Broken Rearview Mirror.

2012 has come to an end, well just about. So much happened this year and yet not much of what I wanted. You can't always get what you want, right? Let's do a quick recap:

-I went back and forth to San Francisco to help Ryan and his family pack for their move. It was a chapter ending and new chapters being written for all of us. The house in San Francisco was like a second home. It was my getaway, a place for me to think and to get lost in adventures alone in the city & woods. I miss it so much.
-My cousin Michael was married and I had the chance to see my fathers side of the family.
-I decided to go blonde then went back to a color as close as I could to my natural color. I love the blonde but, I swore i would let my hair grow out for one year. It's so hard to not dye it.
-I disowned my mothers sister, that is all.
-I saw Jason Mraz & Christina Perri in concert.
-I started school again and will graduate August 2013.
-I was fortunate to hang out with some old friends & two tried to teach me how to snowboard.
-I was told I'm not the kind of girl you take home to mother. I'm too different/weird/cool to have as a girlfriend- I'm forever in the friendzone or the booty call zone.  These people are no longer my friend but sadly it seems thats the kind of guys I attract, so I have no new guy friends. When did sex become a requirement for friendship? Like I said I just happen to attract those kind of guys.  I'll pass!
-I also lost friends when I started school. I wasn't able to drop what I was doing for people, so they quit talking to me all together. Oh well, their loss.
- Friends passed away and I had to say goodbye too soon.  I guess that's just the way it is.

So, what have I learned?
I learned that some friends weren't really my friends. That even family isn't what it used to be. I'm not marriage or even girlfriend material, so I should start collecting my cats and spinster hats. I watch too many movies, or I need to watch more movies. Not sure which. I am emotionally stronger and less stressed than I have been in past years. I no longer have interest in making new friends. I don't care if you like me or want to be friends. I have learned to be comfortably alone, it doesn't bother me anymore.

I saw some movies this year, I think was more, but these are the ones that I remember:
 The Raven
The Dark Knight Rises
The Amazing Spiderman
Total Recall
Taken 2
The Man with the Iron Fists
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
Les Miserables

I will end this blog with a song dedicated to 2012. It was a little rough but not to bad and, it made me so much stronger than I thought I could be.  No looking back, only moving forward.

December Movies

Happy Christmas, Festivus, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, and so on.

I went to see Les Miserables today with Ryan. I have not seen it in theatre though Ryan has seen it 3 times. I saw a recorded version many years ago on TV. I don't really have the theatre version to compare to but, It was a beautiful movie and I cried.  Anne Hathaway deserves every award known to man for her performance. I have always liked her as an actress and singer. She is truly amazing. Hugh Jackman also deserves much applause and awards for his performance as well. All the actors/actresses and performers have my respects. It was masterfully done in my opinion. I want to see it again. I also can't wait to get it on dvd so I can have a sing along at my house.

I was also able to watch The Hobbit: An unexpected Journey on the 16th. I even got a free t-shirt. I have been waiting for this movie to come out since the beginning of The Lord of the Rings. It was beautifully made. This movie made dwarfs pretty damn sexy, well I think so. Thorin, Fili, and Kili were pretty good looking dwarfs. They also had some awesome hair. Yes I know this really has nothing to do with how good the movie was, but it made it sooo much better. Is it just me or did the singing give you chills too. We need more music like that in the world. I have read the book a few times, and my daughter Samantha just read it for a book report. In the book I had a hard time deciding how I felt about Gollum, but seeing Gollums face near the end of this movie after losing his ring broke my heart, he is just such a sad creature. It gave that part of the story more emotions for me. Samantha also saw the movie and we really want to watch it again. We may do that next week.

I want to...

I want to blog, but I can't get my thoughts straight tonight. I'm trying to figure a few things out and I'm a little stuck. Maybe I'm not meant to figure it out, but to let it just fade away. I wish I knew.

Happy Christmas!

It's that time of year again. We all survived the Holiday shopping. We get to cheat on our so called diets. How do you like those gifts you'll regift or never use? Hopefully you got a gift card instead.

Each year I have a different feeling. Some years I'm totally into Christmas and some years I'm Scrooge. This year I am indifferent, but I wanted to blog about Christmas, so I will Share with you some of my favorite things about the Holiday.

• Favorite Christmas movies
• The Nightmare Before Christmas
• How the Grinch Stole Christmas
• Scrooged
• A Charlie Brown Christmas
• Disney's Sing along Songs Christmas songs 
• Favorite Christmas songs
• Happy Xmas (the war is over) - John Lennon, Christina Perri
• Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays - N*Sync
• Winter Wonderland - Jason Mraz, Jewel, Frank Sinatra, Disney singers
• Ave Maria - Charlotte Church, Christina Perri
• Sleigh Ride - Jewel, Garth Brooks
• Last Christmas - Wham!

Actually Christina Perri has a great Christmas Album. You should check it out.

Where did the time go?

Geez, it's December already? This year seems to have gone by so fast. The end of the world is coming up and then Christmas and New Years.  What are you doing for these special days? Me, I'm doing nothing super special. The day the world ends I will be in school, It's the last day of this session. Christmas and New Years I plan on being home. I'm not cooking or having company this year. Just some peace, quiet and time for reflection. This past year was pretty good. I spent time with Ryan and his family helping them with their move. I got to explore San Francisco and went to Pride with my daughter. I learned new things, faced some fears and checked a few things off the bucket list. I saw Jason Mraz and Christina Perri live. It was amazing! I went and saw plenty of cool movies.  I got to spend time with long lost friends, and made so pretty cool new ones. I removed a lot of negative people from my life and found positive people to replace them.

There are a few things that need to be resolved within myself. I know that in time I will find a way to work out the kinks. I am confident that 2013 will be a great year, but why wait for the New Year? Everyday is a new day and a fresh start. If you think about it every minute, or even second is a great time to start a new. A time for growth- mentally, physically and spiritually. I am ready for positive changes and better self-awareness.  It's starts and ends with me... Why wait till January 1, 2013.

IT STARTS NOW!

