Friday Night Blues

How about just some wine, or whiskey, whiskey sounds great. 

I was going to write about a recent situation, but I am not feeling up to putting it into words at this moment.

My daughter has some friends over tonight for a Horror Movie Marathon.  So far all I have seen them watch is David So and some random videos on Youtube.  So much for horror movies.  So I sit here at the laptop with headphones on trying to drown out the laughter and teen fun.

I feel left out of the fun in a way.  More of an "I wish I had some company for me."  The one who I would like to be here doesn't want to be.  Most of my friends are busy, want to go out and drink,  or the people who I would like to see don't want to see me.  So I sit here on my own with the laughter of teens  in the other room.  Yes, I guess you can say I am whining and No, I don't want cheese with it.

I don't like feeling lonely, no one does really.  It sucks, but it's my own fault I'm in this position.  I guess it's what I deserve.  Karma kicked my ass this week and a lesson was learned and boy did it hurt.

So all I have to say at this moment is    248

The Single Life: Dating, Intimacy, and Sex or lack there of.

This beautiful art is by People Everyday At Deviant Art

I've been wanting to blog about my serious issue.  Okay, it's really not that serious, just to me it is.

I have been technically single for 3 years now.  I have dated, most did not make it past dates 1-3.  Sad, I know.  It's not that I am picky or anything.  I just know what I am looking for.  Now this isn't what I really want to write about, but it is connected.

My issue is intimacy and sex.  I can't tell you how jealous I am of everyone who is getting some right now. I can't remember the last time I was intimate with someone or even when I had sex last.  Masturbation does not count in my book.  I miss it, all of it.  The holding of hands, the hugs and kisses, and amazing sex.  Yes, I know I can easily call up one of my many guy friends and ask for a sexual favor.  Most would be at my door within minutes, but I don't want that.  For the first time in 3 years I actually want a relationship.  I want to have that one person I can go to for anything.  But no, I am sitting here in front of my laptop writing about it instead.

In the last year I had finally become comfortable with being single and being alone.  Masturbation had become a daily (sometimes up to 3x a day) routine.  I would go on dates here and there, but had no interest in becoming more.  So I quit going on dates.  I don't want to waste anyones time.  Nor do I want to lead anyone on giving them false hope that we may one day be together.  My biggest problem with dating was some men were in such a hurry to be in a relationship just so they could have sex.  I would say "I'm not ready for a relationship" their response " oh, okay well when you're ready let me know". DUDE! I just fucking met you, and you already annoy me.  Then there are the guys who are totally fine with me not being ready and have the nerve to say " well we could just hang out and have sex occasionally." Uhm how about NO!   YES, I'm just as sexually frustration as you are, but I will not settle for your sorry ass.  Okay, that was a bit mean, but I had so say it a few times.

I also don't like that masturbation has taken up a considerable amount of time in my day.  I can't tell you how much porn I've watched in the last few weeks alone.  My Tumblr follows are mostly some kind of porn or nudity.  Yes, I know I am a pervert.  Even Masturbation gets boring after a while, and porn, well it makes me more sexually frustrated than anything.  Like I said I could call a friend for help, but I don't want a friend with benefits, a booty call, or a fuck buddy.  I tried the friends with benefits.  It didn't work out.

Why the change of heart?  I have no idea really.  I've been thinking about it a lot and, if I know what I'm looking for in a significant other,  I have no problem starting a committed relationship with the person who best fits what I am looking for.  Right?  As I write this up and re-read it, I feel like I'm whining. Maybe I am.  My biggest worry is I will settle. I don't want to do that.  I will not settle.

P.S. I have a crush on someone I can't have.  This bring the frustration to a whole new level.  I say crush because I don't know him well enough to say it's more than that.  I also prayed for the first time in a long time last night.  Weird, right?

Flustered or something like that

flust·er

verb

past tense: flustered; past participle: flustered

1. Make (someone) agitated or confused.

"You need to be able to work under pressure and not get flustered"

synonyms:  unsettle, make nervous, unnerve, agitate, ruffle, upset, bother, put on edge, disquiet, disturb, worry, perturb, disconcert, confuse, throw off balance, confound

As I sit here today alone for the most part; I listen to Nero Radio and Luke Bryan Radio on Pandora. I am also searching through a variety of Tumblr porn while trying to think of what it is I want to write about.  I take that back; I know what I want to write about, I just can't get my thoughts onto the page.  I've been so flustered for most of the last 24 hours.  Trying to smooth out my ruffled feathers with music and porn has not worked.  It's a bit disappointing to know even porn can't bring my mood up.  I want to express how I feel and why I am feeling this way.  For some idiotic reason I can't get it out of my head.  Every time I attempt to type out my thoughts they come out all wrong and I start over.  So here I am now just typing how much I want to write about something completely different.  BOO to me!  

