My Random Opinion

This was supposed to be about what I am looking for in a relationship, sorta.  Somehow it turned into what I think about all the quotes online about relationships.  This is what happens when I go looking for a picture or quote for the blog.  I get sidetracked and sometimes frustrated.  Most of the darn quotes are made by teenagers who don't know anything about love yet and the rest are from books or movies that are just B.S. stories.  GGrrrr maybe I'm just jaded. 

NOTE: This is just my personal opinion on the quotes I found while surfing the web.  So calm yourself.

- "Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely."
I agree you shouldn't be with someone just because you are lonely.  Though, I believe we cannot help who we fall in love with, only that we can decide whether or not to act on it.  Maybe that is what the quote means, but I'm not sure. 

- "If the relationship doesn't make you a better person, then you are with the wrong one." 
Horribly written. The only person who can make you better, is YOU.  Your partner can encourage and help, but they cannot make you a better person.  If your relationship hinders your ability to better yourself, then you are in the wrong relationship.  

- "FACT: When a guy wants you to meet his parents, you're into a Lifetime Relationship."
This is B.S. Sorry teen girl who wrote this. It may have been true in the 50s.  This is not 100% true, not even 50% true today.  I've met the parents and you know what I got from it? Nothing really,  maybe some new friends, but it didn't mean I was special.  

- "You really love her, don't you? A simple psychological question, no name was mentioned but suddenly someone came into your mind."
There is also one that says him.  When I read it, a certain someone did come to mind.  I am surprised as I did not think I felt that way about this specific person.  
Did you think of someone? Are you surprised? Will you act on it, if you haven't done so yet?  

- "One of the hardest things in life is watching the one you love, love someone else."
I can understand this one, but I disagree.  For me personally, The person that I loves happiness is important to me.  Happy in life, self, and love.  I would rather the person I love be happy alone or with someone else, than be miserable with me.  

I think I'm done, maybe I'll do another at a later time. My head hurts from all these crazy quotes.  

March Goals.

First off, I have awful hand writing. I think i need to add practice penmanship.

I have decided what my March Goals will be.  I failed February as I did not blog every single day.  I missed about 3 or so days of water and exercise.  I guess I did okay for February.  March will be hard.  I can be a social person online and I have a hard time keeping my mouth closed.  The purpose of this goal is to learn to just be in the moment.  To not look at my phone when I am bored.  To learn how to be less open to the world, and keep many things to myself.  I've been doing okay with the keeping certain things to myself.  I need to improve on it.  I will continue with Februarys goals as well except I will reduce my water to 80 oz.





- Be Mindful of your words.  I need to practice this, I have a habit of saying things I regret, I don't analyze what I want to say before I say it.  I need to slow down and think.   I have a list of words and phrases I would like to remove from my vocabulary.  Now I need to think of some fabulous words to add.

- Less Social Media, 3 days a week at most or an hour a day (posting blogs on sites). Blogging doesn't count and I can blog as much as I like.  Like I said above, I want to stop going to Social Media every time I'm bored.  In my last post about the dreams I've been having, I removed myself from Social Media completely.  I will not be doing so at this time.  I will reduce my time and decide which accounts should be deleted and which will be useful to keep.

- Giving up and letting go.  This is just my way of saying the time of purging is now and must be complete by the end of March.  When it comes to people.  I just wish the ones who stick around because they are bored, or because they feel sorry for me would just go away.  There are so many people that keep me around for no reason.  They aren't really my friends, I'm just a part of their collection.   Then there are the few that have me around "just in case"...  I was once a person who did that to someone else.  It's awful.  Don't do it.  Please don't make me the back burner friend.  I do not know if anyone is doing that, but I hope if there is someone, they will be kind enough to tell me the truth.  

Do I Follow the Signs?

