Samantha went to see HOP with her aunt Denise and uncle Burt. Samantha said it was a cute movie. They took Samantha shopping after for a new helmet and a football pump. She won a football at school Friday, but it was deflated. I didn't know you could get them that way. As soon as Samantha got home, she ran into the dining room and started pumping up her football. She was so excited. I can't help but think how awesome it is to have a daughter who loves football.

I got the laundry ready to wash and had 2 tuna sandwiches. I didn't think sorting laundry made me so hungry. I'll get up and wash in the morning. Good thing the wash room doesn't open till 10:00. I get to sleep in. YAY!



Lent is going well. It is very hard to not curse. It is also hard to not think about sex. I have been tempted to masturbate again, but have not. I think maybe because I am close to starting my menstrual cycle again. I am craving sweets and spicy food. I am also getting heavy into the fitness thing. I have been walking/ jogging everyday and I think I want to extend it. I am only doing 30 minutes, but I think I want to go one hour. and up my jogging. we'll see.

Just wanted to share this. 

Have a good night... 

oh and....

Lent Days 22-24

I took some time off from over stimulation. I did get online to check emails, and read news. Some how yesterday I got stuck watching literal music videos after reading a music news blog about them. I think I watched all of them. There was some that were super awful, but it didn't really matter I still laughed. Here is a link to a literal Total Eclipse of the Heart.

Lent is going pretty well. After my psychotic masturbation frenzy I was fine. So it seems I can only go a couple of weeks before I need to release the sexual pressure. I wonder if guys go through that? I have been drinking a lot of tea and i think I need to switch to decaf because I am having a serious time getting to sleep. My time and days are way off.  I think this weekend I will only drink water and hot green tea. I need to give my body a break. I started the Body Rock exercises and have been doing a walk/jog intervals for 30 minutes everyday. That Body rock program is no joke. i was hurting after four minutes and then after that Samantha wanted me to workout with her using my Kathy Smith DVD. I bought it at Big Lots for $2.00, but Walmart is selling it for around $6.00. I cannot keep up with Kathy Smiths 80's workout. Samantha loves it and can keep up. I can get about half way through one of her workouts then I have to take a break. I remember when I could do 2 or more of the Richard Simmons Sweatin' to the Oldies. Oh, now I want that, can you still buy the set? Kathy Smith's video is pretty good. It has 3 different workouts on one DVD. It was worth the $2.00.

Okay well I'm off to bed. Good Night!

Lent: Day ?? *^%#@%^*&*^&%$ (NSFW links)

I have been a bit depressed lately and i am trying to get things moving along in life.

Who am I kidding? No one. I am so F^*%ing out of it right now. My face is starting to hurt from the fake @$$ smile I've been carrying around. I'm tired, not interested in food and I cheated on my Lent. Honestly I don't care.  What did I do? I watched porn and masturbated. YUP I DID! Would you like to know what kind of porn I watched? NO? Too bad, I'm going to tell you anyway.

So I looked through the porn I have at home, but only found one I wanted to watch. I think I need new porn. Any ideas of what to get?

If i don't want what I have downloaded i usually go to hub hunter or the usual spots youporn, & pornhub. Theres another one, but I forgot what it's called.

First I watched was some softcore first time lesbian 3some.You know like when you hang out with your friends and experiment. Yeah it was like that. It was way to lovey and virginal. i watched the whole thing and thought it was a little unfair that the blonde chick got most of the attention. It was a little boring for my taste, but it was good enough to get me started. I wont watch that shit again though.

 I don't know the name of the porn because I downloaded it a while back. It's a 3some 2 guys and a chick in a yellow outfit including bright ass gloves. Why do I mention the gloves? She never took them off and they were distracting. I think both guys in the video are gay, maybe one is bi. The bi guy had 2doods tattooed on his arm, WTH?  The other guy well he would only do anal. No vag for that guy, so it would be safe to say he's gay. No worries, it was worth watching.

Eva Angelina

 Last I watched my favorite girl Eva Angelina. I'll watch anything of hers. This video I found online and it was okay. Mainly 3 women having their way with Eva. Though I love Eva, this is not one of the good ones. One of the chicks in the video was awful, I swear she was trying way too hard and she couldn't even do her part right. Whatever, it was still fun to watch Eva though, and it was enough to end my night.
*YES I'm judging porn*










So what have I learned from all this? I feel better now. I should not deprive myself of sex or masturbation. I love porn. Oh wait I already knew that one. Masturbation helps me sleep, gives me energy for the day and perks up my mood.

Have a nice day! xoxo

Isn't she damn sexy?

Lent: Day 12 Why I gave up Cursing & Sex

photo from www.skateandannoy.com

 Why did I gave up cursing & sex? Well it was a way to help cleanse my spirit, my emotions, and my heart. I am angry too much and curse too much, sometimes. I use cursing and sex like I use soda, as a release. I guess they are not that bad because I could be an alcoholic, or drug addict. I have another addiction, but that is another blog topic on it's own. I knew I may slip up a few times with these two but I wasn't expecting to get it perfect.

 I don't know how I got started cursing again. I didn't curse at all when the kids were little. It must have been the people I was friends with after the kids father and I split. Darn bad influences. I know I drop the F-bomb a lot and sh!t too. Now, I am the bad influence with my kids. My son is starting to curse at the TV when he plays games. Then when I tell him to watch his mouth; he says I freak out about the stupid words. GREAT! So maybe I can become a better influence and show my kids there are other colorful words to use. I just need to find some.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/froodmat/1213122428/

SEX! I'm such a man when it comes to sex. They say men have sex on the brain every 15 seconds. Hhmmm I think they were talking about me too. I love porn, sex, and masturbation, but I guess that's a no no for ladies. Yeah well I never said I was a lady. I used to masturbate on a regular basis. It helps me sleep, gets rid of my cramps and headaches. I have always been open about sex and relationships. I'm not afraid to discuss anything sexual, even if it's a topic I don't like. I won't go into detail here, maybe a mini blog series about my opinions and/or stories on sex in the near future? Yeah I can go on & on.
 I gave up sex because at the moment I really don't need it. I'm not in a serious relationship, so why would I have sex. I also gave up porn and masturbation. I can honestly say it was easier than I thought, but there have been a few times I couldn't shake the thought. I did slip up the first week of Lent, but I was also having some killer cramps. Oh well. I have been using exercising as an alternative. If I think about sex or get the urge, I exercise. It's working so far, though I think sexercise is much better. I do miss sex and porn. I know it's good for you- lose weight- better sleep & skin. It used to be that sex was just that sex, and fun. Now I need more than just sex. I need intimacy, but most people don't know what that is. Someday I will find someone worth being intimate with, until then I'll exercise. Damn that sounds boring. My life is going to suck.