Under The Weather, But I Love The Rain.

I haven't been feeling well the last day or so.  I don't know what it is, but it's not a cold or flu.  My body aches, slight nausea, and dizzy spells.  It comes and goes and makes me tired.  Maybe it's stress, maybe it's the rainy day blues, I really don't know.  I just don't like it.  I love the rain, so I don't want to believe the weather is affecting me in anyway.

So I tried to lift my mood by watching some movies, ordering in Pizza Guys, and enjoying the day as much as I could.  I watched a classic favorite.  Not all would watch this movie, but I enjoy it very much.  But I'm A Cheerleader!  is a great movie about a girl coming out.  I saw this movie on T.V. years ago and liked it, I don't own it yet, but it was on Netflix. YAY!

I also watched for the first time Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. I have been wanting to see this. I was disappointed that I missed it in the theater.  Great movie and both lead characters are HOT! I'll have to add this movie to my Own It list.  Luckily Netflix had it and I am so grateful for that. 

Lent Days 22-24: I Talk About My Lady Parts

So I made a mistake and no one said anything. My last post was actually day 21. Oh well.

Tuesday was an "Eh whatever" kind of day. Actually I don't remember much of the day really.  What the hell did I do on Tuesday??? UGH, this is why I should blog daily.

Okay so after reading text messages from Tuesday:  I masturbated and I hope I liked it.  I had bacon and eggs for lunch and I also hung out with JW after work.  My day sounds pretty productive.  I mean there was self love, bacon, and an awesome friend involved in my day.  Sounds like a perfect day to me.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Now Wednesday was an adventure.  I had my "lady parts" appointment.  Yeah, I had to go and have a pap smear (that sounds so gross).  I have been having ovarian pain for a little over a month and I have a history of ovarian cysts.  I thought that maybe it was time to requests some testing done to see how those little buggers were doing.  Now I figured since I was there I would get the whole shebang done: pap, STI testing (they are no longer called STDs), blood work for STIs and Hormones, and schedule a sonogram for my ovaries.

I don't know any female who enjoys this kind of appointment.  Even though I take care of myself (the best I can), and get tested regularly, I am always super freaking nervous going into these appointments. I am always afraid they will find something wrong with me.

I left early to go to my appointment because I had never been to the Women's Clinic before.  I didn't even know there was one. I usually go to Planned Parenthood.  I ended up there an hour early and walking around like a lost puppy trying to find the darn office in the building.  Finally i asked someone and guess what?  It was the first door as I walked in the building.. Gah! I walked past it twice, maybe they should put up a sign.  FINALLY I walk in and they lady at registration had a bit of a 'tude. I explained I had never been there before and she became a bit nicer, not much though.  I get called in to be weighed and check my blood pressure. I really dislike doctors scales because I always weigh more there than what my home scale says.

BP: 106/57    Temp: 97.6      Weight: 152 lbs 4.8 oz

My BP is way off than it normally is which scares me, but they said nothing.  Whatever...   I get into the room and the nurse tells me to undress from the waist down and the Doc will be in shortly.  The Doc walked in just as I sat down on the table.  Wow that was fast, most of the time I sit there for 5 to 10 minutes.  It scared me just a little bit.  He was a bit stiff and straight to the point.  He made sure to put in my referral for the sonogram as soon as he sat down at the computer and made sure to add as much medical history as possible. I liked the fact that he was thorough and asked a lot of questions, but I didn't like that he was very impersonal.  He was just there to do his job.  Yes I know he's a gyno and looks at lady parts all day. I don't care, I expect a doctor to make an effort and show some emotion.  I think he has been in the business too long.  When he sat down to do the pap he asked me to pretty much hang my ass off the table.  I'm too old for that, it kills my back.  He inserts the speculum (the clear plastic thing in the pic below) and then says "where's your cervix?"... Uh what?  So yeah, he had to remove the speculum dig into my vag and find my cervix before continuing. Lets just say it hurt, okay.  I may have a tilted uterus which makes my cervix dip downward towards my spine, but it's not fucking lost..

Do I get charged for all the crap they don't use? 

