An Interesting Insight to my Mindful Happiness

I like this quote.  It's something my old self would say with a passive aggressive attitude.  I guess I can say I still have a 4 foot wall up that I can peek over to see whose coming my way.   I can also say I have built a nice little gate that never locks.  It easily swings open to those who want to visit.  They can come and go as they please.  No one is locked out or in.  It doesn't matter if you want to stay or not.  I welcome short term visitors.  Actually I prefer it these days.  There was a time I would have wanted, no, needed people to stay, hopefully forever.  Not anymore.  My journey of Mindful Happiness has freed me from possession, obsession, jealousy, and attachment.  It also has me lost for words, freed from negative emotions, and loss of remembering dreams.  I am in a place of peace and contentment.  With this peace has come silence.  I no longer have anything to say.  I never thought of my words being important in the past, yet I always had something to say.  Hoping someone would hear me,  notice me.  Not anymore, I like being invisible now.  I'm keeping the weight I lost off, because I am no longer emotionally eating.  I enjoy alone time more than having company.  It seems this short wall I have up may be blocking some emotions/feelings I think I should have: Desire, motivation, passion, and love.  My love for things has dwindled to semi-likes and the love for people is gone.  Of course I love my kids and I love myself.  My desire to be with someone is no where to be seen.  I look at and talk with  people and see nothing appealing about them.   I have been forcing myself to get out there and socialize.  I am failing horribly, or am I...  I enjoy talking to strangers or going on dates, but after an hour, I cant wait to get away.  I'm okay with meeting up with friends, but not for too long.  I just want to quietly enjoy the world behind a book or drink, alone.  I have no interest in doing creative things of any kind.  Exercising has become dull.  Even blogging has lost its luster.  In a way, I have become numb; I just don't care anymore.  I need simplicity and nothing more.

Who knew mindful happiness would do this to me..   Oh well, I'm happy and don't want to change it.

Think Happy, Be Happy :)

Happy August!

I can't believe how fast this year has gone by and I'm sure I say that every year.  July came and went quickly, I didn't get as much organizing as I would have liked done. I did get the important stuff done though.  I organized my room and made a little meditation spot. I cleaned out my closets again and got rid of a few things.  I went out and did things alone.  I did a dating myself type thing. It was boring. I need someone to talk to, but I will learn to like being alone more. I know I will.



August is all about choices... Better Choices!!

For my Mindful Happiness Project, August will be Making Healthier Choices & starting my Financial Stability goal.  The only financial part I am starting is the non-consumerism, I will do this by using the reduce, reuse, recycle system. Using up what I have and only buying what is necessary.  This month, school supplies, clothes, and school registration are the necessities.  Recently, our toaster oven died. RIP Toasty... My kids really want me to get another one, but it will have to wait.  My kids will just have to learn to use a real oven. Though we do not have a toaster and now the waffles in the freezer will have to be tossed. Oh well.  I have books I will sell or donate, fabric that I either need to make into something or give to someone who can.  I have computer parts and what not that need to be rid of.  I was going to purchase 2 garbage bins for recycling, but I have decided to give up soda as part of my Healthy choices. I don't think I need the bins anymore.  Boom! Saving money already.

Healthier Choices are so much harder. I enjoy food so much. I'm addicted to soda, okay more like addicted to sugar and caffeine.  Both are unhealthy, I know.  So I am really trying this time.  I made tea this morning, filled my Brita pitcher, and made juice.  My plan when it comes to food is to finish off whatever is in the house, and when I shop I will make better and healthier choices.  I still have chips and popsicles in the house.  I'll be having chips with my tuna salad sandwich in a second.  I think as long as I eat within proper portions I should be okay.  We have a lot of canned fruits and boxed meals because I was trying to get the kids to cook more.  It didn't work. This time I will try a more fresh approach.  More salads, crock pot cooking and fresh fruits and veggies.  I'm also looking into a more sugar free lifestyle. I know I can't completely remove it, but if I can reduce it, I will.  Time to do some research and find recipes that will taste delicious but sugar free.

Accumulative goals for the month. 

Another healthy choice I am making is Fitness.  I made up a 90 day challenge for me to do.  I compiled a variety of fitness challenges and accounts, put them into a calendar for myself to work out to.  I have Daily, weekly and monthly goals. I didn't add arm exercises to the list on the left and a friend pointed it out.  Oopsy, I do have a plan for my arms and other body parts, I swear.  I broke the 90 day challenge down into 3 months to keep myself motivated and focused.  As time goes on, each month will become more intense, adding weights, time and exercises.  I will share more about this once I have everything set up.

