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I've been wanting to blog about my serious issue. Okay, it's really not that serious, just to me it is.
I have been technically single for 3 years now. I have dated, most did not make it past dates 1-3. Sad, I know. It's not that I am picky or anything. I just know what I am looking for. Now this isn't what I really want to write about, but it is connected.
My issue is intimacy and sex. I can't tell you how jealous I am of everyone who is getting some right now. I can't remember the last time I was intimate with someone or even when I had sex last. Masturbation does not count in my book. I miss it, all of it. The holding of hands, the hugs and kisses, and amazing sex. Yes, I know I can easily call up one of my many guy friends and ask for a sexual favor. Most would be at my door within minutes, but I don't want that. For the first time in 3 years I actually want a relationship. I want to have that one person I can go to for anything. But no, I am sitting here in front of my laptop writing about it instead.
In the last year I had finally become comfortable with being single and being alone. Masturbation had become a daily (sometimes up to 3x a day) routine. I would go on dates here and there, but had no interest in becoming more. So I quit going on dates. I don't want to waste anyones time. Nor do I want to lead anyone on giving them false hope that we may one day be together. My biggest problem with dating was some men were in such a hurry to be in a relationship just so they could have sex. I would say "I'm not ready for a relationship" their response " oh, okay well when you're ready let me know". DUDE! I just fucking met you, and you already annoy me. Then there are the guys who are totally fine with me not being ready and have the nerve to say " well we could just hang out and have sex occasionally." Uhm how about NO! YES, I'm just as sexually frustration as you are, but I will not settle for your sorry ass. Okay, that was a bit mean, but I had so say it a few times.
I also don't like that masturbation has taken up a considerable amount of time in my day. I can't tell you how much porn I've watched in the last few weeks alone. My Tumblr follows are mostly some kind of porn or nudity. Yes, I know I am a pervert. Even Masturbation gets boring after a while, and porn, well it makes me more sexually frustrated than anything. Like I said I could call a friend for help, but I don't want a friend with benefits, a booty call, or a fuck buddy. I tried the friends with benefits. It didn't work out.
Why the change of heart? I have no idea really. I've been thinking about it a lot and, if I know what I'm looking for in a significant other, I have no problem starting a committed relationship with the person who best fits what I am looking for. Right? As I write this up and re-read it, I feel like I'm whining. Maybe I am. My biggest worry is I will settle. I don't want to do that. I will not settle.
P.S. I have a crush on someone I can't have. This bring the frustration to a whole new level. I say crush because I don't know him well enough to say it's more than that. I also prayed for the first time in a long time last night. Weird, right?
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