Something New with Friends (Overdue blog)

I had a few firsts recently. In November I was invited to Lake Tahoe for the first time. We left on the 23rd knowing I had never been there and NEVER attempted snow boarding. You see, I always considered myself one who dislikes snow. I believe I was 3 the last time I was in real snow, not counting the bizarre mini snow fall Brentwood had once (or was it twice?). My family lives in areas that snow, but I don't visit during that time. I always thought I hated it, people would talk about snow and my immediate response was "eww I hate snow". So I had not played in snow, made snow balls, snow men or snow angels. I had not been to a ski resort or anything really. You can see how crazy it sounds that I would agree to go. I was hesitant, but I have been telling myself that I need to try new things and face my fears. Plus I really needed to get away.

An old high school friend by the name of Eric invited me. We had been hanging out lately and he would say that he was going to get me to the snow. He was so sure he would get me to go snow boarding. He was right. We drove to Tahoe and stayed at Montbleu Resort Hotel. It was a nice place and the shower/ tub was awesome. We met up with another old high school friend Tyler and his wife Angelina.  We went to dinner and did some gambling, okay I only played Keno, but it's still gambling.

 Saturday the 24th we went to Heavenly Ski Resort and I was faced with snow, ice and lots of crazy people. We rented me & Angelina some boots and boards. Then it was off to play. Eric & Tyler are seasoned boarders, so they showed us the basics. Angelina had been boarding one time prior to this trip. So I made it clear that i am a slow learner when it comes to sports and They only had one hour to get me started then they were to take off and go do their thing. So the hour passes and I got the basics but had a hard time getting up when I fell. The guys want to go elsewhere but I don't feel ready and choose to stay behind. I have a feeling Eric felt bad, but I made it clear that they take off after an hour. So I try a few more times on my own. As I told you in the last post I was clipped by another boarder and then hit by a second person. It hurt! Someone was nice and helped me not fall again until I got to a chair. Haha..  I sat there for a bit watching the kids learn and I can't believe how small some of the kids were. To see these tiny body sliding around was super cute. I wish I had brought my phone to take photos. After a while I decide to get up and walk around. That is when Eric spotted me and we headed back to the hotel. I was walking a bit funny when we left Heavenly. I thought taking a nice hot bath would help and it did. Though I think the drinking I was doing while getting ready for the night made me feel no pain. By the time we left the room to eat I was barely able to walk. I think Eric escorted me around most of the time. We had a buffet dinner, and half way through I went to the restroom and I get lost trying to get back to the table. It felt as if I was walking for hours trying to find my friends. After dinner we walk back to our hotel to check out Club Opal for some dancing.  We had some more drinks and then it was dance time. Only Eric and I danced because Tyler doesn't dance, what a weirdo. I think we danced just about the whole time we were there. It has been so long since i went dancing. I believe that was the most fun from that weekend. I need to go dancing more often (hint hint).

 Sunday morning we went to Denny's for breakfast before heading home. The server was a young pretty girl and she was so sweet. Before we actually headed home Eric took me sight seeing real quick. It is so lovely in Tahoe, I can't believe I have never been there before. I think I told Eric a few times I would so live there. I would love to live anywhere like it.

So all in all the trip was great. I had fun and it was well worth it. I want to go again soon. I am grateful for the friends that thought to invite me. Thank you Eric, Tyler and Angelina.

Below are the few photos I took with my phone.

Friday night. You like our makeshift cooler?

Saturday night. I was pretty tipsy in this photo. 

FML, but not really.

This photo to the right explains how my week has been going perfectly. To say I have had a rough week would be pretty accurate.

I got hurt snowboarding last weekend. It was my first time, but some jerkface knocked me down, and then I got hit by another person. I didn't think I was hurt that bad and was able to go dancing the same night. As the days went by the pain got worse and I started getting dizzy and nauseous. So I went to the ER just to be safe. After being in the ER for 2 1/2 hours i was told I had a pinched nerve and some bruising but I would be fine after a few days. AWESOME! Well maybe not, a classmate asked if I had been sick this winter yet. Uhm winter just started, and I was a little sick in September, so I think I'm good. Wrong! I woke up Friday with a fever and body aches. Good job classmate, you jinxed me. So here I am sick in bed. I've been studying and trying to think of things to blog about.

.........

Wait, back up. Did I tell you I started school? Maybe in a recent post? Well I started taking classes at a local Adult Education school. I entered into their Medical Secretary program. It's 40 weeks and classes are 5 weeks long. I like the fact the classes are short because they will keep my interest and I learn better in fast paced courses. I started 11.19.2012 YAY! I have already finished one course. Yes I finished one in less than 2 weeks, it was easy computer basic skills. The computer classes are self paced and once you are done with one you move on to the next one. Perfect! It will give me plenty of time in the end to work on things I suck at like ten key (200 strokes per minute) and typing (50 wpm). Now I can type pretty well and do ten key as well. But this program makes you do it the way you should, not like I do, almost never using my pinkies... oopsy. So anywho, the Instructors are great. I have met some nice ladies in my classes and in the "Student Lounge".  The school was once an elementary school. I believe it was the first in town. It's pretty neat how the now City has turned it into an Adult Ed and high school on one campus. The high school is more of a continuation school, but I dont think we use that term anymore. So far I am really enjoying the classes and I'm excited to participate. Unfortunately I have already missed two days because of being ill and hurting my back. I don't want to miss anymore days. So I better get well by tomorrow night darn it.

So the week was good but at the same time LIFE tried to f**k it up. Try a little harder next time LIFE.

P.S. I need to post the few pictures I took last weekend so maybe i'll do that in a few.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Thanksgiving week was busy. So busy that I gladly agreed to run away for the weekend.
I started school for a medical secretary certificate this week. What a weird time to start. I'm taking Medical Terminology, Computer Concepts, and Customer Service 101. I don't get a choice in what I take, but so far I like it. I cooked for thanksgiving this year. I made pumpkin pie, yams and stuffing for the first time. I usually buy pies and stuffing pre-made. Everything came out good. The turkey, yams & pie supplies actually came from Samanthas school. She won the 7th grade girls Turkey Trot. The prize included supplies for a turkey dinner.

I don't do the shopping on black friday or anything. I hate the weekend after Thanksgiving. I normally hide in my home. But this weekend I am being taken away to somewhere cold. I have no idea what is in store for me.

Just for now...

Quick Hello before i head out again.

1. I start school on Monday WOOHOO!
2. My daughter won something called the Turkey Trot at school.
3. I scratched a mole on my face and now it looks infected so, my face looks scary.
4. I forgot to wash off my make up and I looked like a crying psycho ex-girlfriend when i got out of the shower.
5. Anxiety attacks are back. May have to be medicated again.
6. Thanksgiving is at my house this year. I dont have enough chairs or tables. Oh well!
7. My next door neighbors are moving out today. Which means by Christmas I will have new neighbors and I have no idea what I'll get. YAY?!