The job was done and I waited for my paperwork to go to lab and Diagnostics to make an appointment for the sonogram.  I got the same guy Samantha did in the lab, he was nice and made small talk.  The diagnostics lab had no available appointments, but were able to get me one at an office off Deer Valley this coming Monday.  Let's hope it's nothing too serious.

Two hours later and still bleeding. :(

~~~~~~~~~~~

Thursday was a bit of a lazy day. I had no motivation what so ever.  I even took a nap in the morning.  I'm disappointed in myself.  I went out for coffee and a chat with a friend before coming home to make dinner early.  The kids decided Subway was going to be dinner and we could have what I made for tomorrow.  WHAT??  I'm not paying for Subway,  so Samantha paid for her and David, and I ate what I made because I didn't want Subway.  Darn kids and their fast food.

Lent Day 20: Stranger Danger

Run away!!!

This morning at about 6:10 am a man knocked on my door.  I was sitting up in bed, trying to get motivated to start my day. Well this knock sure got me going.  At first I thought it was someone at the neighbors door.  Then i heard it again, I walked up to my bedroom window and looked outside.  I didn't see anyone or anything.  A third knock on the door, gets me moving my ass down the stairs and looking through the peephole.  A man in a black oversized hoodie standing right against my security door.  I wait... He knocks again.  I can't see his face or hands.  I have no idea who it may be and I'm starting to get scared. I walk over to get my house phone, and he knocks again, on my window this time.  I froze, listened and heard footsteps.  Panic was starting to get the best of me and I decide to walk back up to the door and look out once more.  he had backed up about half way down my walkway.  I still can't see what he looks like, not even the color of his skin.  Then I hear ...HELP... as he sways and paces on my walkway.  He walks back up towards my door then walks away. I didn't notice he had a bike until he started walking away. As he walked out of sight, I called the Antioch Police Department and reported him as a suspicious persons.  I later reported the incident to my management and was given the phone for the office of our security.  I didn't even think about calling security this morning.

My biggest worry is what if my kids had answered the door instead.  My kids leave before 7 in the morning to go to school.  If this person would have come a little later, the kids would have walked right out to him waiting on our walkway.  The kids and I will be having a conversation about what we should do in these kind of situations.  Also, this makes me think it's time for me to get something to protect myself, family and home.

The rest of the day was pretty relaxed.  I sorted through some old clothes that I was going to use for a quilting project.  I found clothes I've been looking for in a box I thought was full of sewing scraps.  My shower was fixed today, so now I can take a bubble bath and not just showers.  YAY!  I am definitely taking a bubble bath tonight.  Yes I am, because I deserve one.

So, how about a song now... Just because.  311- Amber

Lent: Getting Caught Up On Entries.

March 21, 2014 Friday

I went for a hike with V today. We started at Contra Loma walked through Black Diamond Mines and back to Contra Loma.  It took about three hours.  I felt like my right hip wanted to fall off and my left knee was ghosting.  I was sore for a short while and thought I would be sore Saturday, but I felt pretty good Saturday morning.  I was planning on going out Friday night but plans were foiled by a reluctant friend.  Oh well, I tried.  The hike somehow felt like it took up my whole day.

The Beginning

The hike up was killing my legs, gah

Oh look cows.  Almost done. 

March 22, 2014 Saturday

Not much going on, just did some cleaning and organizing around the house.  Hung out with the kids,  and went for a brief walk to keep me from getting sore.  I didn't really eat much, actually I haven't been eating as much as I should. I am down to 146 pounds.  I did have a couple caffeine free Cokes today.   It's a bit of a regular day.  The stray cat we care for decided he wanted to hang out in the house.  He took a nap on the clothes I was trying to organize.

DJ Meow-Mix sleeping on my mess. 

March 23, 2014 Sunday

Went to breakfast with JW, K & W.   I had a yummy omelette with a hot link in it. I love spicy food, yes I do.  Did some laundry and listened to 90s alternative today; I'm being nostalgic.  I think I drank way too much tea today.  I feel wired and it's 9pm.   I got a little me time in today while the kids were at their grandparents.  YES!

I think I am all caught up on my entries. I am off to bed.

Good Night and Sweet Dreams xoxo

Lent 19 & 20 of March: Food & Open House.

March 19, 2014

