A promise made.

I just started the 7 day book challenge. I was going to wait until July 1, but I was really bored today and thought "If i'm bored and not being productive, then I need to find a way to be". So I started reading. In the first chapter of The Woman's Book of Confidence it is said to embrace and get to know the stranger(s) within. We all have other selves. No one is exactly the same with everyone, not to mention our critical self. The book says to get to know that critical self, to learn why it's so scared or angry. To comfort that part of you and heal from within. we need to accept ourselves and give positive self talk.There is also a part in the chapter about growing a tail. Meaning owning up to our actions and being responsible. Like I said in previous posts I am a procrastinator and always felt i needed someone else to wind me up. I am also bad with the critical self, i have a horrible habit of bashing myself. I also have a hard time accepting compliments. These are things I need to work on.
~
On another note. I have been having a hard week. Which is why I really wanted to do the challenge. I need to read up on how to better myself and work on accepting myself. On Sunday July 1, 2012 I will be 35 years  old. that is not old, but I feel unaccomplished. The goals I set 10 years ago did not get fulfilled and I feel like a failure. I didn't work hard enough, I was careless with my finances, and I let my relationship fall apart and end. I am in the same spot I was ten years ago and I have nothing to show for it. Yes I am bashing a little, but at the same time I need to own up to the procrastination, the fear, and the irresponsibility. It is my own fault I am in this shitty position today.
There is one promise I made to myself at the same time I made these goals. I would only allow myself three more relationships (after the kids father), if none of them succeeded, then I would put myself into retirement. It has been 1 year and 11 months to the day since I was in a serious relationship and two months since I have been intimate with anyone (just so happens to be my ex). I have even quit masturbating. Now my question is, Is this the right thing to do at my age? Am I being silly about this? I just want to give up and walk away. I do need to work on myself, and I believe you cant be in a healthy relationship with someone else if you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself.  At least I have been using this belief more as an excuse than anything. After the kids father I had two 6 month relationships and then 6 years with Ryan, until he ended it August 29, 2010. I had a brief unwanted relationship with someone and then a few random dates. Nothing worth talking about.  I don't know. I think it's time to let go.

We can't use our past as an excuse to stay in bondage to a negative, defeated approach to life. - joyce meyer ministries  {whoa, I just saw this on facebook while I was responding to a message. perfect timing}

The 7 Day Book Challenge

In my last post I wrote about a blog I love to follow by the name of  In over your head. Last night as I was looking through the blogs I follow Julien had a new post titled How to read 7 books in 7 days. I thought FABULOUS! I've been looking for a challenge. Plus I have been putting off reading certain books I keep saying I will read. So, I will put my procrastination aside and get busy on this challenge. In the blog Julien states "If you can, choose books that stack on top of each other so that you learn successive, stacking topics." So I chose a theme for myself - Self Awareness. I have been wanting to read these books and have skimmed through most. Two of the books I read a few years ago when I needed them for a class at LMC. Each book has something I feel I want to learn to help better myself and my awareness to myself and others. 

The books: 

.1 The Woman's Book Confidence by: Sue Patton Thoele

.2 Breakthrough Dreaming by: Dr. Gayle Delaney

.3 Quest by: Denise Linn

.4 The Intuitive Way by: Penney Peirce  I have the hard cover 1997 Ed.

.5 Your Handwriting Can Change Your Life by: Vimala Rodgers This is the PDF version. so you can read it too :)

The next two books are by a great  Marriage Counselor & Psychology Professor at Los Medanos College and JFK University.

.6 More Than Just Sex by: Daniel Beaver

.7 Creating Intimate Connection Emotional Intimacy by: Daniel Beaver

He also has a blog and youtube channel

danbeaver - youtube

danielbeaver.com/blog

Now lets get this challenge going

I'm a bit embarrassed that I allowed this to happen

“Following-through is the only thing that separates dreamers from people that accomplish great things”. ~ Gene Hayden 
 (http://daringtolivefully.com/procrastination-quotes)

I have been lazy lately. Procrastinating to the fullest. I AM A PROCRASTINATOR. I always have been, but I would have moments of  mass productivity. It's as if someone came up to me and wound the little handle and whoosh I am off, then I wind down and ppfft nothing, until someone else winds me up.  Why does it have to be someone else? Do you see my dilemma? Do you see how I am hurting myself waiting for others to wind up my ass? Haha, wind up my ass sounds naughty. 

I have lists upon lists of things I want or need to do. Lists of goals from years ago. I'm just finding them now because I cleaned out some boxes and files. I'll have to take a picture or scan some to show you what I mean. I'm still sorting through them to see if any important phone numbers or addresses are on them. I have also found old school notebooks, old homework, and i even found some money, YAY, okay not really. I think it's awful to find money while cleaning, that means i was being irresponsible with it in the first place. Though there are rare times I hide money, but I am specific on where to hide it.

