I'm a bit embarrassed that I allowed this to happen

“Following-through is the only thing that separates dreamers from people that accomplish great things”. ~ Gene Hayden 
 (http://daringtolivefully.com/procrastination-quotes)

I have been lazy lately. Procrastinating to the fullest. I AM A PROCRASTINATOR. I always have been, but I would have moments of  mass productivity. It's as if someone came up to me and wound the little handle and whoosh I am off, then I wind down and ppfft nothing, until someone else winds me up.  Why does it have to be someone else? Do you see my dilemma? Do you see how I am hurting myself waiting for others to wind up my ass? Haha, wind up my ass sounds naughty. 

I have lists upon lists of things I want or need to do. Lists of goals from years ago. I'm just finding them now because I cleaned out some boxes and files. I'll have to take a picture or scan some to show you what I mean. I'm still sorting through them to see if any important phone numbers or addresses are on them. I have also found old school notebooks, old homework, and i even found some money, YAY, okay not really. I think it's awful to find money while cleaning, that means i was being irresponsible with it in the first place. Though there are rare times I hide money, but I am specific on where to hide it.

What does being a procrastinator, getting wound up, and having a mess have to do with each other in this post? I never get anything done because I am always waiting for someone to crack the whip or wind me up. Sometimes that crack of the whip is when I see how well others my age are doing. I think "What the hell did I do with my life?" Having kids is no excuse, yes my kids have always come first, but what else did I accomplish? Nothing is the answer. I can't find anything I have done worth acknowledging. I feel like somehow I failed at life. A horrible way to talk to myself, right? Well it's the way I feel sometimes and it's those moments that wind me up and get me going. I'm not a fan of the "Keep up with the Jones" lifestyle. I don't want the newest gadget or have nice things to show my friends. That's not what this is. Sometimes we need something to happen for us to re-evaluate or life. Today just happens to be one of those days. 

So, what am I embarrassed about? Being the unaccomplished lame procrastinating list maker. That's what! It's awful and I need to do something about it because I am tired of being in this self hating state. Only I can make my life better, not the other person who has to come wind me up.  The decisions I have made in the past have put me where i am today. Some decisions have cost me precious time and people. I can't get those back and I know it, yet here I am dwelling on old lists and being a jealous brat. I keep telling myself I want to change, I keep making lists, writing blogs, and crying about how unhappy I am. I'm not just embarrassed, I'm disgusted in myself for allowing it to get this bad. 

I have been reading two blogs that I feel inspirational. I have done some of the homework and lessons these blogs have offered. The first blog is daringtolivefully.com by Marelisa, I have been following her blog for quiet some time. Though I have not attempted all her techniques, she has many to offer. I am working on her 7 part mini course called Create and Achieve Your Life List. Ironic huh? The life list is similar to a Bucket List and well that's how I found this blog. I was looking up Bucket list information. The second blog is by a man named Julien, the site is called inoveryourhead.net. In over my head is right. He just started giving out homework on weekends. Though I have not been posting how my homework went over the weekend. I think I should start. This weekend is about Confidence. I am to emulate the person i fell has the confidence I want. So we'll see if I can do it. 

I think this is a step in the right direction, both blogs help show you how to get rid of the fog and negativity in your head. They give ideas on how to be more productive, mindful, and self awareness. I just need to read them more and really start paying attention to my feelings. Instead of letting my feelings overwhelm me, I could meditate or take a moment to release those feelings in some writing. I need to start writing down how I feel right when I feel it, so I can work on understanding it. Then I can become more mindful of my feelings and actions. While I am working on my emotional state I can start getting out in the world and living life. No more envy,disappointment, and self hate. I know it will take time, but i know I can do it. At least that's what I keep telling myself today.

~Lisa