Okay, I'm supposed to be fasting.  Only fruit and veggies, right? Well I went for a walk/ hike with a friend and we went to Tailgaters afterward.  So, I had a yummy sandwich, onion rings and Arrogant Bastard again.  Yes Please and Thank You!  What?  oh I'm not supposed to have this because of Lent. YEAH SHUT UP!!!  I do what I want.

Mmmm Delicious!!!

Samantha had a doctors appointment at 6:45pm.  The doctor gave her new asthma medication, allergy meds and a long list for Lab in the morning.  Samantha may have depression and anxiety on top of food allergies.  The doctor has asked samantha to cut her milk intake in half and write in a journal every time she becomes ill or anxious for the next two weeks.  Samantha has another appointment on April 2nd, so we will learn then about the Lab results and if she can get the allergy testing done.

March 20, 2014

Samantha went in to Lab and had 6 vials of blood drawn. They were going to take 9 until the tech saw her walk in the room.  He decided to only take the 6, and good thing he did.  She became ill after the bloodwork.  They will be testing her for Celiac disease, lactose, thyroid and a few other things.

Tonight was open house for Dozier-Libbey Medical High School.  We wanted to see what is in store for samantha next year.  It was a long bus ride there and we didn't know how to get on campus at first.  Once we figured it out, I was super excited because there were lots of cows in the field next to the school.  Samantha kept telling me to calm down.  It was pretty funny.  We didn't stay long and only spoke to a few teachers.  We found out there is a Llama that hangs out with the cows, he is sort of the bodyguard for them.  On our way out, the sky looked awesome, this school has a beautiful view.

ooh pretty

Question: If you could spend one whole year doing anything you wanted, what would you do? 

Answer: I would travel. DUH!  I would love to visit Ireland, Italy, Japan and a variety of US cities.  I would pick 25 places to visit and stay for at least a week at each.  If I had the money of course. HA!

Lent March 17 & 18: Cabbage soup & Illness

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

I did nothing special today.  My kids don't like corned beef so I made cabbage soup instead.  love cabbage soup.  I use the recipe from cabbage-soup-diet.com, This site even has a nice diet plan. It works for me when I want to detox.  I won't eat the potatoes or meat until the last day though.

Samantha has not been feeling well and is home sleeping.  This kid keeps having health issues and I'm running out of options.  She'll be eating the cabbage soup and hoping to feel better. I seriously believe she has food allergies and had requested testing done, but it hasn't happened yet.


March 18, 2014

Happy Birthday to Shelby!
My oldest child is 19 today. YES 19, I can't believe that in two years she will be old enough to drink alcohol and go to bars. AAHHH!!  It is hard to believe and say that I have an adult child.  Ha ha adult child sounds funny to me.  I spoke to her on the phone and we talked about her homework.  She had to write a paper on Shakespeare.  Her father was ordering in and they were just going to hang out at home.  I forgot to ask her about graduation.  Poop!  Yep, she also graduates high school this year.  I'm scared and excited to fly to Baltimore.  I haven't seen Shelby since she moved with her father and I have never been to Baltimore or even Maryland. So this will be interesting.  I miss her.

I went to Tailgaters in Antioch for the first time today.  Had some Arrogant Bastard beer and chicken wings. MMMMM Beer and wings, yes please!  I learned they have Goldfish Derbies.  I think that is so cool; I'll have to go back to try it out sometime.  The bartender Rob is a cool dude.  If you go to Tailgaters in Brentwood or Antioch, sit at the bar and hopefully you'll meet Rob.


Question: In one word, What do you want most from your relationship?

Answer: Communication

Day 11 & 12 of Lent: Santa Cruz & a Birthday.

Saturday March 15, 2014

My sanctuary. 

Headed out to Santa Cruz with JW and the girls. We brought home made sandwiches and snacks for the day.  We visited The Mystery Spot  before going to the beach; I had never been there before.  I love science and the mysteries of the world, but I was not impressed, I don't know why.  The only thing that made it fun was the company I had.  It was nice to see them having a good time and that's what made it worth it.  I was so excited to be at the beach.  We didn't go the the beach at the Boardwalk because it's too crowded.  I dislike large crowds.  We found a nice spot and i actually stripped down to my bikini.  Can you believe it?  I can't, I was self conscious about it.  I still have a lot of insecurities about myself and it's hard for me to run around in very little clothing.  We tanned for a little bit and then went for a little walk down the beach.