I'll have a proper blog later today. I have to go pick up the Turkey Trot prize for my daughter.  Then its off to bowling. I have all these half started blogs, i need to finish them all. Time to run. I'll explain the above crap later.
~Lisa

Retreating into my shell.

I had been working on blogs to post this past week. I even posted on Facebook that they would be up before and on Halloween. Well, that didn't happen. Tuesday the 30th I had a horrible migraine. I just barely functioned through the day. I kept the house dark with only the computer screen and stove light on. I had a hard time sleeping that night, and by the time I fell deep asleep it had to be around 6:30 am.
I woke up around 10am Halloween, and supposedly missed out on some excitement in the neighborhood. I cannot go into detail, but it is very serious. This is only a small part of the situation. More crazy things happened since that "excitement" and I had to call Police for help. I am okay and the other people involved are also okay. It was a scary situation, but things will get better.  Though I am proud to be open about my life. This blog and my social networking sites may be the excuse used to discredit me. But, go ahead, I am an adult and I can do what I like as long as I am not hurting anyone or doing anything illegal. I am voicing my opinion and sharing my life with the world. I am mentally preparing myself for the possibilities of what may come. I am tracing my steps online and doing searches on myself. I will not delete anything because that will make it seem as if I have something to hide. Which I do not. I have a feeling the situation will get very ugly before things get better. So I am trying to prepare myself the best I can emotionally for possible future whatever. Hopefully this situation does not actually involve me and I can easily move on.

This incident has brought me to a place that I do not like. I am becoming fearful again and even a little paranoid. I don't know who I can trust. I am now wondering if I should become more private. I can keep blogging and doing social networking, but I will refrain from discussing many topics and not really being myself.  I may just refrain from using any social networking for a while. Being open on just about everything and anything can make you a target. A target for judgement, bullying, and harrassment. There is a reason why you don't give out to much info about yourself. Though I dont give out my address and other private information, I do let people know my opinions and what kind of lifestyle I lead. I'm not sure yet if my online behavior has made this situation worse. I wish i could just openly tell you what has been going on, but at this moment i am not sure I can give you more than i already have.
 A part of me wants to return to that protective crab shell and be forgotten. Then a part of me whats to keep being my crazy self and not worrying about it. If I hide away, doesn't that mean they win? I don't want them to win anything. So what do I do? Hide away,  keep being open, or find some kind of middle ground? Is there a middle ground? I really don't know at this time. I have so many thoughts running through my head. I can't think straight right now. So for now I will keep to myself and hide away in my shell. I'll try to find other things to blog about to keep my mind off the situaton.

Sunday Morning Post.

Today is laundry day, clean the kitchen day and why do I have to be in pain day.

YAY!!! Okay not really, I had such a hard time sleeping last night. My back didn't want me to be comfortable. I tossed and turned most of the night. Then Samantha decided she wanted to sleep in my bed too. Which meant I would get a small portion of my Queen sized bed and she would have the rest. That girl sleeps in weird poses. Plus she kicks and punches in her sleep.

I'm tired, but want to get shit done today. So please please back, let me get it done. The sad part is that it's a beautiful day and I could be at the park, but no, I'm home cleaning house. Oh well. I'll blog later.




Have a great day kids!

xoxo,

Lisa

No expectations, little hope, and much doubt

I try hard to not expect anything from anyone. People lie, keep secrets, pretend, and flip flop. People change minds, feelings, and hearts faster than ever these days. With no expectations of others brings hopes and doubts in my mind. I hope to find someone someday who can except me as is. It takes a strong person to accept and want damaged goods. I hope that i have the friends i think i have. But... i have doubt.  It sits quietly waiting for the right moment to creep in and give me reasons to question others sincerity.  Why is it so hard for me to believe there are people that care, that i can count on and trust? Why do i fear friendship or any type of relationship? This is something new for me. I don't like this new fear i have within me. I expect nothing, doubt many things, and my hope is diminishing. I keep telling myself to try one more time, but whats the point. I am ready to give up, give in and let go.

Frustrated to say the least.

I have been trying to revamp my blog for the past 2 hours. I have changed the template and colors multiple times. I just can't find a color scheme i like. This shouldn't be so damn hard. I think I may need some outside help with this because I am so stuck.  Nothing seems to reflect me at this time in my life. Maybe that's because i feel I am at a crossroads and havent decided which path to take yet.

I need a hot air balloon to take me up above all that is in my life so I can get an idea as where to go. Then maybe once I know my path I can find a theme that fits me. hahahaha yeah right.

Back to the frustration of making my blog pretty.  Maybe i should go back to basics.

~Lisa

What's the Plan Stan?

Stan has no idea. Why? Well because I don't know anyone named Stan. At least I don't think I do but, if there is a Stan that knows the plan, he better share.

I am trying to write out a plan for my blogging. First in the plan is to write everyday. Even if it's something lame. I was trying out some writing exercises from a few sites. Maybe I will use those as fillers when I have a hard time. I am a writer who likes to interact with others, so I will have to think of some blogs that can include all of you. I think I will have to read through all my old blogs and see what  is unfinished. I can continue with old blogs and complete blogging projects I forgot about. That sounds like a start, right?

I am reevaluating my bucket list at the moment. I hope to have some new and exciting things to add. One will be me challenging myself to face some of my fears. We'll see how that goes.  Minus Clowns, I will never attempt to deal with Clowns. They scare me to death and with halloween here, I have to see them a lot.

So, I am looking for some blogging and bucket list ideas. It would be awesome if you can help me out.


Some other plans in the works-

1. I will be doing something like Lent for the Holidays. The rules are the same, but the dates are Day after Thanksgiving to Christmas Day (for you if you want to participate) or New Years Day (this one is for me).
- No beef, pork, soda/ coffee (which ever is your addiction), no fast food, no junk food.
We all over indulge durring the Holidays so I thought this would be a good idea to try. I don't celebrate Christmas Day, so I don't have to worry about over eating, though I will not be able to have my favorite spiral ham. I guess I can have it for New Years Day dinner.

2. Planning on going back to school. Cross your fingers it all works out. I will hopefully know something by the end of next week.

