Something I always think "WHAT IF" about.

I had a tubal ligation when I was 23. I don't think it was a mistake, at the time it was the right thing to do in my situation. I had three high risk pregnancies and risking my life or a babies was not what i wanted.  Looking back I wonder if there was an alternative. I had tried a variety of birth control with some unfortunate reactions. the father of my two youngest children refused to use condoms, pull out, abstain or get clipped himself. So I chose to do what was best for me and my children. Now, I think I was selfish for having the surgery, I didn't have all the facts and was told by 2 out of 3 Doctors to NOT do it. Yes Doctor #3 was more than willing to do the surgery.
I also feel my decision to have the tubal ligation 12 years ago is the reason for the end of my last relationship. Though he says it is not the case. I feel that my inability to have children damaged our relationship. Yes he knew that I was unable to have children, but I selfishly pursued and became engaged to a man who wanted children, knowing I could not give him what he wanted. It was and still is a battle within my heart.

30 day Song Challenge: My Parents suggest....

30 Day Song Challenge: Day 8: A song your parents/guardian suggested.

This was the first CD I ever got. Yes my parents bought this for me when I was 15. Thanks mom & dad.

The Slumber Party 3.12.11

Samantha's slumber party went well. There were a couple of girls who came to the party but couldn't stay the night. They had pizza, salad, and cupcakes. I made punch which came out pretty yummy. I looked through a variety of recipes and just took what I liked from them. The girls loved it. 

 The girls watched Austin Powers: Goldmember when the party first started and then switched to playing Singstar on the PS2. They sang 3 songs over and over again; Ashlee Simpson- Invisible, Britney Spears- Hit Me Baby One More Time, and Panic! at the Disco- I Write Sins Not Tragedies (It was funny to hear the girls skip goddamn). Samantha got some cute gifts and she was very excited about them. My friend Rebecca and her daughter came to the party and stayed a while, so I had some company. We looked through Liberty High Schools yearbook archives and talked about people we haven't seen in years. A kind of I wonder where they are now. Stories of high school are fun and a reminder of who you once were. They finished the night off with Coraline around midnight. Once everyone was asleep I finally went to bed. 

   I wake to someone knocking on the door. I thought it was one of the parents, so I hop out of bed, and start down the stairs. I hear Samantha telling my friend Chris he can't be here (girls only party). I come down the stairs to Samantha it's okay cause it's morning. Actually it was more like 10 something. I find the girls watching Stephen King's IT once I get down and say good morning. Nice morning movie, right? The girls had left over pizza for breakfast. I couldn't take much pictures because they wanted the house dark. It's okay because they had fun. That's what matters, because it's my children's turn to make the memories they will laugh about when they are my age. I hope they are all good ones. 

Facebook Note turned Blog part 1

I understand that the Facebook Notes are a type of blog. Myspace has blogs and now so does Friendster. I used to blog on Myspace regularly and plan on going back to it. I did more ranting & raving there than anything and I think it's best to keep it there.

The Note titled "15 Things I No Longer Give A Sh!t About" was one of those tagging games you pass around. As I was writing the Note I thought I could say so much more than 15 things and maybe even elaborate on some. I'm sure everyone can. So here it is, those 15 things.

1.Politics -  I try to pay attention, but most of the time I get lost. I do vote, but I don't understand some of the things I'm supposed to be voting on. I may actually be making things worse than better. My bad.

2. The News - This one is a 50/50 chance I'll care. I like watching foreign news.It's a little exciting. I feel U.S. news is boring. We sound like a bunch of 1st graders telling on each other. Though the recent issues in Egypt & the camera woman getting attacked caught my attention. I do enjoy watching the news cast interact with each other sometimes. It is nice to see them as real people rather than stiff puppets reading off a teleprompter or computer screen.

3. Celebrities - I don't care if they had surgery, I don't care if they have a melt down or have the same issues as the rest of us. I expect it. They ARE people, just like you & I. Stop putting them on these unrealistic pedestals. They do everyday things & make mistakes just like us. The only difference is their job/career is in entertainment. they work just as hard as we do. They deserve the money & luxuries they have. Get over it.