You know, I have never been inside a lighthouse.  I need to add it to my Bucket List

We went to the Boardwalk and walked around, did some people watching, and had a deep fried twinkie for the first time.  I thought it was a little too sweet for me, but I would have another.  I got a little turtle made of shells and we named him Cruz.  We only went on one ride, the Sky glider (I think that's what it was called).  I am terrified of heights, but it was still fun, well until it stopped.  I'm such a baby.  JW and I went to the bowling alley near by and grabbed a couple beers before heading back to the Arcade to play a couple games.  Once we all met up again we played mini golf before heading home, and well I suck at mini golf, but I had a lot of fun.

Cruz the Turtle. 

Sunday March 16, 2014

Happy 14th Birthday to my mini me.  We already celebrated her birthday last week and she was supposed to celebrate with her fathers side of the family today.  All she ended up doing was going to lunch with her grandparents.  She will have a party on the 23rd.  She slept most of the day because she wasn't feeling well.  Poor kid.  Nothing much else happened. We watched movies and hung out.  It was a nice relaxing Sunday.  

Looking Fabulous... 

Question by Jo Estes:  If anything, What is the one thing you would do differently and why?  Also, How do past experiences affect the person you are today & the choices you make? 

I wouldn't change a thing in my life. Even the hardest times, the times when i was at my lowest,  I would change nothing. But, IF I had to pick at least one thing, it would be that I continued college when I first attended.  Though if I did, my life would be completely different and I wouldn't be who I am and I wouldn't have the great friends I do today.  The experiences I've had in my life, good and bad, have taught me to love, accept myself and others for who we are, and understand that nothing is forever.  I appreciate what I have, forgive myself and others for our mistakes, and live life as it comes.

  

Lent Day Ten Friday March 14: I'm Excited

Such pretty flowers. Thanks JW

Last night (Thursday), I went out to dinner & a walk with JW and we had a nice time.  We always have a good time, at least I think so.  I might be wrong, who knows.  JW invited me to go to the beach with him and of course I said yes.  The ocean is my sanctuary and my place to reflect, refocus, and gain perspective.   The ocean is the best place to meditate in my opinion.  I am so excited to see the ocean again.

Oh by the way, did I mention how awesome my friend JW is?  He brought me some lovely Daffodils on Wednesday after my meltdown.  I can't tell you how much I appreciate my close friends and all they do.

Question: Where do you go to find peace?

Answer: Nature is the best answer, though it's not really a where.  When I need to find peace, clear my head, or meditate, I go for a walk or I'll bart to San Francisco and enjoy the beach.  Sometimes I will sit and just listen to the world around me.  It calms me and gives me a chance to refocus.

Lent Day Nine, March 13:I need to Relax

Creator & Author Unknown 

After yesterdays cry & whine fest,  and my venting to a friend. I ended up taking a couple Melatonin and crash.  It helped, this morning I felt a bit better and decided to get out and go for a nice walk this morning.  I was originally going to walk up to Black Diamond Mines, but instead I took a path that lead me to Canal Park and I enjoyed some time on the swings.  I went home more relaxed, and I had some time to reflect and write.  I think I need to really find out why my past likes to creep up on me, or more so, why I allow it to.  The above picture states "It's okay to have a meltdown." Well there was a time I had a meltdown almost daily.  I had a hard time controlling my emotions.  I also had a hard time facing my fears and my past.  I had not only unpacked, but I was living in a state of disaster.

Over the last few years I have been working on not allowing my emotions to run my life, but to pay attention and try to understand what and why i felt the way I do.  I have worked hard at not letting my emotions overwhelm me, but as you can see form many of my older entries I am still very much an emotional being.  I still have my meltdowns, just not as often and I can usually pinpoint why I am freaking out.  So today I sit and write what is bothering me and tell myself to find where the past and present are colliding and figure out what i need to do about it.  For the most part, I just need to accept the past as it is- The Past, forgive what was done and myself, and move forward.  It sounds simple enough, but nothing is ever as simple as it seems.  So, it's a work in progress and that's okay.

It was so pretty and meditative walking this trail in the early morning.

First thing I thought when i realized where the trail took me: "oooh swings, YAY!"