3. I am late for my Fall Cleaning, so I will be doing that for the next 2 weeks.  I will sell, barter, or give away anything that I no longer NEED on Craigslist. Hopefully that goes well. I sold my air conditioner, and gave away my table on there, so I think I will be okay.

I think this is it for now. I'm going to go watch some movies and have adult conversation with a good friend of mine. After a day of horrid menstrual cramps and headache, I need some relaxing.

A quickie.

Sorry my loves. I know I haven't been blogging and I'm sure no one wants to read my rambles. I've been having some emotional roller coaster shit going on. So please bare with me.

First off Autumn is my favorite season and yet I have seasonal depression so I have a hard time at the end of Summer & the beginning of Autumn. I slept 2 weeks of September away. Wishing the world would just disappear, but it didn't. The world is still here and so am I. It's a vicious cycle I go through every year. Maybe I will blog about it one day.

So here I am again, feeling ready to blog. Ready to rant, rave, and scare you. Okay I'm not really that scary.  I do try though. As I read online news, social networking posts, and just living life; I see plenty of things I should be ranting about these days. I don't because I am tired of reading so many damn complaints. Everyone is whining about something, shoving their mean spirited thoughts and ideas down others virtual throats. We have become an entitlement society like a spoiled rotten, undisciplined 5 year old.  It's annoying. Sadly I am complaining about the complainers. wwaaahhhhh.  I'll get over it.

I will attempt to blog daily. I will find a reason to blog, and if I need to vent and complain, I promise to find something nice to say as well. I guess one of my topics will be about bad exs, because thats what people want to read about. I'll think up some interesting topics, I'm sure I have some in my journals.

This blog makes no sense but we'll all get over it. I said it was a quickie.


So help me out and give me some blog topics you want to read about.

Here's something pretty to look at. :)

Who am I?

Who, what, why, when, where, how...

Those pesky questions always lingering.
Who am I?
What kind of person am I?
Why am I this way, can I change it?
When did I become who I am today?
Where do I go from here?
How do I change what I don't like about myself?

Have you ever asked yourself these questions? They have been on my mind lately. I am having a hard time answering them. Maybe if I blog my thoughts on each question separately I can figure out the answers. Because writing all my thoughts about all questions in a notebook is not working.

Emptyheadedness

I have things I want to write and share. I have things I want to dobut I am mentally frozen and emotionally drained. So much going on in my life this week that i can't think straight enough to blog.

Does this make sense?

Poop and other things

Okay this blog is not about Poop. I just wanted it in the title. I like saying poop, it makes me giggle.

Alrighty kids, i didn't complete the 7 books in 7 days, BOOOO!! I got 5 1/2 done. The dreams book seemed to take me a while. I want to try the challenge again. I may do this a few times a year to help boost my reading skills and learn more about topics that interest me. Even though I didn't complete the challenge, I enjoyed it very much. I also learned I am better under pressure. If I have a time frame then I work harder at the goal.  The longer the time frame the more I procrastinate. I had a time frame for a sewing project (Due this Sunday) and guess what? I have not started it. All of a sudden I have this feeling like I NEED to get it done.  I don't like rushed work. I don't think the work is good quality if you rush. So why do I do this? If you know please tell me, so I can change this.

I went to the Antioch City Council meeting on Tuesday. It was my first time going and I must say that it was interesting. I think I will start going on a regular basis. I went to the meeting on Tuesday because one of my neighbors has been trying to get us air conditioning. YES we have no air conditioning and its in the 100s here. I live in a townhouse which means when we sleep or get on the PC it's upstairs in the awful heat. We are no longer allowed to have window air conditioners (price range $60-250). The ones the owners of my complex want us to use cost at least $500. Most people in the complex are on a fixed income of some kind. Many do work or have jobs but it's usually minimum wage. Well to make a long story short we heard some things from the council and are hoping to hear more info in the next few weeks. Cross your fingers.

quickie

I had a relaxing and fun weekend.
I'm about to go to the City council meeting to find out what is going on with my hood.
It's freaking hot, but i can'tr complain cause there are soldiers in worse weather than I.
I'll blog more later. I'm just bored waiting for my ride to the meeting.
I also made a StumbleUpon account. YAY ME

It's the Fourth of July !

YAY! Happy Fourth everyone!

This is a mini blog, I'm tired of reading, but not yet tired enough to sleep.

.1 My lovely sunburn may have caused damage to my Jack Skellington tattoo. As I look at the sunburn on my arm I can see spots where the tattoo has become light.  It's like there are tiny blisters, so I will wait and see what the damage is.  I may just have the work redone and updated. The tattoo isn't complete anyhow.

.2 This is not a complaint really, okay maybe a little one, but what is up with guys thinking they can message you " you are so beautiful/ Wow I love your eyes/ You are so sexy, we should meet. heres my number." WTF, really? I don't know you and this is the first time you have messaged me. Of course Call Me Maybe now makes sense, though Timothy DeLaGhettos version could be more fitting. I'll put his video at the bottom. Crazy creepers I tell ya.
Here is one of the worst I've gotten so far: 
How are you? I found your profile quite interesting & you very sexy! :) Would like to get to know you more. Am married, but very open minded & fun loving. Are you? I live in Oakland. Am not on here for a hook up or a one night stand. Would love to get to know you more. Are you open to being friends & explore each other just casually if there's mutual attraction & chemistry, FWB..no strings attached affair/relationship, or whatever you call it? ;)

Why do people think this is okay? I just don't get it. I'm not all that and I know it. So they must think giving the fat/ugly chicks compliments will get them booty. Not this fat ugly chick. I'll pass guys.

.3 A friend of mine sent me a Facebook link about blogging. Unfortunately I just turned too old for the job. If you would like to try it out and are between the ages of 16-34 here is the Link to Nichols Research (food blogs) Good luck!