Well I guess that is all for now.  Have a Happy August

Which Path Shall I Take

I started my Mindful Happiness journey on my birthday. Organization is the goal for now. As I try to work on what is most important, my home, I keep feeling guilt and suffocation. Why am I so sentimental? At the same time, how can I be so cold about other things in my life? Weird...

As I go through belongings, memories, and crap I started thinking. What path in life do I want or need to take? I sat down, okay more like layed in bed, and tried to figure out which direction I want to go. The answer is: I have no idea.

What a surprise, right?

Path A: Stay the course I am on, with some positive change. A safe but predictable path.

Path B: The Straight & Narrow.  Safe and boring, but will be good for me.

Path C: The Unknown. I know how to begin, but no idea how it will end. Pretty damn scary.

There are parts of me that would like to go one of these ways. The question is, which one is the right one, right now?

Maybe I need to go to church and pray on it.

Whoa There

I've been meaning to post, but it seems things are getting busy and I can't complete the post I want.

I am trying to be more consistent with posts again, hopefully after this week. I can focus on blogging and working on some projects.  This week is crazy busy at work and home.  I have an inspection on Thursday (we have them once a year),  because I live in low income housing.  Big sale at work is coming, so lots and lots of price changes and new items.

Well that's it for now, Just wanted to let you know I will be back with more interesting things to say later.

bye for now

Stress Less is the Plan

Last night I had such difficulty sleeping.  Chest pressure, intestinal pain, and vomiting.  I was more than worried about my health today.  I went to the ER.  I was admitted and stayed for a few hours.  EKG, X-Rays, blood tests, and monitors the whole time I was there.  While I lay there waiting and hoping the results were good. I heard the doctor tell the lady next to me she would have to stay for a while because they thought she may have had a heart attack.  Of course I start to stress more than I already am.  Fortunately for me, they found nothing, but I was told at my age and with the medication I am on, I am at risk for blood clots and they wanted to do a CT scan.  Cancer runs in my family and I have awful luck.  CT scans cause cancer, I think the doctor said 1 in 1000 get cancer from a CT scan.  So I declined.  I would rather drop dead from a stroke or heart attack than get cancer and die a slow horrible death.  I was officially diagnosed with an ulcer and GERD,  due to stress.  They were not sure where the chest pain and pressure was from, nor the weird tingling sensation I was getting in my arms.  Oh well.  As I sit here, I feel like death.  The doctor suggested taking today and tomorrow off work, but I declined for tomorrow.  I had already missed work due to being in the ER for today.  So, now I'm off to bed in hopes of sleeping and forcing myself to get up at 3:30 am.  YAY!

Good night and sleep well world.

Sunday funday

Today was an unexpected adventure out of the house. I had planned on going to purchase 1 item,  but actually came home with new running shoes, accessories for Pride, and I treated myself to Tpgos & a movie.

Jurassic World was amazing as I expected it would be.  Good storyline, decent charactors, beautiful dinosaurs. I love dinos by the way.  I am Team Raptor for sure when it comes to the Jurassic movies. The only issue I had was the people behind me laughed loudly and talked through the movie. Also the two ladies next to me brought their toddlers who cried and talked through the whole movie. Grrr, personally I feel children don't belong in most movie theater showings.  There are ratings for a reason. So my movie experience was semi-ruined by stupid people.

I got some new shoes I will be using to walk and jog the trails. I start tomorrow.  I bought a boa, beads, and leis for pride. I also bought a spool of colored mesh to sew onto my white pettycoat for Sam to wear to pride.  We can't wait to go.

Now onto a more personal note.  Something is bugging me.  I am hoping it's just my mind over thinking.  I have this awful feeling something is wrong.  I can't figure it out, and it needs to go away.  This is making not trust people and be on constant alert .  If I knew who the vibe was coming from, I could attempt to confront the issue.  I have no clue who or what it is.  Frustrating to say the least.  If you know me and keeping secrets or know something I should. Please tell me. Whatever this is needs to go away.

I guess that is it for now.  Keep moving forward.

New Books for the Journey

Hello hello.  I bought new books this week.  I am hoping to use them during my Mindful Happiness Journey.  

ME: Five Years From Now is a life-planning journal. This book breaks your life down into 5 parts: Health, Relationships, Home & Community, Work & School, and Building on your Experience.  It also gives a list of questions and space to write for each section. Being able to write within the book will be fabulous. It also shares a lot of inspirational quotes. I will share as well as I go through the book. 

Building the Best You is also a self help journal. This is a 2 year journal with both years sections side by side.  It looks to be a reflection journal.  Asking daily questions such as: What did I feel today, What am I grateful for today, and what challenged me today.  There are also 8 sections of questions that are like a reality check of the big picture.  It will be interesting to see what changes have come through my life as I start year two of the book.  I can't wait to get through year one. 