Swings can be so therapeutic.  As I sat there swaying back and forth, I closed my eyes and just let my mind drift off.



















Question: Who was there for you when no one else was?

For a long time I had no one.  Then I met Ellen, She was there for me during one of my hardest times, I also have Virginia, Becca, and Michelle.  They all have been there for me when I needed someone the most. Thank you so much for your friendships ladies.  You are much appreciated.

Lent day 8: PMS from HELL

Okay I don't really know what is going on with me.  I have been an emotional mess for days.  This isn't the first time, but the last few months it's been building up within me. Like a battle of demons inside my head and my heart.  I have a challenged past, but who doesn't? Every so often it creeps back up to haunt me. The demons from long ago torment me in my sleep and in my head.  Before I would find ways to suppress them.  I would try to pretend they were not there and hope they go away. Something is different this time and they are stronger than ever.

I have been a whining, crying super brat to my friend JW. This poor guy has been trying to deal with my crap the last few days because no one else is brave enough.  Okay, I didn't cry to anyone else because most of my friends would have ran away.  All I have to say is THANK YOU!  thank you for letting me vent and cry to you. Thank you for putting up with my pmsing girly shit.  You are an amazing friend!

What have I realized from all the venting and kindness from my friend?  Maybe this time, I should figure out why they keep coming back to me.  Maybe it's time to face why these things bother me so much. I need to find a way to accept, understand, and release these demons from my thoughts, heart and soul.  Only then will I be free to move forward and be a better me.

I saw an article that I want to share with you.  One of the topics is about mindful meditation. I have done that before years ago and i think it's time to start again.

8 Ways to Defeat Persistent Unwanted Thoughts


I will be skipping the question tonight. I am emotionaly drained from the day and all my crying (yes I was seriously crying) and venting.

Thank you and good night

Lisa

Day Six and Seven of Lent: Not all that exciting

Day six started a bit slow. I woke up with another headache, putting in me in bed for longer than I wanted.  I was hoping to get up and exercise, but that didn't happen.  I had a nice visit from a friend and I ended up doing some of my workout before bed.  Not much else went on.  It was a good but unproductive day.

Day seven was okay.  I did a little exercising and walked to pick up pizza for dinner.  Not much else today. I've been lazy the last few days because I'm PMSing.

Boring as hell, right?

So here are my questions for the two days....

Day six: What always helps lift you up when you're feeling down?

Music always helps lift my spirits.  Also having someone or some way to vent my frustrations.  I am hoping fitness will become a new way to uplift my mood and I won't need people to help me anymore. I don't really like venting to people like I used to.

Day seven (from a friend): What is more important, taking care of others or yourself first?

My answer is you must take care of yourself before you can take care of others.  You can't take care of another if you cannot take care of yourself.

Alone

I have not felt so alone as I do right now. 
I have something broken deep inside of me.
My heart, mind or soul.
Which I do not know. 
Loneliness please let me be.

-Lisa

Lent day Five: Ready for a Challenge

The day started with a hangover like feeling.  I think the very little sugar I had yesterday may be the cause, or maybe the caffeine from my tea.  I had an awful headache.  I got up to make the girls from Samantha's slumber party pancakes and bacon.  Chocolate chip pancakes were made for the first time. I'm not really a fan of them, but the girls liked them.  I chose a BLT instead.  We watched Nine Dead and I thought it was interesting.  It's like a mystery/psychological thriller type movie.  The girls all left before 2 pm. YAY! I thought they were staying past dinner, because Samantha invited them to stay that long.  Now that the kids are gone I can relax and clean up the house. Ha ha, yup cleaning house was relaxing for the moment.  I need to clear my head and think things through.  I have some things on my mind and in my heart that need to be worked out.  I'll go for a walk after dinner to help.

We made:
Hershey's cookies and cream cookies,
Brownies,
Blueberry cheese cake (also I bought one too),
Home made Oreo McFlurries,
Nachos for dinner
Nuka Cola (Fallout video game drink)
Chocolate chip pancakes with bacon for breakfast.