And here is the awesome video by Timothy deLaGhetto (LOVE HIM). Everytime I go to the store I now sing " where the hoes at where the hohos at" hahaha Damn I want some hohos now.
Also like his Facebook page: Traphik and the lovely lady in the video: LUX

IMOO- Drivers License

I have been reading about a rise in the Y generation not wanting to drive and then Jezebel also posts an article titled worth it not having a drivers license. I can't tell you how relieved I am to see more people not allowing others to pressure them into driving and realizing it is not a necessity. I have actually never had a drivers license. I believe driving is a privilege NOT a right. So many people have a drivers license and can not drive. How the hell did they pass their test? I am an awful driver, I have a lead foot and serious road rage. I also had more than one incident that has brought serious anxiety when I am behind the wheel. I didn't like driving and was not confident in my skills. Then when the incidents happened, they heightened my fear and anxiety with driving. I have anxiety attacks while driving, so I choose not to drive. I feel it would be wrong of me to drive knowing I could have an anxiety attack and possibly pass out behind the wheel causing an accident or even death. I have gotten by just fine without a car, though sometimes (very rare) I ask for a ride. I also will not get in the car with you if I feel you are an awful driver. I know many of you will say 'How dare you judge us drivers when you don't even have a license". I can respect that but, you have to respect that if you drive like a crazy person and don't follow simple road rules, I have the right to never get in your car again. I have a few friends that are HORRIBLE drivers. I just don't understand how they got their license. 

 I have been called a bad mother for not driving. I have been told I am abusing my kids for making them walk and take the bus. If anything I have taught my kids independence and geography. My kids can walk all over town and know how and where to go on foot, but we are still working on the bus systems. I would get the "You need a license for emergencies" bit when my kids were little. So, If I have my license and there is an emergency will a car magically appear in front of me to use? I thought not. I don't have a car so the license won't matter in an emergency anyway. I can't even afford to have one right now, so we save money, sorta. I buy bus passes that can be used more than once and I also have a Clipper Card for BART and Muni. I wish the Clipper Card was good for Tri Delta Transit, but nope. I walk more than anything because many of the stores are close by. Target, Walmart, Sears, 99 cent stores, lots of banks and a mini mall. Los Medanos College is even in walking distance. The grocery store isn't really that far and I usually walk to the store then take the bus home. 

 Now the thing that drives me crazy is when people tell me I need a license and then I see them drive to the mail box. YES the mail box! I see people drive to the store to get less items than me. They may beat me to the store, but I get more stuff and still make it home before or at the same time as them. My neighbors always say "Dang Lisa you walk fast." Yes I do. I think if I drove I would be hella fat and more lazy than I already am. I think some people take driving for granted and don't realize what they are missing out on. I know there are times when a car is the better option but...Why do you have to drive everywhere? Why can't you jog to the store, or walk with your kids to school? You're missing out on life when you are always in a rush. What's the hurry? I have met some interesting people walking and on the bus. I get to pet dogs on my walks and enjoy nature. 

Like I said before I believe driving is a privilege not a right. Too many people take it for granted or abuse it. Stop, get out of your car, and walk. Take the bus and enjoy the interesting people. Plus it's better for your health if you leave your car at home a few times a week. Come on, you can do it.

I had to add this. lol

I'm 35

Yesterday was my 35th birthday. Hooray! I wasn't feeling well and slept most of the day, BOO! I received one call, one text, one email (I thought that person forgot about me), and 50+ Facebook Happy Birthday greetings from friends and family. There is something that I realized. With social networking people have become super lazy, me included, that we don't even bother to call or send cards anymore. I feel I could do better in the birthday greeting department and will make an effort. Now that I have said that, I just noticed I missed my nephews birthday. GREAT, well better late than never, right? So I'll send his and his big sisters card at the same time.

So I have been reading my books for the challenge and they must bore me because I keep falling asleep while reading them. Maybe I am still ill. Thursday is my 7th day, so I need to get going. I didn't read much Saturday (super sunburn) or Sunday (ill), only when I took a bath. Haha bath time is reading time for me. i really do want to complete all 7 books. The goal is to finish 2 tomorrow. We'll see.

Taken Sunday, See my ugly sunburn. I think it's a sign I'm going to hell. Only I would get burned at a church event.

A promise made.

I just started the 7 day book challenge. I was going to wait until July 1, but I was really bored today and thought "If i'm bored and not being productive, then I need to find a way to be". So I started reading. In the first chapter of The Woman's Book of Confidence it is said to embrace and get to know the stranger(s) within. We all have other selves. No one is exactly the same with everyone, not to mention our critical self. The book says to get to know that critical self, to learn why it's so scared or angry. To comfort that part of you and heal from within. we need to accept ourselves and give positive self talk.There is also a part in the chapter about growing a tail. Meaning owning up to our actions and being responsible. Like I said in previous posts I am a procrastinator and always felt i needed someone else to wind me up. I am also bad with the critical self, i have a horrible habit of bashing myself. I also have a hard time accepting compliments. These are things I need to work on.
~
On another note. I have been having a hard week. Which is why I really wanted to do the challenge. I need to read up on how to better myself and work on accepting myself. On Sunday July 1, 2012 I will be 35 years  old. that is not old, but I feel unaccomplished. The goals I set 10 years ago did not get fulfilled and I feel like a failure. I didn't work hard enough, I was careless with my finances, and I let my relationship fall apart and end. I am in the same spot I was ten years ago and I have nothing to show for it. Yes I am bashing a little, but at the same time I need to own up to the procrastination, the fear, and the irresponsibility. It is my own fault I am in this shitty position today.
There is one promise I made to myself at the same time I made these goals. I would only allow myself three more relationships (after the kids father), if none of them succeeded, then I would put myself into retirement. It has been 1 year and 11 months to the day since I was in a serious relationship and two months since I have been intimate with anyone (just so happens to be my ex). I have even quit masturbating. Now my question is, Is this the right thing to do at my age? Am I being silly about this? I just want to give up and walk away. I do need to work on myself, and I believe you cant be in a healthy relationship with someone else if you don't have a healthy relationship with yourself.  At least I have been using this belief more as an excuse than anything. After the kids father I had two 6 month relationships and then 6 years with Ryan, until he ended it August 29, 2010. I had a brief unwanted relationship with someone and then a few random dates. Nothing worth talking about.  I don't know. I think it's time to let go.

We can't use our past as an excuse to stay in bondage to a negative, defeated approach to life. - joyce meyer ministries  {whoa, I just saw this on facebook while I was responding to a message. perfect timing}

The 7 Day Book Challenge

In my last post I wrote about a blog I love to follow by the name of  In over your head. Last night as I was looking through the blogs I follow Julien had a new post titled How to read 7 books in 7 days. I thought FABULOUS! I've been looking for a challenge. Plus I have been putting off reading certain books I keep saying I will read. So, I will put my procrastination aside and get busy on this challenge. In the blog Julien states "If you can, choose books that stack on top of each other so that you learn successive, stacking topics." So I chose a theme for myself - Self Awareness. I have been wanting to read these books and have skimmed through most. Two of the books I read a few years ago when I needed them for a class at LMC. Each book has something I feel I want to learn to help better myself and my awareness to myself and others. 