I truly enjoy self help books and journals that give you a chance to reflect and look back at your mind set in the past and see how far you have come.  It's also helpful to see what set backs you may have had and what you did to move forward from them.  Sometimes we will forget how we handled a difficult situation as time goes on.  Being able to look back and see what you did, who was kind enough to help will give you better perspective for future problems.  It will also remind you that you can do it, you can get through anything. 

At the moment I am reading through each book to see if there is anything I feel I need to work on.  So a lot of note taking and preparing for my mindful happiness journey.   Wish me luck. 

A New Direction

In need of a new direction and I think I found it.  Okay, maybe not new, but it feels that way.  I have been stuck, in life, in love, trapped within myself.  I have been trying to find myself all over again, but there is this road block in my mind, my soul has drifted off into space, and I think I left my heart somewhere in the past.  I am LOST!  Mentally, physically, and spiritually.  I'm a mess.  My house is a mess.  My job is a mess, well not really, but somedays it seems that way.

I think part of the problem is that I have not been able to manage my time since I started this new job.  It's exhausting and once home all I want to do is sleep.  I barely eat and lost weight, I sleep but not well, and I've become asocial.  My job demands a lot from me and I am still learning how to work smarter, not harder.  Limited training has made me think on the spot and do a lot of trial and error.  I'm getting the hang of it and moving faster, but today took a toll on me.  It took every ounce of strength I had not to cry at work. It was just an awful day.  No one to blame but myself and I am hard on myself.  I have high expectations for myself, so I let myself down more than I should.  It's something I need to work on.

I recently purchased The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  I have been wanting to read it for a while now and it was my gift to myself with my first paycheck from this new job.  I would like to start my own Happiness Project which I call Mindful Happiness.  I want to focus more on the little things, the moment, right now.  I am a planner, list maker, big picture thinker by nature.  Clearly being that way has not been working.  So it's time for a new approach.  It's also time for me to stop making excuses and procrastinating on finding my own happiness.

I started to compile a list of ideas that may work for my Mindful Happiness.  Though they may change as time passes.  So far this is what I have and I am hoping to think of more.

1. Be alone
2. Live in silence
3. Face my fears
4. Slow down
5. Organization
6. Give back
7. Disconnect
8. Set Boundaries
9. Mindful Mediation
10. Love Myself
11. Find my spiritual path
12. Reconnect with people/ make new friends
13. work smarter, not harder
14. Make healthier choices
15. Financial stability

If you notice, there is a theme.  I didn't realize it until I wrote the list.  Obviously I'm trying to tell myself I need to reconnect with myself, then I can reconnect with others.  When I was writing my list I looked up some words and phrases.  Somehow the word Discontent popped up in my search.  I wasn't looking for it, but it found me.  I think it's the right description for how I feel in my life right now.  

Discontent:  Dissatisfaction with ones circumstances. 

I am unhappy with the way things are right now and only I can change it.  So I am challenging myself to stop the procrastination and get my crap together.  Again.  I swear I go through this every year. This time, something is different,  this time it must be done.  I was comfortable before, content with the mundane life I had.  Even though I would complain from time to time, I was okay with how things were.  Not anymore.  

Time to do some research and see what else I can do to improve my Mindful Happiness.  I think I will start on my birthday, so I have a few weeks to work on setting up a plan and ideas to stay focused.  