UGH! How do I get these emotions out of me?   

P.S. I am so sexually frustrated right now, I need to ____________. Yeah, That.

Fitness Goals and a mini update

Hello, how have you been?  I've had a busy weekend and Monday.

Sunday I went to Stoneman Park in Pittsburg to weigh in for the free 24 fit challenge I have been wanting to try.  I will get my results in an email sometime this week.  I'm pretty excited since I've become such a fat ass.  The only problem is I have hurt my right shoulder.  I have spoken to mr Doctor about it already and may need physical therapy.  So, my plan is to discuss options with my new fitness coach.  Hopefully we can find ways to help my shoulder.
I am still participating in the walking group.  We walk at LMC for now and we are looking for other walking options.   Some of you may have noticed I took the Friday 13 blog down.  After our group meeting this weekend I realized there was more to this group than I thought.  This isn't just about fitness or becoming healthier.  It's about empowering each other to become better people and to encourage each other in our difficult times.  I also learned I was not the only one discouraged by how things were going so far.  So we made group and personal goals.  Something to look forward to and keep us challenged.  No one likes boring workouts.
With my attempt to become healthier, I have made some goals to help me not only better myself physically, but mentally as well.  I have been anti-social, not focusing on my educational goals and I haven't really checked off enough Bucket List items either.  This year of self feels as if all I did was whine about how miserable I am.  THAT SHIT NEEDS TO STOP! I need to get my ass moving.
I would like to share some of my goals with you today.

Fitness Goals:

1. Complete Fitness Boot Camp (3 classes a week for 5 weeks)
2. work up to jogging on a regular basis
3. Jog Bay to Breakers 2014 
4. Reduce Caffeine/soda until I wipe it out of my eating habits.   (Pretty much finish off what I have in my home) 
5. Learn cleaner eating habits.  Reduce refined sugar and remove processed food as much as possible.          (as I type this I am having a quarter of a Pepperidge Farm cookie)

Walking Group Goals: 60 day fitness goal

1. As a group walk 1 mile under 15 minutes.  
2. No refined sugars after 7 pm for first 30 days/ after 6 pm second 30 days. 
3. Reduce inches and not worry about what the scale says (though we will weigh in)

I'll find out more about how to achieve my goals and maybe add more once the boot camp starts.  As for the walking group, we need a name, and looking for people to join.  

My Sunburned Birthday Adventure

My birthday is July 1, and I am 36 years old this year.   I was planning on just going to school and going about my day like it's any other day.  Except i was far to sunburned to walk and my poor legs swelled up twice their size.  Why you ask?  Oh well, my friend Eric thought it would be nice to take me away for the weekend on a Birthday Adventure.  You know by now I love adventures, so of course I agreed not knowing what we will be doing until I got there.  Silly me, didn't think to bring sunblock and neither did Eric.  We drove to Forestville to go canoeing at Burkes.  I have never been before and at first said NO WAY!  Not that I didn't want to try, but there were a lot of people and I don't do well in big crowds.  This was a big crowd in water so naturally I panicked.  Once a large portion of the crowd was on their way I felt safe enough to go.  We get our canoe and head out for a three hour paddle ride down the Russian River.  Wait.. THREE HOURS?  Oh nice Eric, you could have told me BEFORE we got in the darn canoe.  Like I said before, I had no sunblock, with short shorts on.  It has been about ten years since my legs have seen the sun.  The scenery was fabulous, the canoe ride was great, and people were super friendly.  About half way through the ride I got wet but some local kids who got us with super soakers.  I was already getting hot and feeling a little burnt.  The water cooled me for a minute until I started to feel the burn.  I knew it was going to be too late by the time we were done.  So I did the best I could by taking my shirt off to cover my legs.  Once we got to the end I swam in the river until the bus came to pick us up.  The water was so cool and refreshing.  I want to go back and camp at Burkes.

It doesn't look bad, yet. 

One the Canoe trip was done we went back to the Hotel and cleaned up.  I took a cold bath and somehow with my burned legs was able to get my nylons on.  We went to dinner at the Hotel, walked around, and thought about going to the pool.  We sat and watched the people from our balcony before we fell asleep.  The next morning I stepped out on the balcony to see lots of spider webs, I saw some the night before, I just didn't realize there were so many.  There was one spider in particular wrapping his new meal.  I snapped a picture of him but didn't like it.  I snapped another and thought OH MY GOSH, He has a scary face.

Such an evil grin 

Once we were ready to go, I stepped out to say goodbye to Mr. Spider, but he was busy eating.  We went to Armstrong Redwoods State Reserve.  I had never been there and I was super excited because as you all know I love nature.  My sunburn wasn't too bad though my pants rubbed on my knees as i climbed.  I took some pictures of random trees and animals.  Eric spotted a doe, at first that is all we saw; then she starts walking away from us and we see two babies trotting behind her.  They were so cute.