The books: 

.1 The Woman's Book Confidence by: Sue Patton Thoele

.2 Breakthrough Dreaming by: Dr. Gayle Delaney

.3 Quest by: Denise Linn

.4 The Intuitive Way by: Penney Peirce  I have the hard cover 1997 Ed.

.5 Your Handwriting Can Change Your Life by: Vimala Rodgers This is the PDF version. so you can read it too :)

The next two books are by a great  Marriage Counselor & Psychology Professor at Los Medanos College and JFK University.

.6 More Than Just Sex by: Daniel Beaver

.7 Creating Intimate Connection Emotional Intimacy by: Daniel Beaver

He also has a blog and youtube channel

danbeaver - youtube

danielbeaver.com/blog

Now lets get this challenge going

I'm a bit embarrassed that I allowed this to happen

“Following-through is the only thing that separates dreamers from people that accomplish great things”. ~ Gene Hayden 
 (http://daringtolivefully.com/procrastination-quotes)

I have been lazy lately. Procrastinating to the fullest. I AM A PROCRASTINATOR. I always have been, but I would have moments of  mass productivity. It's as if someone came up to me and wound the little handle and whoosh I am off, then I wind down and ppfft nothing, until someone else winds me up.  Why does it have to be someone else? Do you see my dilemma? Do you see how I am hurting myself waiting for others to wind up my ass? Haha, wind up my ass sounds naughty. 

I have lists upon lists of things I want or need to do. Lists of goals from years ago. I'm just finding them now because I cleaned out some boxes and files. I'll have to take a picture or scan some to show you what I mean. I'm still sorting through them to see if any important phone numbers or addresses are on them. I have also found old school notebooks, old homework, and i even found some money, YAY, okay not really. I think it's awful to find money while cleaning, that means i was being irresponsible with it in the first place. Though there are rare times I hide money, but I am specific on where to hide it.

What does being a procrastinator, getting wound up, and having a mess have to do with each other in this post? I never get anything done because I am always waiting for someone to crack the whip or wind me up. Sometimes that crack of the whip is when I see how well others my age are doing. I think "What the hell did I do with my life?" Having kids is no excuse, yes my kids have always come first, but what else did I accomplish? Nothing is the answer. I can't find anything I have done worth acknowledging. I feel like somehow I failed at life. A horrible way to talk to myself, right? Well it's the way I feel sometimes and it's those moments that wind me up and get me going. I'm not a fan of the "Keep up with the Jones" lifestyle. I don't want the newest gadget or have nice things to show my friends. That's not what this is. Sometimes we need something to happen for us to re-evaluate or life. Today just happens to be one of those days. 

So, what am I embarrassed about? Being the unaccomplished lame procrastinating list maker. That's what! It's awful and I need to do something about it because I am tired of being in this self hating state. Only I can make my life better, not the other person who has to come wind me up.  The decisions I have made in the past have put me where i am today. Some decisions have cost me precious time and people. I can't get those back and I know it, yet here I am dwelling on old lists and being a jealous brat. I keep telling myself I want to change, I keep making lists, writing blogs, and crying about how unhappy I am. I'm not just embarrassed, I'm disgusted in myself for allowing it to get this bad. 

I have been reading two blogs that I feel inspirational. I have done some of the homework and lessons these blogs have offered. The first blog is daringtolivefully.com by Marelisa, I have been following her blog for quiet some time. Though I have not attempted all her techniques, she has many to offer. I am working on her 7 part mini course called Create and Achieve Your Life List. Ironic huh? The life list is similar to a Bucket List and well that's how I found this blog. I was looking up Bucket list information. The second blog is by a man named Julien, the site is called inoveryourhead.net. In over my head is right. He just started giving out homework on weekends. Though I have not been posting how my homework went over the weekend. I think I should start. This weekend is about Confidence. I am to emulate the person i fell has the confidence I want. So we'll see if I can do it. 

I think this is a step in the right direction, both blogs help show you how to get rid of the fog and negativity in your head. They give ideas on how to be more productive, mindful, and self awareness. I just need to read them more and really start paying attention to my feelings. Instead of letting my feelings overwhelm me, I could meditate or take a moment to release those feelings in some writing. I need to start writing down how I feel right when I feel it, so I can work on understanding it. Then I can become more mindful of my feelings and actions. While I am working on my emotional state I can start getting out in the world and living life. No more envy,disappointment, and self hate. I know it will take time, but i know I can do it. At least that's what I keep telling myself today.

~Lisa

Hot Momma & kids

The weather has been ridiculous. I wish it would make up its mind. Over the weekend it was in the 100s and all we did was sleep or watch movies. It was just too hot to function. So much so that David and I both became ill. I don't know how people work outdoors in such heat. Farm workers, landscapers, and construction workers; I give you all much respect for the work you do. 

I live in an apartment complex that is considered the projects, it said so in my lease when I moved in. It is low income housing (Sec 8/ HUD/ Tax credit). I'll go into more detail about my life in The Projects another time. Don't get me wrong, I do love my 'hood, but today we talk about the Heat. We recently had some remodeling done and all of a sudden we are no longer allowed to have window air conditioners due to some fire safety issue. All these years we've had the window air conditioners and now we can't? Weird... and it sucks because it is too darn hot to be upstairs in this heat. I have 2 floor fans and a ceiling fan (in the dining room) going 24/7.  Lucky for us it is just cool enough to handle the warm weather upstairs tonight. 

My twin (not really twins) Virginia invited us to go swimming at her place today. It was perfect timing since it was in the mid 90s today. The kids had a good time. David said he didn't want to go but i made him, and then he says "I'm not swimming" but he did. Crazy kid. I didn't swim, but I did get to have some sister time with Virginia; it's been a while since we talked. 

It was a good day for a hot one. 

Just having a good relaxing time.

craving veggies & an ER visit

from fanpop.com

I have been seriously craving veggies. I'm also craving pizza, so I thought I would order my favorite. Sadly it did not satisfy my cravings. wah wah wah.... I had four slices of pizza and some cheesy bread. I'm stuffed and yet not fulfilled. Now what do I do? maybe I should have ordered a salad too.