Good News

    My county temp job ended mid February and I started to get seriously stressed when I wasn't getting interviews as quickly as I hoped.  March was drifting by and money was becoming non-existent.  We were struggling but still in the safe zone.  I decided to apply for assistance (welfare) but was denied.  The last week of March I applied for a new grocery store opening near my house. The open hire went well.  Old fashioned applications, two interviews and drug screening.  Interviews went great, I did more casual talk about the demographics of my neighborhood and how important it was for this store to open in such an area.  I also discussed dollar store produce, haha.  That was a Tuesday morning, I was told I would get a call by Friday for orientation if I passed the background and drug test.
   Friday came and went, I became super stressed. Questioning what could have gone wrong.  I've never been arrested and don't do drugs, so what could it be? Stressed and bummed, I continue to look for work. It is now April and I'm really low on cash.  I paid the bills that I could and made sure to get some food in the house.  On my way home from the store the following Monday I get the call about orientation, YAY!   I'm digging in my purse for a pen and paper (the receipt had to do) to write all the information down.  Orientation was that Wednesday and I needed work clothes.  I called my mother frantic to borrow the money for a single work outfit.  My parents wired me the money that same day.  The work clothes didn't cost as much as I thought they would.
   Orientation was an all day gig and gave me the chance to meet some interesting people I will be working with.  I had applied for the Service Clerk position as I have not worked in a grocery store.  I figured I would find my place within a few months and move into the department I liked the most.  Not a chance.  I showed up to orientation 30 minutes early and offered to help (only one), and I cleaned up before the trainer was done with giving my coworkers their training schedules.  Everyone was in a hurry to get out of there, I don't know why.  I stayed longer than I need to just so I could get as much information as possible.  When it was my turn to get my schedule for any training I may need, I was asked why I was a Service Clerk and that might be changed to Cashier because it would be a better fit.  I was given training days and told that would get a call about my status.  It took a week before I knew that I was moved to the Cashier position.
   I trained in Oakland for 3 days. The commute to Oakland was okay, I walked to the store and back to BART instead of taking the bus 511.org suggested.  Going home was brutal, riding BART after 3 is torture.  My feet were killing me and one of the days it was humid and smelly from all the sweaty people. Bleh.  Yeah okay, you all know this, but goodness I almost forgot how gross that is.
On my last day training I passed my Cashier training test and was asking of I would consider adding another position to my belt.  Of course I said yes and I got the official call this weekend.  Instead starting next week I start tomorrow.  Woohoo, I'm excited.  More training but it also counts as work and I get paid.  I can't wait.
   I was so stressed a month ago and then things just started moving so fast.  I feel blessed and grateful for this job.  Sometimes it is hard to have faith and doubt sets in.  But, I never gave up and I've always had faith.  Things are still tough, but they will get better.

One of Those Days

Though my day started out like every day since my job ended, it became a day of stress.  Almost every day is highly stressful but I work through it the best I can. Sometimes all I can do is laugh.

Today was not a laughing day. It's one of those days where you need a hug, but no one is around. A kind of day when you need a friend, but you don't have one. It's one of those days when you go to bed early because you just want the day to be over, you just want to sleep your life away. Today is one of those days when you just cry, because there is nothing else you can do.

No Food

I had to get a molar extracted this past Monday. It wouldn't stop hurting and the roof of my mouth was rough. By Thursday night the roof of my mouth became swollen and the entire left side of my mouth, including my jaw was hurting.  I was having difficulty eating and drinking, so I decided to call the dentist. I was able to get in Friday morning to find out what I already knew. My mouth was infected.  Turns out, the oral surgeon dried out my mouth too much and irritated my gums when he broke my tooth to remove it.  Now I'm on antibiotics and was told I could eat soft foods.  Am I eating? No.  I still can't eat. My mouth is extremely sensitive to textures.  The only things I have been able to chew and swallow were a few string cheeses. I couldn't even eat a warm brownie. I can drink milk, warm tea, and room temp water.  I feel like I'm starving; I really want a fat burger or sandwich with fries.  Good thing about not eating this past week, I have lost 6 pounds. Maybe I should starve myself more often.  Just kidding, I love food too much for that.  But I wish I had a nice smoothie or milkshake right now.  Not sure how that would go with my sensitivity to textures at the moment.

I Don't Want To

I don't want to write anymore.  I know my melancholic attitude is annoying.  I don't want to tell you my story, my opinions, anything.  There really is nothing to tell.  There never was.  I'm tired, I just want to sleep.  To disappear.

My Random Opinion

This was supposed to be about what I am looking for in a relationship, sorta.  Somehow it turned into what I think about all the quotes online about relationships.  This is what happens when I go looking for a picture or quote for the blog.  I get sidetracked and sometimes frustrated.  Most of the darn quotes are made by teenagers who don't know anything about love yet and the rest are from books or movies that are just B.S. stories.  GGrrrr maybe I'm just jaded. 

NOTE: This is just my personal opinion on the quotes I found while surfing the web.  So calm yourself.

- "Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely."
I agree you shouldn't be with someone just because you are lonely.  Though, I believe we cannot help who we fall in love with, only that we can decide whether or not to act on it.  Maybe that is what the quote means, but I'm not sure. 

- "If the relationship doesn't make you a better person, then you are with the wrong one." 
Horribly written. The only person who can make you better, is YOU.  Your partner can encourage and help, but they cannot make you a better person.  If your relationship hinders your ability to better yourself, then you are in the wrong relationship.  

- "FACT: When a guy wants you to meet his parents, you're into a Lifetime Relationship."
This is B.S. Sorry teen girl who wrote this. It may have been true in the 50s.  This is not 100% true, not even 50% true today.  I've met the parents and you know what I got from it? Nothing really,  maybe some new friends, but it didn't mean I was special.  

