In The Absence of Sex

Two years ago I attempted to explore a variety of dating and sexual encounters. It fizzled out quickly.  I was bored or unimpressed with the people involved.  I thought maybe it was me at first.  Then I realized I just didn't like the experience as much as I thought I would.  After years of so-so situation-ships and two failed long term relationships (One was extremely toxic), I felt that I needed to remove myself from any "adult" activities. 

During these last two years I did re-attempt some form of dating but failed.  The men I met only wanted sex or thought sex was a way to get to know someone.  Uhm, no sir, that is not how you get to know me.   I can't believe how many guys on social media go straight to dick pics after a few minutes of chatting.  SLOW DOWN DUDE!!  Men at bars or at other public places were so quick to want to hook up.  The few I gave my number to would text me way too much and get upset if I didn't respond right away.  Clingy much??  There were a few who were nice guys, but they were not a good fit for me.  The bad relationships strike again, seeing red flags early on when talking to men.  Yes, I am set in my ways and I may have too many deal breakers.  I keep telling myself to wait until I move next year.  I'll have better luck in a new place.  Will I really?  What are the chances?  I feel defeated here in this drug infected town.  The thought of "All the good ones are taken" comes to mind.  I know that's not true.  I think I'm just a pain in the ass and too lazy to try.

Interesting fact: I no longer have interest in sex.  I quit watching porn and boxed up my adult toys.  Yup, I am 100% sex free!!  Though I am proud of this, I do wonder if it has anything to do with my depression.  I can't remember the last time I had any "relief".  The only time I get the urge is at the end of my monthly cycle.  I take a nice long bath and I'm good.  Sex is good for you and helps you stay healthy.  Sometimes I wonder if my lack of desire is part of my health issues.  How does one go about finding out of that is the case?  I can't talk to my doctor about it.  So who do I go to?  Oh poop!! I forgot to schedule my pap and mammogram appointment.  Oopsy!!

Information Overload

  Since my doctors visit I have been trying to research different styles of healthier lifestyles.  I don't want a fad diet.  I need to change my habits for life.  There is an abundance of information. Everyone thinks they have the answer to all your fitness and diet needs.  Somehow everyone is an expert.  Almost every site I went to had some amazing life changing plan.  Everyone wants you to sign up for free information.  Okay, okay, I did sign up for a few.  There are so many fad diets and fix it all healthy lifestyles that I feel overwhelmed.  I wanted to give up; I haven't even started.  I watched videos, took notes, pinned, downloaded, and printed a ton of information to compile what might work for me.  I AM EXHAUSTED!!! Yup, it was a workout just weeding through all the websites and fitness gurus.  Any topic that drastically changed from one "expert" to the other I removed from my list of possibilities. I think I may have narrowed it down.  I know this is going to start with trial and error and be a long journey before I get it just right, for me.  I'm sure there will be something I find along the way that I may like better, but for now, I think I'll have a good start.  I'm still researching two key lifestyle plans to decide which one will be better in the long run.  I have a feeling I will be meshing them together in some way.  Probably add something crazy to the mix along the way. 
  I'm sure you're wondering what the heck I'm talking about.  My choices have come down to the Paleo and Keto diets.  I tried Keto before but cried when I gave up all the lovely carbs.  Sadly, I think I have no choice at this point.  I'm a bloated butter ball right now and I'm blaming all the carbs I eat.  I feel Paleo gives me more options, but Keto may be a better option.  I will try both, one at a time, for 30 days each.  I considered going 90 days but I might as well just keep going with my first choice, right?  In order to prepare for this transition, I am resetting my gut and adding intermittent fasting.  Actually, I've already started intermittent fasting by only eating during an 8 hour period. 
  I know this sounds extreme and crazy.  It's probably unhealthy too, at least right now.  But, I have been eating unhealthy for so long I need to do something.  During the next week, as I am resetting my gut, I will be doing more research and making a plan.  Paleo will most likely be my first choice.  It's seems easier. Seems... We'll see.  The number one thing I must do is keep a food journal.  I'm not worried about tracking calories.  I will attempt to track carbs, fat, and salt.  I have a few fitness apps on my phone to help me keep track, but I want to also write it down.  Writing makes me think about what I am doing and feeling.  It will give me the opportunity to hold myself accountable. 
  I know there is a slight chance these don't work for my body, but I'm willing to try. The information on healthy living is just crazy.  I'll also keep researching and learning new ways to live a healthier lifestyle.  I promise.