Tomorrow is the start of my 30 Day Challenges.  I will do Marc and Angels Challenge called 30 Challenges for 30 days of Growth.  I got it as a free download. Yay for free! According to the challenge I have to do these challenges for the full 30 days. A new challenge each day, but I must continue to do each challenge EVERYDAY! So as I add a challenge each day I will still be doing day ones challenge. This will be a challenge for sure and I'm excited.

Also, I will start a variety of fitness challenges that I am going to put together and make my own fitness challenge, sorta. We'll see how it goes.  If you would like to join me in my fitness challenge I will post a separate entry about how I will be challenging myself.

Question of the day: What does every good relationship have?

Communication- an honest, open, and trusting communication.  It's very important that people are not afraid to express their feelings with one another.  Be honest, open, trustworthy, understanding, and thoughtful in all communications in any relationship.

Lent Day Four: Blah.

Okay, I'm not really eating pumpkin anything, though pumpkin pie does sound good.  I had things I shouldn't today, but it was worth it.  Tonight is my daughters 14th birthday sleep over.  I'll post more about her party and what I ate tomorrow after everyone goes home.  I had a good day besides cheating on my Lent.  I knew I would because it was Samantha's party.  I had a healthy breakfast and lunch, fish and veggies.  Dinner was a little more open. haha...

I am now just sitting in my room reading, writing, and researching.  Keeping to myself while Samantha and her friends have a good time.  I'm working on a relationship blog I have been wanting to post. It seems harder than I thought, or maybe I am over thinking it.  Eh, who knows...

Question of the Day: If you could write a note to your younger self, what would you say in only three words?

Answer: Believe in yourself.

Lent Day Three: Not so Fast

It's Friday day three, and I'm supposed to fast all day.  I ended up getting ill and I'm not sure why.  Nausea was something awful today. It was so bad I ended up eating.  Once I ate lunch I felt so much better.  So, I think I will have to change the fasting to fresh fruits and veggies only on Wednesdays and Fridays.  I have never had a problem with fasting before.  I think I need to re-educate myself on fasting.  I prepped my food for the next two days, fish and asparagus, with hard boiled eggs.  I'll make me some iced tea tomorrow for the day.

Not much else to talk about really, Samantha's birthday party is tomorrow evening.   Lord help me with a house full of teenage girls.

Question of the day: What activities help you feel most like yourself?

Writing is definitely one of the activities.  I enjoy writing and expressing myself.  Putting my idiotic randomness onto paper or in a blog entry helps me see myself and focus on what I am feeling or thinking more clearly.  Reading is another,  yeah that might sound funny, but I like to get lost in a world that is not my own.

I've been writing more lately than I have in a long time.

Lent: Day Two - I'm Hungry

I don't think the fasting is going to go well. I was so hungry yesterday.  Today I woke up early and headed to the grocery store to get a few things.   I didn't feel hungry until i was in the store smelling all the random food.  I didn't even make it out of the parking lot before I opened up the bagged salad and started eating.  I won't do that again.  I feel low on energy, but maintaining.  I had a few beers and dinner at Extreme Pizza before heading out to watch a local play.  I don't think I drank enough water today and must remember to drink at least 80 oz a day.

Tomorrow I fast again. We'll see how it goes; If I don't feel well or have a hard time I will change Wednesdays and Fridays fasting to fresh fruits and veggies only.  I can't have my health suffer over Lent or anything else.  

Question of the Day: What do you like most about being alone?

My answer is the option to be in my home privately and enjoy the silence or to be in out in the world and enjoy nature.  Though I live in an apartment and can hear the neighbors most of the time.  I have found ways to enjoy my time alone reading, writing, and even meditating with no interruptions.  If the neighbors are too loud I will put on some music.  Maybe even dance in the nude. Yes I enjoy being in the nude often when I am alone.  Sometimes I can't find alone time in my home, so I will go for a walk and enjoy the solitude of being in the world.  It helps me think, plan, and clear my head when I'm upset or confused.  Sometimes I will hike up into Black Diamond Mines and sit quietly, enjoying nature.  Being alone helps me refocus, regain my inner-self, and relax.

Lent is Here! Day One

It's the first day of Lent, Ash wednesday.  I am fasting today, having only tea and water.  I am starving since I didn't eat dinner last night and had one to many drinks for Fat Tuesday.  That was not a good decision. I am very disappointed in myself at the moment.  I had a great time with a few close friends.  I should have ate more though.  Oh well, lesson learned.