- "You really love her, don't you? A simple psychological question, no name was mentioned but suddenly someone came into your mind."
There is also one that says him.  When I read it, a certain someone did come to mind.  I am surprised as I did not think I felt that way about this specific person.  
Did you think of someone? Are you surprised? Will you act on it, if you haven't done so yet?  

- "One of the hardest things in life is watching the one you love, love someone else."
I can understand this one, but I disagree.  For me personally, The person that I loves happiness is important to me.  Happy in life, self, and love.  I would rather the person I love be happy alone or with someone else, than be miserable with me.  

I think I'm done, maybe I'll do another at a later time. My head hurts from all these crazy quotes.  

March Goals.

First off, I have awful hand writing. I think i need to add practice penmanship.

I have decided what my March Goals will be.  I failed February as I did not blog every single day.  I missed about 3 or so days of water and exercise.  I guess I did okay for February.  March will be hard.  I can be a social person online and I have a hard time keeping my mouth closed.  The purpose of this goal is to learn to just be in the moment.  To not look at my phone when I am bored.  To learn how to be less open to the world, and keep many things to myself.  I've been doing okay with the keeping certain things to myself.  I need to improve on it.  I will continue with Februarys goals as well except I will reduce my water to 80 oz.





- Be Mindful of your words.  I need to practice this, I have a habit of saying things I regret, I don't analyze what I want to say before I say it.  I need to slow down and think.   I have a list of words and phrases I would like to remove from my vocabulary.  Now I need to think of some fabulous words to add.

- Less Social Media, 3 days a week at most or an hour a day (posting blogs on sites). Blogging doesn't count and I can blog as much as I like.  Like I said above, I want to stop going to Social Media every time I'm bored.  In my last post about the dreams I've been having, I removed myself from Social Media completely.  I will not be doing so at this time.  I will reduce my time and decide which accounts should be deleted and which will be useful to keep.

- Giving up and letting go.  This is just my way of saying the time of purging is now and must be complete by the end of March.  When it comes to people.  I just wish the ones who stick around because they are bored, or because they feel sorry for me would just go away.  There are so many people that keep me around for no reason.  They aren't really my friends, I'm just a part of their collection.   Then there are the few that have me around "just in case"...  I was once a person who did that to someone else.  It's awful.  Don't do it.  Please don't make me the back burner friend.  I do not know if anyone is doing that, but I hope if there is someone, they will be kind enough to tell me the truth.  

Do I Follow the Signs?

I have had a dream three times in the last week.  The first dream woke me up and frightened me.  In the end, I was alone, though content and happy enough, I was very lonely.  The loneliness was my only struggle throughout the dream.  It wasn't all the time, just at key moments of my life in the dream.  I seemed happy, I really did.  Maybe I was just feeling sorry my dream self and didn't like the idea of always being alone in the future.  There was no one in the dream that was friend or family.  There were strangers, colleges, and such.  Just no one close to me in any way.  What does that mean?  How do I proceed with that?  Do I remove everyone from my life or is this what will happen if I don't change?

Usually if I have a dream more than once some or all of it comes true in some way.  Two small parts have already happened in real life, I'm now waiting for the second half of one of these scenes to play out.  There are parts of the dream that came to me so vivid and strong.  Almost as if I HAVE to do what my dream was telling me.  The only difference in the dreams is when these things start to happen.  One dream started today, when something changed in my life.  In the dream I deleted all Social Media, including my blog.  I remove myself from the digital world.  I have been contemplating this drastic decision all week.  The dream had me pretty much remove myself from the world.  I went to work and I came home.  I did nothing else.  I became silent, distant, emotionless, and a workaholic.  No time for anyone or anything.  I no longer saw the world, as if I was walking through a frosted glass tunnel.  I can hear it all but everything around me was blurry.   It seems in the dream I was invisible.  Maybe I was dead in the dream.  No, that can't be right.  There were parts of the dream that death would not fit.

I won't lie or hide the fact that though this dream sounds lonely and depressing, I am okay with it becoming a reality.  The thing about these dreams is that a part of me somewhat feels the way I did in the dream.  Does this mean the rest of me will finally go along with it?   I truly wish I was silent and emotionless.  I have far to much emotion for one person to handle and I say too much.

I have been writing all this crazy lists and trying to figure out how I want things to be for myself.  Maybe that is why I keep having these dreams.  My silly ideas are forming into what might happen.  There are certain things, many things I want to change about myself and I believe they are manifesting in these dreams to show my either how to go about getting where I want to be or a warning of what will happen if i do follow through.  The question is Do I follow the signs?