What Fad diets have you tried?  Do you have suggestions for other healthy lifestyles I may want to learn about? 

Facing The Facts: Living With Depression

11.06.2017

Today I thought deeply about how I am feeling.  I thought about what brought me to this point.  There is no straight answer.  There never is.  I don't know what started my journey down this road; I do know that ignoring my thoughts and feelings is how I'm here now.  I was working more than I should and just coming home to sleep and eat.  My days off would be running errands and doing chores.  I quit going out to watch sports because I didn't want to drink anymore.  I stayed home and watched Netflix and Youtube with the kids.  Of course, I would snack the whole time I was watching shows.  I always had beef jerky, Cheetos, and soda.  We were ordering fast food or dining out while running errands because I was "too tired" to cook.  I take full responsibility for what I've allowed to happen.  I ignored my mental health, I treated my body horribly, and I pushed myself to the edge of exhaustion.  There were signs and I even blogged about it earlier this year.  Yet I just let this monster grow within me.  I made a choice and now I have to fight to get back to a better mindset.

I am in constant pain, physically and mentally.  My joints are hurting, I'm overweight (167.6 pounds), I have headaches throughout the day.  I'm starting to get brain fog and becoming clumsy.  My blood work from my last doctors visit looks like my health may be declining.  I feel disgusted, defeated, and just plain DONE!  I wish I could crawl into bed and sleep for days, but I can barely sleep more than 2 hours at a time.  I know I need to figure out how to get out of this rut.  I know this isn't long term.  I'm working on it, little by little.  Day by day.

That's all I can do for now.  Take it one day at a time.


"There are two ways to be Happy: Change the situation, or change your mindset towards it"
-Unknown

It's November, Where is the Fall Weather?

Is it me or do we have some wacky weather?  I was hoping for more windy days and autumn leaves falling.  I wonder if we will get a lot of thunder storms this winter. 

My mind is cloudy and tired.  Actually exhausted is the better description.  My body aches, limbs numb or tingly, and I'm exhausted but can't sleep. I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown and my doctor says the only way to get better is to quit my job.  Yep, that was the main topic of my doctors appointment today.  I should find a less stressful job so I can focus on my health.  My white blood count is much higher than last year, and sadly so is my weight.  I am 167 lbs... AAHHH  No wonder my clothes don't fit and I feel like crap.  Also 23 and Me sent me an email informing me that Celiac disease is a possibility.  Not happy about that, but it explains a few things.  Maybe even my weight gain? 

Working midshifts will be the death of me. I have zero motivation, I'm stress eating, and can't sleep.  Yay me!

Now only if my favorite weather would hurry up and get here. I'd be in a better mood.

Trying To Get My Groove Back

It's been tough.  I have not had the desire to write.  Then when I do have inspiration, I'm at work with no time to stop and jot down my thoughts.  I haven't been reading much either.  I have six books I have yet to finish.  I'm not exercising, cleaning, organizing, and I have reminders on my phone to make sure I do these darn things.   I need to get it together.

This time last year I was trying the Ruth Soukup challenges from her books.  I failed miserably.  One day is not enough time for my clutter.  I did however donate ten boxes to Salvation Army in July and will be donating another six this week.  My plan is to donate one more time by the end of the year.

I've made an End of the Year Plan... Yay! Okay, not really.  If I would have done what I said I was going to last year, I would be buying a house and 100% organized right now.   So this is me declaring my life a mess and it needs cleaning up... again.  My dream/Goal is to become a minimalist.  I have been watching videos on Youtube.  Now, I don't want to get rid of everything I have.  I want to reduce what I have to the important things and stop buying crap I don't need.  I will never give up on my books, NEVER.  So don't dare ask me to do that.  I also need to get my health in order.  I have gained a lot of weight recently and all my pants are pretty snug.  I also look gross when I'm sitting.  While I was thinking about ways to improve my life, I realized I spend most of my off time eating and playing Facebook games. YES, I said it, I play Facebook games.  I started to make a list of things I want to work on.  So this is where I'll start, then reevaluate in 30 days.

