Facing The Facts: Living With Depression

11.06.2017

Today I thought deeply about how I am feeling.  I thought about what brought me to this point.  There is no straight answer.  There never is.  I don't know what started my journey down this road; I do know that ignoring my thoughts and feelings is how I'm here now.  I was working more than I should and just coming home to sleep and eat.  My days off would be running errands and doing chores.  I quit going out to watch sports because I didn't want to drink anymore.  I stayed home and watched Netflix and Youtube with the kids.  Of course, I would snack the whole time I was watching shows.  I always had beef jerky, Cheetos, and soda.  We were ordering fast food or dining out while running errands because I was "too tired" to cook.  I take full responsibility for what I've allowed to happen.  I ignored my mental health, I treated my body horribly, and I pushed myself to the edge of exhaustion.  There were signs and I even blogged about it earlier this year.  Yet I just let this monster grow within me.  I made a choice and now I have to fight to get back to a better mindset.

I am in constant pain, physically and mentally.  My joints are hurting, I'm overweight (167.6 pounds), I have headaches throughout the day.  I'm starting to get brain fog and becoming clumsy.  My blood work from my last doctors visit looks like my health may be declining.  I feel disgusted, defeated, and just plain DONE!  I wish I could crawl into bed and sleep for days, but I can barely sleep more than 2 hours at a time.  I know I need to figure out how to get out of this rut.  I know this isn't long term.  I'm working on it, little by little.  Day by day.

That's all I can do for now.  Take it one day at a time.


"There are two ways to be Happy: Change the situation, or change your mindset towards it"
-Unknown

What have I become?

Envy: A feeling of discontent or covetousness with regard to another's advantages, success, possessions.

Self Loathing: Refers to an extreme dislike or hatred of oneself, or being angry at or even prejudiced towards oneself.

What has become of me? Why have I reverted back to my old childish self? I am fighting these feelings of envy and insecurities. Yet, I fear they are winning and will take over my life. In the past 6 months or so I have become envious of many things, mostly sill things such as the way other females look. Why have I lowered myself to this horrible self loathing, angry person. I don't know if it's because I am stuck in a rut right now in my life or because i am single and starting to become very lonely. Maybe it's a little of both. I tell my friends and even strangers on the internet to love themselves as they are. That there is nothing wrong with them and they are wonderful. I am such a hypocrite! As I sit here trying to make everyone else feel better about themselves i am hating myself for not being them. I am not out seeking attention or a relationship. I don't fish for compliments and  for a long time I have been happy with the way I am. So why now do i want to break down and pick apart every little piece of me. In December I had a few good days where everything felt right. It quickly went away and the darkness set in once again.
I can't get it through my head that i don't need to be like this. As I sit here and type this I know it's crazy and I should stop. I can't, or at least don't know how. I go through this vicious cycle that is eating away and my being, eating my soul little by little. Envy- anger- self hate- disgust- anger- sadness- self hate etc... It just keeps going. How long can a person keep this up before they go insane or worse? I've always had depression and i have Borderline Personality Disorder. This time around it's something more, something far worse then anything i have ever had. I want to just hide in my home and hope it goes away. I feel like I am split in two. This fake being for the public and then this withered up hollow creature in the dark. If you knew the things I say and do to myself you would never speak to me again or maybe have me committed. I don't know. I'm tired, of everything. I want to give up, but I have children to take care of so it's not an option.
I am not asking for help. I am not asking for you to feel sorry for me. i am just venting and letting this out. Writing in a paper journal isn't helping the way I thought it would. All the angry things I say in those journals, if i said what I write to myself to other people I would probably be in jail or dead.

I am tired and need to sleep.

Lent Days 15 & 16- A quickie

I just wanted to say hello. I am working on one of my other blogs at the moment. I am also doing research and prepping for a few blogs for here. I'm not really in the mood to do it, but I have a list of blogs i have been trying to finish.  Honestly i am in depression mode and trying to get out of it. I hate the way I feel right now. I know it will pass, or at least i hope it will. Maybe I'll blog later, maybe...