What does being a procrastinator, getting wound up, and having a mess have to do with each other in this post? I never get anything done because I am always waiting for someone to crack the whip or wind me up. Sometimes that crack of the whip is when I see how well others my age are doing. I think "What the hell did I do with my life?" Having kids is no excuse, yes my kids have always come first, but what else did I accomplish? Nothing is the answer. I can't find anything I have done worth acknowledging. I feel like somehow I failed at life. A horrible way to talk to myself, right? Well it's the way I feel sometimes and it's those moments that wind me up and get me going. I'm not a fan of the "Keep up with the Jones" lifestyle. I don't want the newest gadget or have nice things to show my friends. That's not what this is. Sometimes we need something to happen for us to re-evaluate or life. Today just happens to be one of those days. 

So, what am I embarrassed about? Being the unaccomplished lame procrastinating list maker. That's what! It's awful and I need to do something about it because I am tired of being in this self hating state. Only I can make my life better, not the other person who has to come wind me up.  The decisions I have made in the past have put me where i am today. Some decisions have cost me precious time and people. I can't get those back and I know it, yet here I am dwelling on old lists and being a jealous brat. I keep telling myself I want to change, I keep making lists, writing blogs, and crying about how unhappy I am. I'm not just embarrassed, I'm disgusted in myself for allowing it to get this bad. 

I have been reading two blogs that I feel inspirational. I have done some of the homework and lessons these blogs have offered. The first blog is daringtolivefully.com by Marelisa, I have been following her blog for quiet some time. Though I have not attempted all her techniques, she has many to offer. I am working on her 7 part mini course called Create and Achieve Your Life List. Ironic huh? The life list is similar to a Bucket List and well that's how I found this blog. I was looking up Bucket list information. The second blog is by a man named Julien, the site is called inoveryourhead.net. In over my head is right. He just started giving out homework on weekends. Though I have not been posting how my homework went over the weekend. I think I should start. This weekend is about Confidence. I am to emulate the person i fell has the confidence I want. So we'll see if I can do it. 

I think this is a step in the right direction, both blogs help show you how to get rid of the fog and negativity in your head. They give ideas on how to be more productive, mindful, and self awareness. I just need to read them more and really start paying attention to my feelings. Instead of letting my feelings overwhelm me, I could meditate or take a moment to release those feelings in some writing. I need to start writing down how I feel right when I feel it, so I can work on understanding it. Then I can become more mindful of my feelings and actions. While I am working on my emotional state I can start getting out in the world and living life. No more envy,disappointment, and self hate. I know it will take time, but i know I can do it. At least that's what I keep telling myself today.

~Lisa

Hot Momma & kids

The weather has been ridiculous. I wish it would make up its mind. Over the weekend it was in the 100s and all we did was sleep or watch movies. It was just too hot to function. So much so that David and I both became ill. I don't know how people work outdoors in such heat. Farm workers, landscapers, and construction workers; I give you all much respect for the work you do. 

I live in an apartment complex that is considered the projects, it said so in my lease when I moved in. It is low income housing (Sec 8/ HUD/ Tax credit). I'll go into more detail about my life in The Projects another time. Don't get me wrong, I do love my 'hood, but today we talk about the Heat. We recently had some remodeling done and all of a sudden we are no longer allowed to have window air conditioners due to some fire safety issue. All these years we've had the window air conditioners and now we can't? Weird... and it sucks because it is too darn hot to be upstairs in this heat. I have 2 floor fans and a ceiling fan (in the dining room) going 24/7.  Lucky for us it is just cool enough to handle the warm weather upstairs tonight. 

My twin (not really twins) Virginia invited us to go swimming at her place today. It was perfect timing since it was in the mid 90s today. The kids had a good time. David said he didn't want to go but i made him, and then he says "I'm not swimming" but he did. Crazy kid. I didn't swim, but I did get to have some sister time with Virginia; it's been a while since we talked. 

It was a good day for a hot one. 

Just having a good relaxing time.

craving veggies & an ER visit

from fanpop.com

I have been seriously craving veggies. I'm also craving pizza, so I thought I would order my favorite. Sadly it did not satisfy my cravings. wah wah wah.... I had four slices of pizza and some cheesy bread. I'm stuffed and yet not fulfilled. Now what do I do? maybe I should have ordered a salad too.

