I used to ask myself this often. When I was young, the idea of being single seemed like a curse. Only spinsters and ugly women were single. If you're single there must be something wrong with you, right? I was quick to hop into a relationship even if there were red flags. Being that I was a teen mother put more pressure on me to find a forever someone. I dated, I had short and long term relationships, I even attempted to actively search for "The One" and I failed...
Or did I?
At this lovely age of 37 and being single for 4 years now, I believe I did not fail. Those past experiences were to prepare me for the present and the future. They were lessons I needed to learn. Such as learning to love myself so I can love another, to know my personal limits and set boundaries, to enjoy being alone and to not depend on another for happiness. There were experiences to explore, finding out what I liked and didn't, to learn to communicate better, and to understand that a romantically committed relationship is not black and white nor 50/50.
So, to answer the question, Why am I single?
I'm Not Ready
It's really that simple. People do not understand or choose to ignore the concept of not being ready for a romantically committed relationship. I can't even count all the times I get silly questions when I answered with I'm not ready. It has become habit to lie, and I don't like it. I say I am not interested in one or that I am in one. Clearly I am not in a relationship; I do want a relationship, someday, just not today. Why do I lie? People are opinionated jerks, that's why. Let me give you a better idea of what I deal with when it comes to this question and my answers.
Answer 1: I'm not ready.
People say:
- Why? What's wrong with you?
- No ones ever ready, you just try to make things work.
- So, that doesn't mean you/we shouldn't try.
- Oh, so you're picky/lesbian/frigid/damaged/Pick any other insult
Answer 2: I'm not interested in a relationship
People say:
- Cool, so you can be my booty call/ friend with benefits/ side chick, etc
- Number 1 and 4 from above
- What a**hole made you the B*tch you are now?
- When will you be interested?
This is where I give a lot of sighs, eye rolls, and maybe a few rude comments back. I'm sure there are plenty of people who can relate. The worst is when I say I AM in a relationship and guys have the nerve to say, So what's that got to do with me? When did people get so disrespectful? When did we decide that relationships were no longer sacred and important? Now there are some exceptions such as being in an open, poly, or similar relationship. The statement above is not the exception, it's just plain rude.
Why am I not ready?
I mentioned above that there were lessons and experiences I needed to learn from past relationships. One I am still working on is boundaries. I don't really have any. Most of you know this by my ability to discuss anything at anytime with anyone. Another issue is my alone time, though I have learned to no longer need another to get my happy refill, I have a hard time being alone for long periods of time. This is something I feel needs meditation and a deep internal view at why I don't like being alone for too long. Geez I sound like a puppy with separation anxiety. I believe my anxiety about being alone has to do with my constant chaotic mind. I have yet to slow down and calm my thoughts. This causes me to become sometimes (un)knowingly passive-aggressive, because I say exactly what I'm thinking before I can think it through. Even when I know my thoughts are irrational. It makes me a jerk which hurts not only my friends or partner, but myself as well. There is more for me to learn about myself and how I conduct myself in a relationship.
The 5 reasons I feel I am not ready:
- I want to be more financially stable
- I want to be able to calm my mind & express my feelings constructively
- I want to be comfortable alone & face my fear of loneliness
- To better understand what it is I need & want in relationship
- Learn to make boundaries and enforce them
Have I met anyone that's a possibility?
Yes, I have met a few in my lifetime. I/They was/were not ready, they/I already had someone, or the time has passed. Right person, wrong time. I'm over it and moved on. The funny thing is I no longer look at people as a potential. I think when the time comes, I'll have no clue. They may just pass me by and I'll miss out on a great relationship. Though I won't know it since it didn't happen. haha
Let's go back to when I said relationships are not black and white nor 50/50. Let me explain, I believe you give 100% of yourself in all that you do. If the person I am with can't or won't give 100% back, then they are not right for me. If the person I am with refuses to communicate and discuss ways to possibly compromise, then I don't want them as a partner. It is important for me to have communication, honesty, and openness in all relationships.
Now with all that being said hopefully you understand why I am single. Too bad the people who ask all the time won't be reading this anytime soon.
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