This week was okay, I did pull a muscle in my upper back that cause serious problems with my right arm and chest. I had to go to the ER because I had a hard time breathing and my right arm became numb. It was a little scary, but I knew I would be okay. I'm just glad it was a pulled muscle and nothing to do with my lungs or heart. with all the questions they asked I was a little worried. It did make me think about what I am consuming. I bought coconut juice and Arizona Ice teas instead of a bunch of soda. I still had soda but not as much as I usually do. I gone from 4liters a day to 20oz a day. That's a good start, right? I hope to have it down to a can (12oz) or a glass at one meal a day and then to only drinking it when I dine out or have pizza at home. I have to have a soda with my pizza.

I didn't measure myself this morning. OOPS so I'll do it in the morning. That's all for now, i don't really have much to say. I'm tired from all the food I ate and I have to get up early to get the house ready for my sons graduation/ acceptance party on Sunday. I'll talk more about that tomorrow. Good night kids.

Lisa

Back to Basics

I'm doing okay with the betterment of me. I have lost weight already, reduced my eating and drinking of sodas. When I do the grocery shopping later this week i will not buy sodas. Oh wait, I have to buy sodas for Sunday. Blah.

That is not what this blog is really about. It's about reducing the crap I buy, recycling things no longer needed, and reusing what I can.  Yes, I'm going to try again at non-consumerism. Only buy what I need and use what I have.  I keep telling myself I must do this because I am a pack rat. You can still walk through my home plus I can vacuum and mop so I am not a hoarder. I don't want to become one either. I want a more simple life style. The hardest part about that is my books. I just can't give them up. 

Now, there are some things I am having a hard time deciding on. I have a stereo system that needs speakers. Do I buy speakers or do I just donate the stereo system because I don't have the speakers? Also, Samantha has a bunk bed we just took apart the top half and stored it in the closet. I am thinking of tossing out the frame (damage and a piece missing) but keeping the mattress. I will be breaking up and tossing out the old dresser my son has been using. The drawers are getting stuck, the wood is chipping and there is some damage to the top. It does not look fixable. I gave him my dresser which fits in the closet and gives him more room. I have a few bags of blankets and clothes that will become quilts or purses/bags. We have a bunch of supplies to make Christmas ornaments as well. I think it's time to use all this stuff up or at least get it better organized. 

The not buying things shouldn't be too bad. I have been making a list of things we NEED and numbering them by importance. I will purchase the items when I save money for that specific item. No buying on a whim, and always have a plan. The hard part will be not buying the yummy quick snack foods that I usually get. I will have to really keep control while shopping. I was telling myself (yes I talk to myself. SHUT UP) I will only shop once a week with a list and only buy what is on that list. I need to make do with what I have and fix what can be fixed. Instead of just tossing it. 

So the plan is to well... make a plan, stick to the list and try to reuse everything I can. 

On another note, I am trying to read every book I own (that's a lot). At the moment I am re-reading It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken &  for the first time I am reading He's Just Not That Into You. 

Black Diamond Mines 6.3.12

Happy Sunday! 

Today Samantha and I walked to Black Diamond Mines. While walking one of the trails a hawk kept flying low over us. I'm guessing it had a nest near by. We visited Rose Hill Cemetery and found a baby rattle snake sleeping on one of the grave stones. We found a dead young owl and ground squirrel (RIP). We ran through a swarm of bees too. Then as we were leaving a cow was seriously watching us walk out of the park. We even saw some wild turkeys on the way home. It was about 8 miles from our home to the cemetery and back. I wore the new shoes I bought yesterday to break them in. I forgot that some new shoes make my feet go numb after a while. By the time we got home I had to take a bath and soak my feet and ankles. It was well worth it though. 

aww baby rattle snake. 

How now, brown cow... stop watching us.

Let the June Challenge begin.

http://lowfatdietplan.com/bmi-chart

I started today with a new challenge. I want to better my health, and make new "good habits". I weighed, measured and took pictures of myself today. I will do this every Friday and post my progress.  My goal is not really to lose weight, but to be more healthy and fit. According to the chart above at 5'2" & 155 lbs (11 stone) I am overweight. Up until 2003 I weighed between 134-140. I started gaining weight and getting fat. Okay i'm not really fat, but have have more fat than I want. I am getting sluggish and sometimes I get exhausted out of nowhere. I do not smoke, occasionally drink, and I don't do street drugs or Prescription (Rx). I've never been a fan of any of that stuff, though I have tried marijuana, all it did was make me tired. I think it's only purpose is for medicinal use.

I will not make myself give up anything, but learn to have what I love in moderation. I am working on a fitness goal plan that I can break down into smaller parts. Baby steps is what I keep telling myself. If I start too big I will give up.

So here is the Beginning:

Height: 5'2"
Weight: 155
BMI: 28 (overweight/ borderline obese)

Measurements:
Bust: 38 1/2
Arms: 12 1/2
Waist: 33
Hips: 42
Thighs: Left 24  Right 25  (is that normal?)
Calves: Left 15 right 15 1/2 (again, wtf?)

What has changed this past month & what I hope happens next month.

Blog Challenge days 29 & 30 go well together, So I decide to wait until this evening to post. Day 29 is to be a photo of myself & Day 30 asks: What changed this month and what you hope will happen next month.

Here I am. 

This is me, no make up (not like I wear it that often anyway), hair pulled back like always and just my sports bra. Not much to look at now, I think I was pretty once upon a time. I just let myself go.

What changed this month? I think i have changed a bit, for the better. I realized some things about myself that I feel are horrible habits and/ or traits to have.  Some horrible habits I have known for a long time. I chose to ignore the fact that they were bad for me. I don't exercise enough, I walk everywhere, but I don't actually exercise. I drink tons of soda, eat too much snack foods instead of meals, and my sleep pattern is off. I think i really need to change that.Why am I wanting to do this all of a sudden? I'm not, I've said this plenty of times before. What makes it different this time is I have noticed how much money I am spending, time I'm consuming, and life I am wasting. Not to mention I am starting to look very old. I am not happy about that, mostly because people in my family don't age well. If I don't do something now I will look old and really gross in five years. UGH five years from now I will be 40. I'm not worried about the age really but, I am worried about what my health will be like when I become 40. Yeah it may too little too late, but I'm going to try anyway.
I don't want to just better myself health wise but mentally as well. I feel that i am at a low point right now and can't get out. All I want to do is sleep while the kids are in school and then go about my day/night when the kids are home. I feel sluggish, anti-social, and just plain stupid. I want to do things that will bring me back up emotionally. I want to find ways to stimulate my brain. I'm so bored with myself and life. I kind of like being anti-social though. I always end up being someones therapist or end up participating in gossip and hate talk. GAH! Why are we as a society so interested in talking shit about everyone else like we are better than them. I think most of the time I am saying WTF? Really, they did/said that? Why would they do/say that? It's old and repetitive. I'm done.