Tuesday Is Completed

Today was busy but not really.  kids went to the dentist, I did what I needed and laundry.  Oh, laundry, the never ending struggle.   Good thing I like doing laundry.  It's dishes I hate doing.

Tomorrow is the Career Fair. I feel pretty confident and prepared.  Though this morning was not the case, I was a mess.  I needed to print out résumés to take with mme and I had started to edit one I had and prepare a new and improved résumé.  My laptop decided it didn't want to participate.  Word kept freezing and my internet was refusing to stay connected.  It was frustrating but I did my best to stay calm and positive.  I shut everything down, made breakfast, and showered before logging on again.  I was seriously praying I could at least email a friend a copy of my basic, boring, generic résumé that is more of a template for the old style résumés.  My prayers were blessed with the email going through. YES!  I was excited and relieved.  I thought I would have to fight for a computer at the public library just so I could print.  Thank goodness for prayer and friends.  I owe my friend a dinner date. He saved me today; Thank you sir.

Now it's time for some rest.

Manic Monday

Happy Manic Monday

I hope your Monday was Marvelous.  Mine started out energetic, positive, and bright.  I had an appointment for an onsite recruitment for a small local staffing agency.  Unfortunately it wasn't right for me.  I decided to see what else was out in the world of employment only to feel a bit discouraged by the lack of possibilities.  Maybe the career center I was visiting had not updated for the week.  I did find two positions to apply for so it wasn't a complete loss.

I applied for the two positions when I got home.  I forgot how long it takes to apply for jobs online.  Retail jobs make you take those crazy long personality quizzes to see if you're a good fit for the company.  The same set of questions asked in different ways, how fun.  I do have a Career Fair in Concord on Wednesday. YAY!  When I picked up the flyer today I saw a list of companies that will be there.  NICE! So of course I googled ALL of them.  Out of the 39 listed less than half are an option for me.  That sounds okay, even with 6 being Staffing Agencies, 1 is the agency I wanted to make an appointment with.  If anything I may learn something new and maybe make some good business contacts.  You never know these days.

After applying for the two positions and while doing some company researching, I spoke to my mother on the phone for over an hour.  We talked about everything; my grandma, cousins, sisters, my fathers job, their house, plans for their trips to Nebraska and California, what I'm doing now, talked about two friends of mine, my kids and the measles outbreak.  Yeah, we talked a lot.

The rest of the day was working on some chores and I started on my resume updating.  I need to finish that by 11 a.m. Tuesday because I have a Fair Housing workshop I'm going to at 1 p.m.  Then I need to  go to the Antioch Library to print a bunch of stuff since my printer is out of ink.  I'm too cheap to buy new ink at the moment.  Every penny counts, especially when the dentist called to tell me I have an appointment next week and my payment will be $76.00.  UGH! I don't have money to spend on things other than bills right now.  I do need the dental work done though.  I'm trying to stay positive and keep good energy flowing..

Positive things happen to positive people. THINK POSITIVE!

It's a Melancholy Sunday

I've been having an emotionally rough few days.  Yeah, okay, when am I not, right?  I've been planning, preparing, and hoping things go well next week.  My temporary position is done and now I am back out into the world looking for something new.  I'm excited and terrified at the same time.  February 18th was my last day. I took BART to Fremont then bussed to San Jose to visit with my grandmother.  I didn't blog while I was there because I didn't want to use my data.  Once I got home I worked on behind the scenes stuff instead writing an entry.

I had a nice visit with my grandmother. I helped her with some chores and we had a heart to heart.  I got to visit with my uncles who come over a few times a week.  I plan to go back if I don't have anything solid for work in the next couple weeks.

I have a list of things I want to accomplish at home before I start working again.  Such as cleaning the house from top to bottom. Finishing my purging without interruptions.  I edited my list today and broke it all down by room and even broke it down some more.  This is my crazy way of making sure I don't miss anything.  Once the list was done I needed to make a trip to the store to pick up a few things.  I heard Stomp by Kirk Franklin playing in a woman's car as she passed by.  That was all it took for me.  I got home and HAD to listen to Gospel.  There is something emotionally powerful about Gospel and I needed to hear it. It helped boost my mood, but as the day went on my music choices kept changing.  Pandora must have thought I lost my mind with my hourly change of genres.  I couldn't find anything I liked, nothing that resonated with my emotions.