I have had a dream three times in the last week.  The first dream woke me up and frightened me.  In the end, I was alone, though content and happy enough, I was very lonely.  The loneliness was my only struggle throughout the dream.  It wasn't all the time, just at key moments of my life in the dream.  I seemed happy, I really did.  Maybe I was just feeling sorry my dream self and didn't like the idea of always being alone in the future.  There was no one in the dream that was friend or family.  There were strangers, colleges, and such.  Just no one close to me in any way.  What does that mean?  How do I proceed with that?  Do I remove everyone from my life or is this what will happen if I don't change?

Usually if I have a dream more than once some or all of it comes true in some way.  Two small parts have already happened in real life, I'm now waiting for the second half of one of these scenes to play out.  There are parts of the dream that came to me so vivid and strong.  Almost as if I HAVE to do what my dream was telling me.  The only difference in the dreams is when these things start to happen.  One dream started today, when something changed in my life.  In the dream I deleted all Social Media, including my blog.  I remove myself from the digital world.  I have been contemplating this drastic decision all week.  The dream had me pretty much remove myself from the world.  I went to work and I came home.  I did nothing else.  I became silent, distant, emotionless, and a workaholic.  No time for anyone or anything.  I no longer saw the world, as if I was walking through a frosted glass tunnel.  I can hear it all but everything around me was blurry.   It seems in the dream I was invisible.  Maybe I was dead in the dream.  No, that can't be right.  There were parts of the dream that death would not fit.

I won't lie or hide the fact that though this dream sounds lonely and depressing, I am okay with it becoming a reality.  The thing about these dreams is that a part of me somewhat feels the way I did in the dream.  Does this mean the rest of me will finally go along with it?   I truly wish I was silent and emotionless.  I have far to much emotion for one person to handle and I say too much.

I have been writing all this crazy lists and trying to figure out how I want things to be for myself.  Maybe that is why I keep having these dreams.  My silly ideas are forming into what might happen.  There are certain things, many things I want to change about myself and I believe they are manifesting in these dreams to show my either how to go about getting where I want to be or a warning of what will happen if i do follow through.  The question is Do I follow the signs?

Tuesday Is Completed

Today was busy but not really.  kids went to the dentist, I did what I needed and laundry.  Oh, laundry, the never ending struggle.   Good thing I like doing laundry.  It's dishes I hate doing.

Tomorrow is the Career Fair. I feel pretty confident and prepared.  Though this morning was not the case, I was a mess.  I needed to print out résumés to take with mme and I had started to edit one I had and prepare a new and improved résumé.  My laptop decided it didn't want to participate.  Word kept freezing and my internet was refusing to stay connected.  It was frustrating but I did my best to stay calm and positive.  I shut everything down, made breakfast, and showered before logging on again.  I was seriously praying I could at least email a friend a copy of my basic, boring, generic résumé that is more of a template for the old style résumés.  My prayers were blessed with the email going through. YES!  I was excited and relieved.  I thought I would have to fight for a computer at the public library just so I could print.  Thank goodness for prayer and friends.  I owe my friend a dinner date. He saved me today; Thank you sir.

Now it's time for some rest.

Manic Monday

Happy Manic Monday

I hope your Monday was Marvelous.  Mine started out energetic, positive, and bright.  I had an appointment for an onsite recruitment for a small local staffing agency.  Unfortunately it wasn't right for me.  I decided to see what else was out in the world of employment only to feel a bit discouraged by the lack of possibilities.  Maybe the career center I was visiting had not updated for the week.  I did find two positions to apply for so it wasn't a complete loss.

I applied for the two positions when I got home.  I forgot how long it takes to apply for jobs online.  Retail jobs make you take those crazy long personality quizzes to see if you're a good fit for the company.  The same set of questions asked in different ways, how fun.  I do have a Career Fair in Concord on Wednesday. YAY!  When I picked up the flyer today I saw a list of companies that will be there.  NICE! So of course I googled ALL of them.  Out of the 39 listed less than half are an option for me.  That sounds okay, even with 6 being Staffing Agencies, 1 is the agency I wanted to make an appointment with.  If anything I may learn something new and maybe make some good business contacts.  You never know these days.