4. Fashion - I don't care and that all there is to it. I wear what I like & I don't care if you have a muffin top cause your pants are too tight, or you're too fat to wear an outfit. If you like it wear it. I do have only 1 pet peeve about fashion- saggy pants. If I wanted to see your underwear I would ask. But I'll just have to deal with it.

5. Drama - Everyone says they don't like drama, and it seems the ones that bitch about it most cause the most drama. Sometime drama can be fun; fights at bars, T.V. shows, movies. I don't mind a little here and there, such as you needing my help in a small family dispute, getting over your ex, or you need to vent for a minute. It's the drama that constantly spills into my life that I don't like. I would like you to keep your negative thoughts, stalking exes, and psycho family out of my life thank you. Some people are just negative all the time and thats not cool.

6. Your Opinions - I can accept that we will disagree on many topics. I will also listen to your point of view & respectfully agree or disagree. Please do not think you will be able to shove your opinions down my throat or beat them into me. Thats when you become the person in #5 and I will distance myself from you.

7. Your Feelings - I will always try to be as honest as I can with you. Do not ask me something and then get mad when it's not what you "want" to hear. I also don't expect you to feel sorry for me or walk on eggshells so you don't hurt my feelings. Honesty is much more important to me.

8. How "smart" you think you are & what "college" you went to.- This is for those people who went to trade schools and try to make it sound like they are better than me because I'm in Community College right now. Good for you if thats what you wanted to do. I don't, I want a Masters Degree, so I need to go to college for a long ass time. I'm okay with that. So I don't give a rats ass if you're done already. It has nothing to do with me.

9. Your insecurities - This brings numbers 5-8 together. Most of the people who I'm talking about in the last few have issues with insecurity. They either have an inflated sense of importance or they are so down on themselves, you want to commit suicide to get away from them. Both people just want to bring you down or are fishing for compliments. It's very unattractive, so stop it or i will keep my distance.

10. Most Peoples Kids - I have 3 kids and I know they can be a pain sometimes. I don't know if it's just me or if kids are just plain brats. I'm starting to understand the elderly as I age and see kids these days. Growing up I did not cuss at my parents and do what ever i wanted. Other peoples kids either hate me or are afraid of me because I am not afraid to put them in time out (face the wall standing up). I will make sure you stay there too. I have had friends tell me I was mean. Which brings me to the next one.

11. Most parents today - I am not even close to mother of the year. I don't expect you to be either. Now I'm not saying give every parent a break, but don't expect us to be the parents of the 1950s. I understand that it's hard to raise kids these days and every parent has their own way of doing it. I just think it's sad to see so many parents try to be friends with their kids rather than the parent they could be.

12. How messy or clean your house is - So what if you couldn't clean your house before I came over to visit. I don't clean my all the time. Your super clean house looks lovely but it will be messy in 5 minutes if you got kids. Your house doesn't have to be spotless when I visit and don't expect mine to be. I'm already your friend and except you as you are, messy/clean house and all. I will not judge you based on how clean your house is.

13. I don't drive, or own a car - For some reason it bothers everyone around me that i don't drive or own a car. WHY? I hate driving, it makes me feel nauseous, and jittery. I have panic attacks just sitting in the drivers seat. Why would you want me to drive and put others at risk? This is where your opinion doesn't matter. I have no intentions of driving. If you don't like it then too bad. Plus I feel there are too many vehicles on the road these days.

14. Not acting my age - I don't understand where people get this. How does a 33 year old act? I believe we are as old as we feel & think we are. I also believe there is a time for maturity & there is a time for being immature. You just have to know when the right time is for you. You can't be serious and "mature" all the time, nor can you be immature and reckless all the time. There has to be a balance.

15. My Past - This took a long time to happen. I have made some bad choices and I have been through some unpleasant experiences. I no longer dwell on what I cannot change and look forward, and bring with me the change I can make. Fuck the rest!