Self Loathing: Refers to an extreme dislike or hatred of oneself, or being angry at or even prejudiced towards oneself.
What has become of me? Why have I reverted back to my old childish self? I am fighting these feelings of envy and insecurities. Yet, I fear they are winning and will take over my life. In the past 6 months or so I have become envious of many things, mostly sill things such as the way other females look. Why have I lowered myself to this horrible self loathing, angry person. I don't know if it's because I am stuck in a rut right now in my life or because i am single and starting to become very lonely. Maybe it's a little of both. I tell my friends and even strangers on the internet to love themselves as they are. That there is nothing wrong with them and they are wonderful. I am such a hypocrite! As I sit here trying to make everyone else feel better about themselves i am hating myself for not being them. I am not out seeking attention or a relationship. I don't fish for compliments and for a long time I have been happy with the way I am. So why now do i want to break down and pick apart every little piece of me. In December I had a few good days where everything felt right. It quickly went away and the darkness set in once again.
I can't get it through my head that i don't need to be like this. As I sit here and type this I know it's crazy and I should stop. I can't, or at least don't know how. I go through this vicious cycle that is eating away and my being, eating my soul little by little. Envy- anger- self hate- disgust- anger- sadness- self hate etc... It just keeps going. How long can a person keep this up before they go insane or worse? I've always had depression and i have Borderline Personality Disorder. This time around it's something more, something far worse then anything i have ever had. I want to just hide in my home and hope it goes away. I feel like I am split in two. This fake being for the public and then this withered up hollow creature in the dark. If you knew the things I say and do to myself you would never speak to me again or maybe have me committed. I don't know. I'm tired, of everything. I want to give up, but I have children to take care of so it's not an option.
I am not asking for help. I am not asking for you to feel sorry for me. i am just venting and letting this out. Writing in a paper journal isn't helping the way I thought it would. All the angry things I say in those journals, if i said what I write to myself to other people I would probably be in jail or dead.
I am tired and need to sleep.
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