Oh snap! Mama deer's looking right at us. 

We ended the day with Goat Rock Beach.  I'm not sure why it's called that when nothing looks like a goat.  I read that my favorite movie of all time, GOONIES, was filmed here (the last scene). We saw some seals playing in the water.  The water was ice cold by the way.  It felt good on my burned legs until I was out of the water.  The wind made me shiver like I had a fever.  BBRRRRRRRRRR

Arched Rock at Goat Rock Beach.  Photo by me

On the way home we grabbed some dinner and chatted about the weekend.  I complained about my legs and Eric says the dumbest thing ever "You're Mexican, I thought you could handle it".  Uh thanks man, cause Mexicans never burn.  I guess I'm not mexican enough to handle the sun, ha ha.  We get to my house only to find my son outside freaking out because a praying mantis is on the window.  I tell him how they are good luck.  He doesn't care, to him it's the devil.  We move the poor mantis to a nearby rose bush.  That my friends is my Birthday Adventure.

The Mantis we found on my window sill. 

** You can see the rest of the photos in my Google+ Album BDAY POST

Like, OMG... It's been while... AGAIN.

The super moon behind the clouds.  

Yes, I've been away for too long.  I wanted to blog, but didn't have time or made some lame excuse on why I couldn't.  Mostly, we are down to  one computer and I have to fight with the kids to get on the darn thing.  I tried to add the Blogger app after I reset my phone for the third time, but it won't let me log in.  Stupid phone won't let me use my Just Another Lisa Perez account for some reason.  I need to figure it out, so I can blog on the bus to keep you all updated.  I have been writing journals though. 

School is about 8 weeks away from being done.  I plan on extending my classes another 5 weeks.  There are some classes that are not included in my program and I would like to take them.  I haven't started looking for work yet.  I have a 2 week break in mid July and plan to start the second week to hopefully have a few interviews during break.  Cross your fingers.  I'm not 100 percent sure where to look for work.  I guess I'll just see what's out there and go with the flow.  

My 30 day challenges are going okay, though Junes started and then got lost in the chaos of school.  Oh well, I tried.  May was Fitness month and I started eating better, doing some fitness challenges I saw on Instagram.  I lost some weight and then started gaining it back.  Not because it was muscle but because i got lazy and started eating junk again.  July is all about reading.  So I will read up on as much fitness and health lifestyles as i can.  I want to learn about Macros and how it works.  I also want to know more about creating my own personal mini-gym at home.  I refuse to pay for a membership when i can invest in the equipment I need for home.  I am also doing The Gratitude Experiment. The challenge isn't until October, but this is a good head start.  It's interesting and has made me focus more on me.  So far I like it. Check it out HERE

My birthday is coming up real fast here.  I will go away for the weekend before my birthday and have dinner with friends the following weekend.  My buddy Eric insists on treating me to a weekend get-away to help me relax and focus on what is important -- ME.  I've been seriously stressed with school and it's been showing in my attitude.  I will visit my grandmother in San Jose during my two week break.  It will be a much needed break away from my neighborhood.  Which is another stress inducer at the moment.  This place has gone down hill in the last few months.  

Well I think I better get ready for tomorrow.  I'm a bit tired from the day.  I miss writing here on a regular basis.  

Music Monday: I've become a bitter woman.

      I was going to write about Third Eye Blind tonight.  As I started writing another song came on Itunes.  A song that I like, but it gives me a tinge of pain.  Wait, is tinge a word? I think it is.  Jason Mraz's Who's Thinking About You Now.  I listen to this song often and have a ugly habit of answering his question in a bitter tone, in my head, while the song plays. As the song nears the end I always want to say Yeah Right! ...  I didn't realize how bitter and angry I had become about love and relationships.  Yet, I listen to this song over and over again.  Is this my own way of torturing myself?  I look through my playlist and see what I have in them and see that one in particular has a lot of song that make me look bitter, angry, and maybe a bit psycho.  Haha , okay, not funny Lisa.  I'm really keeping up on my promise to myself about relationships/ men/ love/ friends.  I'm doing so well I have made some "friends" walk away.  Oh well, not my problem. Or is it?  Have I become so bitter and self involved that I have pushed everyone away?  Maybe.  This is supposed to be the Year of Self, right?  It's helped weed out people, sadly a few who I thought were important walked away and the ones I hoped would leave, have been trying harder to get my attention.  DAMN IT! It backfired, or am I just that bad of a person?  I am working on becoming a better person, I guess i'm going about it wrong.  So many questions and no answers.  *sigh*

I keep telling myself in the end it will all be worth it, but at what cost?

Well enjoy the song. Jason Mraz aka: Mr A to Z is one of my favorite artists of all time.