1. Make a Budget
2. Organize home and digital files
3. Donate to Salvation Army 
4. Reduce Social media & games
5. Read more (15 books by January 1)
6. Exercise (start at 3x a week)
7. Bring lunch to work. 

Challenge Accepted

I started a challenge with Ruth Soukups 31 days of Living Well & Spending Zero and 31 Days to a Clutter Free Life.  Yes, I'm doing both at once.  I'm pushing myself to get my home and life organized and prepared for the next chapter in my life.  If you don't know who Ruth Soukup is you can check out her website Living Well Spending Less. I saw one of her books at Barnes and Noble and thought, "I need this in my life".  After reading Living Well, Spending Less I bought all her books.  I don't own the journal though.

I attempted the challenge last summer but was unsuccessful due to work.  Things have changed and I'm so ready for the challenge this time around.  I'm working through two of her books but starting them at different times.  Day 1 of Living Well & Spending Zero started Wednesday, unfortunately day 2 I worked in Oakland and when I got home at 6:15, I fell asleep as soon as I laid  on my bed.  I didn't realize how tired I was.  So, Here I am working on day 2 before work and my daughter will finish it tonight.  We are organizing the kitchen pantry.  It looks like we will be eating a lot of canned veggies and pasta for the next 30 days.  I buy my pasta and canned goods when my store has them on sale. You know those sales, 5 for $5 and so on.  I also bought a lot of soup.  My freezer is pretty empty at the moment and my fridge needs to be completely cleaned out.  I'm afraid to see if there is a science experiment in there.

Day 3 (tomorrow) will be easy. Meal planning.  I want to start meal prepping, but looking at what I have to use, it's not going to happen.  I can however make lunches for work.  Not as healthy as I would have liked.

Day 1 of 31 Days to a Clutter Free Life is just getting the basics down.. Days 2 will be a breeze as its the Entry way of our home.  We don't really have one but there is a closet at our entrance that I will clean and organize tomorrow when I get home from work.  Seems easy, right?

Well I'm off to work.. It's gonna be a long night.  Graduations and Memorial Day weekend.. Bring on the party people looking for beer...

Conversations With Strangers

Being a pedestrian has it's perks.  How often do you talk to strangers while going to doctor appointments, grocery shopping, or work?  Not at all if you drive yourself, right?  For a long time I would put headphones on and ignore the world as I traveled to my destinations.  I was always afraid to chat with people on the bus or at the corner while I waited for the light to change.  We were raised not to talk to strangers as if all other humans were some terrifying beast.   Yes, there are some scary people in the world and we may be at risk sometimes while out and about.  Don't worry, I don't go anywhere with these strangers.

 People want connection, even for a moment with a stranger.  People want to feel noticed, heard, and a little less lonely.  Most of my brief conversations are not pleasant, but the ones that last just long enough for me to get to my destination are the ones I know made a difference in someones life.  Even if all I did was smile and say Hello.

When speaking to the homeless, I always remind myself that they may not have full mental capabilities anymore.  I usually just listen to their stories, offer food, and let then be on their way.  It's heart breaking to hear about their families and old life.  Then there are ones who just want to talk about what a nice day it is. Their happiness is a pleasant sight which gives me hope.

There are the older ladies who are lonely. Kids don't visit anymore because everyone is too busy.  I see pictures of grand kids all the time.  If only their children could see the pride in these ladies eyes as they speak of family and all the accomplishments made in life.

Recently I have been chatting it up with random people everywhere I go.  Some are customers from my store.  I don't remember them, but they know me.  It's still weird when that happens.  My last conversation was about traffic and how every driver seems to be in such a hurry.  As we walked he told me that he enjoys riding his bike to work when the weather permits.  He also enjoys taking walks to Starbucks on his lunch breaks.  Then it turns into me listening to this man talking about his wife and how awesome she is.  I wonder if she knows how much he loves her and admires her hard work.

My favorite conversations are the ones I'm not participating in.  Just listening to strangers on the bus or at Starbucks chat about celebrities, world events, their families, and politics is entertaining and inspiring.  It is rare that I hear arguments.  What I hear and see in these conversations are strangers coming together to educate and understand opposing views, or just bragging about who has the more funny or successful kids/ grand kids.

I didn't realize how much of the world I was missing out on until I broke my headphones.