After applying for the two positions and while doing some company researching, I spoke to my mother on the phone for over an hour.  We talked about everything; my grandma, cousins, sisters, my fathers job, their house, plans for their trips to Nebraska and California, what I'm doing now, talked about two friends of mine, my kids and the measles outbreak.  Yeah, we talked a lot.

The rest of the day was working on some chores and I started on my resume updating.  I need to finish that by 11 a.m. Tuesday because I have a Fair Housing workshop I'm going to at 1 p.m.  Then I need to  go to the Antioch Library to print a bunch of stuff since my printer is out of ink.  I'm too cheap to buy new ink at the moment.  Every penny counts, especially when the dentist called to tell me I have an appointment next week and my payment will be $76.00.  UGH! I don't have money to spend on things other than bills right now.  I do need the dental work done though.  I'm trying to stay positive and keep good energy flowing..

Positive things happen to positive people. THINK POSITIVE!

It's a Melancholy Sunday

I've been having an emotionally rough few days.  Yeah, okay, when am I not, right?  I've been planning, preparing, and hoping things go well next week.  My temporary position is done and now I am back out into the world looking for something new.  I'm excited and terrified at the same time.  February 18th was my last day. I took BART to Fremont then bussed to San Jose to visit with my grandmother.  I didn't blog while I was there because I didn't want to use my data.  Once I got home I worked on behind the scenes stuff instead writing an entry.

I had a nice visit with my grandmother. I helped her with some chores and we had a heart to heart.  I got to visit with my uncles who come over a few times a week.  I plan to go back if I don't have anything solid for work in the next couple weeks.

I have a list of things I want to accomplish at home before I start working again.  Such as cleaning the house from top to bottom. Finishing my purging without interruptions.  I edited my list today and broke it all down by room and even broke it down some more.  This is my crazy way of making sure I don't miss anything.  Once the list was done I needed to make a trip to the store to pick up a few things.  I heard Stomp by Kirk Franklin playing in a woman's car as she passed by.  That was all it took for me.  I got home and HAD to listen to Gospel.  There is something emotionally powerful about Gospel and I needed to hear it. It helped boost my mood, but as the day went on my music choices kept changing.  Pandora must have thought I lost my mind with my hourly change of genres.  I couldn't find anything I liked, nothing that resonated with my emotions.

At some point in the day, due to something said, a realization about a few friends hit me.  They aren't really my friends and I started thinking about the few times we've hung out and how things didn't seem right.  So of course I ask one of them and it was made clear that I was the "friend" people go to when boredom strikes and/or no one else is available because they felt sorry for me.  Well then, good-bye to you and the rest. There is more to this story but that is not important.  I'm not mad, just wish I would have noticed.  It's obvious I need to be more careful about who I allow in my real life.  I have a bad habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt and looking for the good in all.  I wish I wasn't like that.  I'm second guessing all my friendships at the moment.I know I shouldn't but I start over thinking.
This is when the Kelly Clarkson & Jason Mraz playlists on my Itunes became my choice for the rest of the day.  Their music can be melancholy and uplifting all in one for me.  I probably should change the music to something more fun or calming.

The fairweather friend removal has given me in a stronger purging mood.  Now I want to purge more than my home.  I've been saying I wanted to update my social networking and do some digital cleaning. Maybe it's time to remove people in real life too; I'll add those to my list.  The house first though. Home and personal care always comes first. Because I can ignore the internet and people, but I can't ignore my home, kids, or myself.  I sometime wish I was more like a friend (?) who can easily have zero attachment to things and people. No care in the world except for self, family, and close friends.  I would like to be less sentimental, attached and overly caring.  I'm working on it and slowly getting to a comfortable place of un-attachment to all things.  Someday I will have my shit together, I hope.

I'm not really melancholy anymore.  I feel much better, I guess I needed to vent.  Thanks for reading.  I am tired, so off to bed I go.