At some point in the day, due to something said, a realization about a few friends hit me.  They aren't really my friends and I started thinking about the few times we've hung out and how things didn't seem right.  So of course I ask one of them and it was made clear that I was the "friend" people go to when boredom strikes and/or no one else is available because they felt sorry for me.  Well then, good-bye to you and the rest. There is more to this story but that is not important.  I'm not mad, just wish I would have noticed.  It's obvious I need to be more careful about who I allow in my real life.  I have a bad habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt and looking for the good in all.  I wish I wasn't like that.  I'm second guessing all my friendships at the moment.I know I shouldn't but I start over thinking.
This is when the Kelly Clarkson & Jason Mraz playlists on my Itunes became my choice for the rest of the day.  Their music can be melancholy and uplifting all in one for me.  I probably should change the music to something more fun or calming.

The fairweather friend removal has given me in a stronger purging mood.  Now I want to purge more than my home.  I've been saying I wanted to update my social networking and do some digital cleaning. Maybe it's time to remove people in real life too; I'll add those to my list.  The house first though. Home and personal care always comes first. Because I can ignore the internet and people, but I can't ignore my home, kids, or myself.  I sometime wish I was more like a friend (?) who can easily have zero attachment to things and people. No care in the world except for self, family, and close friends.  I would like to be less sentimental, attached and overly caring.  I'm working on it and slowly getting to a comfortable place of un-attachment to all things.  Someday I will have my shit together, I hope.

I'm not really melancholy anymore.  I feel much better, I guess I needed to vent.  Thanks for reading.  I am tired, so off to bed I go.

Good Night 

A Busy Weekend

I had a nice busy weekend. Busy enough for me to forget to blog.  Saturday I went to A Cut Above in Antioch and had my hair cut a little short. At first I was going in for a trim, but when I woke up Saturday I had a strong desire to try something different.  I have never had my hair straightened in order to cut it before. That was a new experience.  I like the new look and there are plenty of fun options with the new do.

I'm not a fan of the straight hair

I prefer this curly look

My friend JW came over as he accepted my offer to treat him to Tacos and Beer, and maybe a movie. We had beer and appetizers while trying to figure out what the next step was before the movie. It was still early, so we headed out to Martinez for a stroll down by the water.  As we stood on the dock someone was lighting heart shaped paper lanterns and sending them off over the water. It was cute to watch them. We decided to skip the movie as the day went on. The only option really was seventh son, which I want to see, but it got horrible reviews. I'll wait for it to come out on Netflix. By the time we were done walking we were ready for tacos. That's all we'd been thinking about. JW suggested a little restaurant he'd been to once before.  I'm always interested in trying new places.  The restaurant is La Primavera on Pine Street in Martinez and it was superb. A beautiful mural covers the whole place, I wish I would have taken a picture of some of the lovely art work. The customer service is on point, the employees work their asses off. We both ordered the Taco Dinner and as we waited I started second guessing my choice. We sat at the bar and had front seat view of every dish being made, it all looked fantastic. We got our tacos and devoured our food. It was delicious! I have to go back soon.  After tacos we picked up some ice cream, cookies, and brownies to snack on while watching Netflix. 

Taco dinner plate from La Primavera

Sunday JW and I went on a nice hike at Mt Wanda in Martinez. It was a steady up hill struggle.  I am out of shape and need to start walking and hiking more.  Maybe it's time for the weekly hikes again. While we were hiking, there was a man running/jogging up and down the trails. Talk about feeling like a fat ass while watching this guy, and of course I start thinking about food.  The view was lovely and the workout was a much needed ass kicking. 

We head to Concord and stop in The Hop Grenade Taproom & Bottle Shop ... I don't have a picture of the bread because I was too busy enjoying it.  It was the end of SF Beer Week so plenty of people coming in to enjoy the beer and appetizers.

Firestone Walker & Heretic Evil Twin

 It was fun to people watch while there. I overheard people talking about the app Untappd. My friend V had mentioned it before, but I never really checked it out. So I did what all normal people these days do. I downloaded the app, checked in and added my beer. While looking through options on the app we saw a beer that was near by at Slow Hand BBQ. So, guess where we went next? Slow Hand BBQ has some great food; It hit the spot for sure.  It's a hidden little spot in with some offices and a little shop. I forgot what JW got, which was going to be my choice until he suggested the Blind Pig for me.  It was good but I had a hard time finishing it. I should have gotten a soda. The day ended with some shopping for video games and hats.  Then a nice long nap, so long I didn't get up till after 6 this morning. Good thing I had the day off.

Brisket, Hot Link, and Coleslaw

Add caption

It was a nice long weekend. Well worth all the yumminess. Thank you JW for being my food adventurist partner this weekend. 

Truth is, I'm Not Ready

I used to ask myself this often. When I was young, the idea of being single seemed like a curse. Only spinsters and ugly women were single. If you're single there must be something wrong with you, right?  I was quick to hop into a relationship even if there were red flags. Being that I was a teen mother put more pressure on me to find a forever someone.  I dated, I had short and long term relationships, I even attempted to actively  search for "The One" and I failed...