This week was okay, I did pull a muscle in my upper back that cause serious problems with my right arm and chest. I had to go to the ER because I had a hard time breathing and my right arm became numb. It was a little scary, but I knew I would be okay. I'm just glad it was a pulled muscle and nothing to do with my lungs or heart. with all the questions they asked I was a little worried. It did make me think about what I am consuming. I bought coconut juice and Arizona Ice teas instead of a bunch of soda. I still had soda but not as much as I usually do. I gone from 4liters a day to 20oz a day. That's a good start, right? I hope to have it down to a can (12oz) or a glass at one meal a day and then to only drinking it when I dine out or have pizza at home. I have to have a soda with my pizza.

I didn't measure myself this morning. OOPS so I'll do it in the morning. That's all for now, i don't really have much to say. I'm tired from all the food I ate and I have to get up early to get the house ready for my sons graduation/ acceptance party on Sunday. I'll talk more about that tomorrow. Good night kids.

Lisa

Back to Basics

I'm doing okay with the betterment of me. I have lost weight already, reduced my eating and drinking of sodas. When I do the grocery shopping later this week i will not buy sodas. Oh wait, I have to buy sodas for Sunday. Blah.

That is not what this blog is really about. It's about reducing the crap I buy, recycling things no longer needed, and reusing what I can.  Yes, I'm going to try again at non-consumerism. Only buy what I need and use what I have.  I keep telling myself I must do this because I am a pack rat. You can still walk through my home plus I can vacuum and mop so I am not a hoarder. I don't want to become one either. I want a more simple life style. The hardest part about that is my books. I just can't give them up. 

Now, there are some things I am having a hard time deciding on. I have a stereo system that needs speakers. Do I buy speakers or do I just donate the stereo system because I don't have the speakers? Also, Samantha has a bunk bed we just took apart the top half and stored it in the closet. I am thinking of tossing out the frame (damage and a piece missing) but keeping the mattress. I will be breaking up and tossing out the old dresser my son has been using. The drawers are getting stuck, the wood is chipping and there is some damage to the top. It does not look fixable. I gave him my dresser which fits in the closet and gives him more room. I have a few bags of blankets and clothes that will become quilts or purses/bags. We have a bunch of supplies to make Christmas ornaments as well. I think it's time to use all this stuff up or at least get it better organized. 

The not buying things shouldn't be too bad. I have been making a list of things we NEED and numbering them by importance. I will purchase the items when I save money for that specific item. No buying on a whim, and always have a plan. The hard part will be not buying the yummy quick snack foods that I usually get. I will have to really keep control while shopping. I was telling myself (yes I talk to myself. SHUT UP) I will only shop once a week with a list and only buy what is on that list. I need to make do with what I have and fix what can be fixed. Instead of just tossing it. 

So the plan is to well... make a plan, stick to the list and try to reuse everything I can. 

On another note, I am trying to read every book I own (that's a lot). At the moment I am re-reading It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken &  for the first time I am reading He's Just Not That Into You. 

Black Diamond Mines 6.3.12

Happy Sunday! 

Today Samantha and I walked to Black Diamond Mines. While walking one of the trails a hawk kept flying low over us. I'm guessing it had a nest near by. We visited Rose Hill Cemetery and found a baby rattle snake sleeping on one of the grave stones. We found a dead young owl and ground squirrel (RIP). We ran through a swarm of bees too. Then as we were leaving a cow was seriously watching us walk out of the park. We even saw some wild turkeys on the way home. It was about 8 miles from our home to the cemetery and back. I wore the new shoes I bought yesterday to break them in. I forgot that some new shoes make my feet go numb after a while. By the time we got home I had to take a bath and soak my feet and ankles. It was well worth it though. 

aww baby rattle snake. 

How now, brown cow... stop watching us.

Let the June Challenge begin.

http://lowfatdietplan.com/bmi-chart

I started today with a new challenge. I want to better my health, and make new "good habits". I weighed, measured and took pictures of myself today. I will do this every Friday and post my progress.  My goal is not really to lose weight, but to be more healthy and fit. According to the chart above at 5'2" & 155 lbs (11 stone) I am overweight. Up until 2003 I weighed between 134-140. I started gaining weight and getting fat. Okay i'm not really fat, but have have more fat than I want. I am getting sluggish and sometimes I get exhausted out of nowhere. I do not smoke, occasionally drink, and I don't do street drugs or Prescription (Rx). I've never been a fan of any of that stuff, though I have tried marijuana, all it did was make me tired. I think it's only purpose is for medicinal use.

I will not make myself give up anything, but learn to have what I love in moderation. I am working on a fitness goal plan that I can break down into smaller parts. Baby steps is what I keep telling myself. If I start too big I will give up.

So here is the Beginning:

Height: 5'2"
Weight: 155
BMI: 28 (overweight/ borderline obese)

Measurements:
Bust: 38 1/2
Arms: 12 1/2
Waist: 33
Hips: 42
Thighs: Left 24  Right 25  (is that normal?)
Calves: Left 15 right 15 1/2 (again, wtf?)