Good Night 

A Busy Weekend

I had a nice busy weekend. Busy enough for me to forget to blog.  Saturday I went to A Cut Above in Antioch and had my hair cut a little short. At first I was going in for a trim, but when I woke up Saturday I had a strong desire to try something different.  I have never had my hair straightened in order to cut it before. That was a new experience.  I like the new look and there are plenty of fun options with the new do.

I'm not a fan of the straight hair

I prefer this curly look

My friend JW came over as he accepted my offer to treat him to Tacos and Beer, and maybe a movie. We had beer and appetizers while trying to figure out what the next step was before the movie. It was still early, so we headed out to Martinez for a stroll down by the water.  As we stood on the dock someone was lighting heart shaped paper lanterns and sending them off over the water. It was cute to watch them. We decided to skip the movie as the day went on. The only option really was seventh son, which I want to see, but it got horrible reviews. I'll wait for it to come out on Netflix. By the time we were done walking we were ready for tacos. That's all we'd been thinking about. JW suggested a little restaurant he'd been to once before.  I'm always interested in trying new places.  The restaurant is La Primavera on Pine Street in Martinez and it was superb. A beautiful mural covers the whole place, I wish I would have taken a picture of some of the lovely art work. The customer service is on point, the employees work their asses off. We both ordered the Taco Dinner and as we waited I started second guessing my choice. We sat at the bar and had front seat view of every dish being made, it all looked fantastic. We got our tacos and devoured our food. It was delicious! I have to go back soon.  After tacos we picked up some ice cream, cookies, and brownies to snack on while watching Netflix. 

Taco dinner plate from La Primavera

Sunday JW and I went on a nice hike at Mt Wanda in Martinez. It was a steady up hill struggle.  I am out of shape and need to start walking and hiking more.  Maybe it's time for the weekly hikes again. While we were hiking, there was a man running/jogging up and down the trails. Talk about feeling like a fat ass while watching this guy, and of course I start thinking about food.  The view was lovely and the workout was a much needed ass kicking. 

We head to Concord and stop in The Hop Grenade Taproom & Bottle Shop ... I don't have a picture of the bread because I was too busy enjoying it.  It was the end of SF Beer Week so plenty of people coming in to enjoy the beer and appetizers.

Firestone Walker & Heretic Evil Twin

 It was fun to people watch while there. I overheard people talking about the app Untappd. My friend V had mentioned it before, but I never really checked it out. So I did what all normal people these days do. I downloaded the app, checked in and added my beer. While looking through options on the app we saw a beer that was near by at Slow Hand BBQ. So, guess where we went next? Slow Hand BBQ has some great food; It hit the spot for sure.  It's a hidden little spot in with some offices and a little shop. I forgot what JW got, which was going to be my choice until he suggested the Blind Pig for me.  It was good but I had a hard time finishing it. I should have gotten a soda. The day ended with some shopping for video games and hats.  Then a nice long nap, so long I didn't get up till after 6 this morning. Good thing I had the day off.

Brisket, Hot Link, and Coleslaw

Add caption

It was a nice long weekend. Well worth all the yumminess. Thank you JW for being my food adventurist partner this weekend. 

Truth is, I'm Not Ready

I used to ask myself this often. When I was young, the idea of being single seemed like a curse. Only spinsters and ugly women were single. If you're single there must be something wrong with you, right?  I was quick to hop into a relationship even if there were red flags. Being that I was a teen mother put more pressure on me to find a forever someone.  I dated, I had short and long term relationships, I even attempted to actively  search for "The One" and I failed...

 Or did I? 

At this lovely age of 37 and being single for 4 years now, I believe I did not fail. Those past experiences were to prepare me for the present and the future.  They were lessons I needed to learn. Such as learning to love myself so I can love another, to know my personal limits and set boundaries, to enjoy being alone and to not depend on another for happiness. There were experiences to explore, finding out what I liked and didn't, to learn to communicate better, and to understand that a romantically committed relationship is not black and white nor 50/50.  

So, to answer the question, Why am I single? 