 Or did I? 

At this lovely age of 37 and being single for 4 years now, I believe I did not fail. Those past experiences were to prepare me for the present and the future.  They were lessons I needed to learn. Such as learning to love myself so I can love another, to know my personal limits and set boundaries, to enjoy being alone and to not depend on another for happiness. There were experiences to explore, finding out what I liked and didn't, to learn to communicate better, and to understand that a romantically committed relationship is not black and white nor 50/50.  

So, to answer the question, Why am I single? 

I'm Not Ready

It's really that simple.  People do not understand or choose to ignore the concept of not being ready for a romantically committed relationship.  I can't even count all the times I get silly questions when I answered with I'm not ready. It has become habit to lie, and I don't like it.  I say I am not interested in one or that I am in one.  Clearly I am not in a relationship; I do want a relationship, someday, just not today.  Why do I lie? People are opinionated jerks, that's why. Let me give you a better idea of what I deal with when it comes to this question and my answers. 

Answer 1: I'm not ready.

People say:

1. Why? What's wrong with you? 
2. No ones ever ready, you just try to make things work.
3. So, that doesn't mean you/we shouldn't try.
4. Oh, so you're picky/lesbian/frigid/damaged/Pick any other insult

Answer 2: I'm not interested in a relationship

People say:

1. Cool, so you can be my booty call/ friend with benefits/ side chick, etc
2. Number 1 and 4 from above
3. What a**hole made you the B*tch you are now? 
4. When will you be interested? 

This is where I give a lot of sighs, eye rolls, and maybe a few rude comments back.  I'm sure there are plenty of people who can relate.  The worst is when I say I AM in a relationship and guys have the nerve to say, So what's that got to do with me?  When did people get so disrespectful?  When did we decide that relationships were no longer sacred and important? Now there are some exceptions such as being in an open, poly, or similar relationship.  The statement above is not the exception, it's just plain rude. 

Why am I not ready? 

I mentioned above that there were lessons and experiences I needed to learn from past relationships. One I am still working on is boundaries.  I don't really have any.  Most of you know this by my ability to discuss anything at anytime with anyone. Another issue is my alone time, though I have learned to no longer need another to get my happy refill, I have a hard time being alone for long periods of time. This is something I feel needs meditation and a deep internal view at why I don't like being alone for too long.  Geez I sound like a puppy with separation anxiety. I believe my anxiety about being alone has to do with my constant chaotic mind.  I have yet to slow down and calm my thoughts.  This causes me to become sometimes (un)knowingly passive-aggressive, because I say exactly what I'm thinking before I can think it through.  Even when I know my thoughts are irrational.  It makes me a jerk which hurts not only my friends or partner, but myself as well.  There is more for me to learn about myself and how I conduct myself in a relationship.

  

The 5 reasons I feel I am not ready:

1. I want to be more financially stable
2. I want to be able to calm my mind & express my feelings constructively
3. I want to be comfortable alone & face my fear of loneliness
4. To better understand what it is I need & want in relationship
5. Learn to make boundaries and enforce them

Have I met anyone that's a possibility?

Yes, I have met a few in my lifetime. I/They was/were not ready, they/I already had someone, or the time has passed.  Right person, wrong time.  I'm over it and moved on. The funny thing is I no longer look at people as a potential.  I think when the time comes, I'll have no clue. They may just pass me by and I'll miss out on a great relationship. Though I won't know it since it didn't happen. haha

Let's go back to when I said relationships are not black and white nor 50/50.  Let me explain, I believe you give 100% of yourself in all that you do.  If the person I am with can't or won't give 100% back, then they are not right for me.  If the person I am with refuses to communicate and discuss ways to possibly compromise, then I don't want them as a partner. It is important for me to have  communication, honesty, and openness in all relationships.

Now with all that being said hopefully you understand why I am single.  Too bad the people who ask all the time won't be reading this anytime soon. 

  

Throwing Thursday Back

Tonight will just be a Throw back Thursday. Why? Because I said so, that's why!

In random order

1978 Family photo. 

2004 Family photo

My parents gettin' down at Michael's wedding 2012

Oreo wrapping his feet around OJs head 2008

Me and Jen 2012

158 Labels

These are all the Labels (tags/categories/topics) I have for this Blog. Soon I hope to have it at the very least half this size. I want to pick no more than 60 (hopefully less) to be my main categories for finding content on this Blog.  It looks like a pain in the butt. Oh well, it will be done. Maybe my weekend project. 


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