What do I hope will happen next month? Well it's June and the kids get out of school on the eighth. David (my son) has his eighth grade Promotion Ceremony on the seventh. YAY! David was also accepted into the AHS EDGE Academy. We went to the EDGE Expo and ribbon cutting ceremony tonight. It was very exciting. For the month of June, I hope start to better myself. I have a list of things I want to do this summer. I have goals I want to accomplish as well. June is the starting month. I am giving myself 3 months to get some things done and some things started. I don't want to start out doing it all at once and then give up cause I am asking too much of myself right off.  Stepping stones is the way to do it. I figure start something new every two weeks and I should be okay.  There are thirteen weeks until September 1st. I have eight total goals/challenges for summertime.

Challenges
1. Detox- Tea, fruit, and veggies for 30 days (water is a given)
2. No Facebook (exception for Davids Promotion Ceremony/dinner)
3. 30 day book challenge: How many can I read. (I may change it to the whole summer)
4. Summer self portrait challenge (a photo of myself everyday this summer)

Goals
1. walk/jog & Body Rock everyday (cardio or dance three times a week)
2. Make 5 purses/bags
3. Make 3 stuffed animals (one for each of my kids)
4. Make a quilt

The detox is needed. I ingest way to much sugar, salt, and caffeine. I will be substituting tea for soda and will gradually add coffee in the mornings. I'm not a big fan of coffee but will have one serving in the morning sometimes. I walk a lot already but I would like to add some jogging into it and go for longer distances. The Body Rock program will be great for me to do instead of going to a gym and I can even do the exercises anywhere if I have my phone. The photo challenge is more for me to record my progress.
I have all this stuff sitting in garbage bags waiting to be cut and sewn into something new, and I think it's time to recycle those items. Plus it will declutter my apartment and help me get back into non-consumerism.

The end of Mays 30 Day Music/song Challenge

Listen to a song the year your mother was born: 1959

The Fleetwoods - Come Softly to me. Music at that time was magical and I still favor it over todays music.

Listen to a song by an artist/band that starts with the first letter of your middle name: M

Moby- Southside Ft. Gwen Stefani. HA I forgot about this song.

This concludes my 30 day music/song challenge. I am looking for another 30 day challenge to start on the first.

30 Day Challenge, Day 28

Today's challenge is to listen to a song that mimics nature. In my search for such a song I came across a youtube channel by Okanokumo. This may not be mimicking nature, but the videos are very relaxing and great for meditation or relaxing baths. This youtube channel is well worth checking out.  Below is one of the meditation videos. It's close enough because I couldn't find anything close to sounding like nature.

Blog Challenge days 25-28

Day 25: 10 Ways to win My heart. (Do I have to talk about this?)

01. Be sincere 
02. Don't be clingy or jealous
03. Dance with me

04. Buy me flowers (Sunflower, Anemone, Belladonna, and Dahlia are my favorites) 

05.  Cook dinner with me

06. be silly with me

07. Love to read

08. Love to watch movies

09. Have great communication skills (talk to me) 

10.  Be yourself.

I didn't like this and I feel uncomfortable telling you.  

Day 26: My religious beliefs

I was somewhat raised Roman Catholic. I believe in GOD, Jesus, and all that jazz. I believe in all religions and that they all have a purpose. I'll leave it there or this blog will turn ugly and angry. I don't want that to happen.

Day 27: Talk about my siblings.

I have 3 sisters. Cristy, Jessica, and Melanie. Melanie is the only one that does not have children. Cristy is the only one married. They all live out of California because they moved to Michigan in 1996, then Cristy stayed in Michigan while everyone else moved to Nebraska, and now my parents moved back to Michigan but Jessica and Melanie stayed in Nebraska. So we are all spread out. We will all be together this Christmas for the first time in YEARS! It will be the first time I meet my nieces and nephew. 

Day 28: The month you were happiest this year and why

I would have to say March. That's when I went  to San francisco, got to stay at a hotel for free, went to the zoo, Had HELLA birthdays in 1 week (March 12-19)  had a wedding at my house with a 4 day bbq/party.  It was awesome!

Song Challenges Days 25-27

I'm supposed to be doing this daily, but my kids have been sick and then we got super busy. GAH, so glad this month is almost over.

Day 25: Listen to a holiday related song

I actually love this song and play the hell out of it every year.

Day 26: Listen to a song you hate

This song was okay at first, and I mean just okay. Then some weird guy i went on a blind date with decided it would be sweet to dedicate this damn song to me on Kat Country 103. It just so happens that my mom and sisters were also listening ( we were cleaning house) and they laughed their asses off. I was so pissed and not at my family, but at this guy being all mushy on the radio like that, bleh.

Day 27: Listen to an artist that starts with the letter of your first pets name. Roscoe was my doggies name.

Day 24: Things I want to say to 5 different people.

SM- Thank you for becoming a big brother to me. For helping when i needed it even when I swore I didn't. For bringing me into the crazy yet awesome family you have.

RS- Thank you for becoming my friend all over again. For having the girly gossips and introducing your daughter to mine. They have become great friends. You are a sister to me and I appreciate all that you do.

JS- Thank you for for becoming my friend when we both thought it was so much less and didn't expect anything to come from it.. We have great conversations. I enjoy your different yet similar views on life. You make me laugh, keep me thinking, and it's fun to listen to you sing while you play guitar.

RC- You came into my life for a reason, to show me love, even if only for a season, and heart ache (you were the Karma that knocked me down as low as I could go). Through all that I still love you and you will always be in my heart... for a lifetime.

VV- Thank you fro being my twin. Thank you for being a great sister and my best kidnapper when I needed it. I love our conversations, they always make me laugh. You keep me in good spirits.


To you all, Thank you for being there when I needed you most. Even if it was the wrong time, the wrong reason, or just doing wrong. You have made my life worth living.