I'm Not Ready

It's really that simple.  People do not understand or choose to ignore the concept of not being ready for a romantically committed relationship.  I can't even count all the times I get silly questions when I answered with I'm not ready. It has become habit to lie, and I don't like it.  I say I am not interested in one or that I am in one.  Clearly I am not in a relationship; I do want a relationship, someday, just not today.  Why do I lie? People are opinionated jerks, that's why. Let me give you a better idea of what I deal with when it comes to this question and my answers. 

Answer 1: I'm not ready.

People say:

1. Why? What's wrong with you? 
2. No ones ever ready, you just try to make things work.
3. So, that doesn't mean you/we shouldn't try.
4. Oh, so you're picky/lesbian/frigid/damaged/Pick any other insult

Answer 2: I'm not interested in a relationship

People say:

1. Cool, so you can be my booty call/ friend with benefits/ side chick, etc
2. Number 1 and 4 from above
3. What a**hole made you the B*tch you are now? 
4. When will you be interested? 

This is where I give a lot of sighs, eye rolls, and maybe a few rude comments back.  I'm sure there are plenty of people who can relate.  The worst is when I say I AM in a relationship and guys have the nerve to say, So what's that got to do with me?  When did people get so disrespectful?  When did we decide that relationships were no longer sacred and important? Now there are some exceptions such as being in an open, poly, or similar relationship.  The statement above is not the exception, it's just plain rude. 

Why am I not ready? 

I mentioned above that there were lessons and experiences I needed to learn from past relationships. One I am still working on is boundaries.  I don't really have any.  Most of you know this by my ability to discuss anything at anytime with anyone. Another issue is my alone time, though I have learned to no longer need another to get my happy refill, I have a hard time being alone for long periods of time. This is something I feel needs meditation and a deep internal view at why I don't like being alone for too long.  Geez I sound like a puppy with separation anxiety. I believe my anxiety about being alone has to do with my constant chaotic mind.  I have yet to slow down and calm my thoughts.  This causes me to become sometimes (un)knowingly passive-aggressive, because I say exactly what I'm thinking before I can think it through.  Even when I know my thoughts are irrational.  It makes me a jerk which hurts not only my friends or partner, but myself as well.  There is more for me to learn about myself and how I conduct myself in a relationship.

  

The 5 reasons I feel I am not ready:

1. I want to be more financially stable
2. I want to be able to calm my mind & express my feelings constructively
3. I want to be comfortable alone & face my fear of loneliness
4. To better understand what it is I need & want in relationship
5. Learn to make boundaries and enforce them

Have I met anyone that's a possibility?

Yes, I have met a few in my lifetime. I/They was/were not ready, they/I already had someone, or the time has passed.  Right person, wrong time.  I'm over it and moved on. The funny thing is I no longer look at people as a potential.  I think when the time comes, I'll have no clue. They may just pass me by and I'll miss out on a great relationship. Though I won't know it since it didn't happen. haha

Let's go back to when I said relationships are not black and white nor 50/50.  Let me explain, I believe you give 100% of yourself in all that you do.  If the person I am with can't or won't give 100% back, then they are not right for me.  If the person I am with refuses to communicate and discuss ways to possibly compromise, then I don't want them as a partner. It is important for me to have  communication, honesty, and openness in all relationships.

Now with all that being said hopefully you understand why I am single.  Too bad the people who ask all the time won't be reading this anytime soon. 

  

Throwing Thursday Back

Tonight will just be a Throw back Thursday. Why? Because I said so, that's why!

In random order

1978 Family photo. 

2004 Family photo

My parents gettin' down at Michael's wedding 2012

Oreo wrapping his feet around OJs head 2008

Me and Jen 2012

158 Labels

These are all the Labels (tags/categories/topics) I have for this Blog. Soon I hope to have it at the very least half this size. I want to pick no more than 60 (hopefully less) to be my main categories for finding content on this Blog.  It looks like a pain in the butt. Oh well, it will be done. Maybe my weekend project. 


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