I decided to weigh myself  (150 lbs.) and take pictures to post later. I want to see if there is a difference in my body shape and weight at the end of Lent. Though I am not doing this for weight loss, I would like to keep track.  I said in my last entry that I would be doing a 30 day fitness challenge and a writing challenge as well.  I will write more as I start them on Monday.

I have been working on this entry most of the day and all I can think about is tacos... Yes tacos- Jack in the Box tacos or Taco Bell tacos.  I just want some fast food tacos.

Lets do the Question of the Day shall we...

From www.thoughtquestions.com

What's one bad habit we are all better off without?

My answer is negative self thinking.  We have enough people in society telling us what they think we need or want to be.  Telling us we're not good enough, we will never make it in life, and a million other ugly comments. Many of us don't know how to get past the negative self talk because we were raised in a home with so much negative ideas. I know this all too well, for I was that child.  We break ourselves down with doubt, fear, and self abuse.  We are taught that if we are not perfect in someone else's eyes, then we are worthless.  Somehow our self worth becomes someone else's decision. Our minds become clouded with doubt, jealousy, and hate.  Some people manifest this into negative thoughts and behavior towards others.  They become bullies and doubt everyone else because they could never see past their own self negativity.  It took me years to learn to let go of my self hate and doubts; to stop questioning my choices in life based on someone else's ideas of me, their idea of what i was worth.  Looking back, I wasn't worth anything at all to them.  I was just an object either in the way, a burden, only useful when the time came for whatever they had in store for me.  Sometimes I still doubt myself, who doesn't?  I sometimes go back to those negative ideas and thoughts, I forget my worth for a moment, and I have to stop myself.  I have to remind myself that I am not the person others tried to tell me I was.

I will leave you with a quote

Lent Is Near

Tomorrow is Fat Tuesday!  Indulge in your sins...  I know I'm going for coffee with my friend Emma and talk about furthering our education.  I'm more excited to catch up with her and hopefully talk about fitness too.

Lent is coming, Lent is coming and guess what? I still have no idea what to give up besides soda.  I want to do the bad carbs and or refined sugars.  The problem is I just don't know enough to give 100%.  I have to give 100% or I won't feel that I completed Lent.  So, I think I will go with No junk food (mostly to remove refined sugars), Soda (again sugars), and processed foods (no pre-made/boxed/packaged crap). I think that would be a good start to better choices in the long run and removing sugars and carbs I do not need.  Also, it will give me time to learn more about good and bad carbs.  Yes?  Sounds good to me.  I will also be fasting on Wednesdays and Fridays- tea and water only.

I will restart an old workout challenge I want to do.  I'll post more about this in detail tomorrow.  I would also like to work on some writing and self awareness.  I will answer one question each day, something about myself, my opinions, beliefs and what not.  If you have a question you would like me to answer, feel free to message me or comment below.  During Lent I will  be working on a new 30 day project.  It will go with my question of the day.   It is called 30 Challenges for 30 days of Growth by marcandangel.com.  I found Marc and Angel on G+ and I enjoy their website.  So I thought I would give their challenge a try during Lent.  I will also use some of their questions for my Question of the Day.  I feel that this will be a great way for me to really get in touch with myself (haha touch myself, yeah okay, it's not funny).  Seriously, I think this will be good for me and I would like it if you would consider doing the same.

I think that's it for now.  I'm tired and waited till way to late to write.  I'll give you the low down on how blogging will be for Lent and where the challenges will fit in.

Good night

Lisa

I am Writing

I am writing, just not here.

I have been on a writing frenzy, I guess.  I have written my deepest fears, desires, and heart break. As if not writing will make my heart burst.  I haven't felt the need to write in such a way in a long time.  I am filling up my journals with thoughts and emotions I thought I lost, or buried deep within me.

My past has come to visit, to haunt, to drag my soul through the fires of hell.  My present is here within  my heart, lifting me, pushing me, to carry me forward.  My future is waiting quietly, patiently, for me to decide.

I don't know what I'm doing.