Good News

    My county temp job ended mid February and I started to get seriously stressed when I wasn't getting interviews as quickly as I hoped.  March was drifting by and money was becoming non-existent.  We were struggling but still in the safe zone.  I decided to apply for assistance (welfare) but was denied.  The last week of March I applied for a new grocery store opening near my house. The open hire went well.  Old fashioned applications, two interviews and drug screening.  Interviews went great, I did more casual talk about the demographics of my neighborhood and how important it was for this store to open in such an area.  I also discussed dollar store produce, haha.  That was a Tuesday morning, I was told I would get a call by Friday for orientation if I passed the background and drug test.
   Friday came and went, I became super stressed. Questioning what could have gone wrong.  I've never been arrested and don't do drugs, so what could it be? Stressed and bummed, I continue to look for work. It is now April and I'm really low on cash.  I paid the bills that I could and made sure to get some food in the house.  On my way home from the store the following Monday I get the call about orientation, YAY!   I'm digging in my purse for a pen and paper (the receipt had to do) to write all the information down.  Orientation was that Wednesday and I needed work clothes.  I called my mother frantic to borrow the money for a single work outfit.  My parents wired me the money that same day.  The work clothes didn't cost as much as I thought they would.
   Orientation was an all day gig and gave me the chance to meet some interesting people I will be working with.  I had applied for the Service Clerk position as I have not worked in a grocery store.  I figured I would find my place within a few months and move into the department I liked the most.  Not a chance.  I showed up to orientation 30 minutes early and offered to help (only one), and I cleaned up before the trainer was done with giving my coworkers their training schedules.  Everyone was in a hurry to get out of there, I don't know why.  I stayed longer than I need to just so I could get as much information as possible.  When it was my turn to get my schedule for any training I may need, I was asked why I was a Service Clerk and that might be changed to Cashier because it would be a better fit.  I was given training days and told that would get a call about my status.  It took a week before I knew that I was moved to the Cashier position.
   I trained in Oakland for 3 days. The commute to Oakland was okay, I walked to the store and back to BART instead of taking the bus 511.org suggested.  Going home was brutal, riding BART after 3 is torture.  My feet were killing me and one of the days it was humid and smelly from all the sweaty people. Bleh.  Yeah okay, you all know this, but goodness I almost forgot how gross that is.
On my last day training I passed my Cashier training test and was asking of I would consider adding another position to my belt.  Of course I said yes and I got the official call this weekend.  Instead starting next week I start tomorrow.  Woohoo, I'm excited.  More training but it also counts as work and I get paid.  I can't wait.
   I was so stressed a month ago and then things just started moving so fast.  I feel blessed and grateful for this job.  Sometimes it is hard to have faith and doubt sets in.  But, I never gave up and I've always had faith.  Things are still tough, but they will get better.

One of Those Days

Though my day started out like every day since my job ended, it became a day of stress.  Almost every day is highly stressful but I work through it the best I can. Sometimes all I can do is laugh.

Today was not a laughing day. It's one of those days where you need a hug, but no one is around. A kind of day when you need a friend, but you don't have one. It's one of those days when you go to bed early because you just want the day to be over, you just want to sleep your life away. Today is one of those days when you just cry, because there is nothing else you can do.

No Food

I had to get a molar extracted this past Monday. It wouldn't stop hurting and the roof of my mouth was rough. By Thursday night the roof of my mouth became swollen and the entire left side of my mouth, including my jaw was hurting.  I was having difficulty eating and drinking, so I decided to call the dentist. I was able to get in Friday morning to find out what I already knew. My mouth was infected.  Turns out, the oral surgeon dried out my mouth too much and irritated my gums when he broke my tooth to remove it.  Now I'm on antibiotics and was told I could eat soft foods.  Am I eating? No.  I still can't eat. My mouth is extremely sensitive to textures.  The only things I have been able to chew and swallow were a few string cheeses. I couldn't even eat a warm brownie. I can drink milk, warm tea, and room temp water.  I feel like I'm starving; I really want a fat burger or sandwich with fries.  Good thing about not eating this past week, I have lost 6 pounds. Maybe I should starve myself more often.  Just kidding, I love food too much for that.  But I wish I had a nice smoothie or milkshake right now.  Not sure how that would go with my sensitivity to textures at the moment.

I Don't Want To

I don't want to write anymore.  I know my melancholic attitude is annoying.  I don't want to tell you my story, my opinions, anything.  There really is nothing to tell.  There never was.  I'm tired, I just want to sleep.  To disappear.

My Random Opinion

This was supposed to be about what I am looking for in a relationship, sorta.  Somehow it turned into what I think about all the quotes online about relationships.  This is what happens when I go looking for a picture or quote for the blog.  I get sidetracked and sometimes frustrated.  Most of the darn quotes are made by teenagers who don't know anything about love yet and the rest are from books or movies that are just B.S. stories.  GGrrrr maybe I'm just jaded. 

NOTE: This is just my personal opinion on the quotes I found while surfing the web.  So calm yourself.

- "Fall in love when you’re ready, not when you’re lonely."
I agree you shouldn't be with someone just because you are lonely.  Though, I believe we cannot help who we fall in love with, only that we can decide whether or not to act on it.  Maybe that is what the quote means, but I'm not sure. 

- "If the relationship doesn't make you a better person, then you are with the wrong one." 
Horribly written. The only person who can make you better, is YOU.  Your partner can encourage and help, but they cannot make you a better person.  If your relationship hinders your ability to better yourself, then you are in the wrong relationship.  

- "FACT: When a guy wants you to meet his parents, you're into a Lifetime Relationship."
This is B.S. Sorry teen girl who wrote this. It may have been true in the 50s.  This is not 100% true, not even 50% true today.  I've met the parents and you know what I got from it? Nothing really,  maybe some new friends, but it didn't mean I was special.  

- "You really love her, don't you? A simple psychological question, no name was mentioned but suddenly someone came into your mind."
There is also one that says him.  When I read it, a certain someone did come to mind.  I am surprised as I did not think I felt that way about this specific person.  
Did you think of someone? Are you surprised? Will you act on it, if you haven't done so yet?  

- "One of the hardest things in life is watching the one you love, love someone else."
I can understand this one, but I disagree.  For me personally, The person that I loves happiness is important to me.  Happy in life, self, and love.  I would rather the person I love be happy alone or with someone else, than be miserable with me.  

I think I'm done, maybe I'll do another at a later time. My head hurts from all these crazy quotes.  

March Goals.

First off, I have awful hand writing. I think i need to add practice penmanship.

I have decided what my March Goals will be.  I failed February as I did not blog every single day.  I missed about 3 or so days of water and exercise.  I guess I did okay for February.  March will be hard.  I can be a social person online and I have a hard time keeping my mouth closed.  The purpose of this goal is to learn to just be in the moment.  To not look at my phone when I am bored.  To learn how to be less open to the world, and keep many things to myself.  I've been doing okay with the keeping certain things to myself.  I need to improve on it.  I will continue with Februarys goals as well except I will reduce my water to 80 oz.





- Be Mindful of your words.  I need to practice this, I have a habit of saying things I regret, I don't analyze what I want to say before I say it.  I need to slow down and think.   I have a list of words and phrases I would like to remove from my vocabulary.  Now I need to think of some fabulous words to add.

- Less Social Media, 3 days a week at most or an hour a day (posting blogs on sites). Blogging doesn't count and I can blog as much as I like.  Like I said above, I want to stop going to Social Media every time I'm bored.  In my last post about the dreams I've been having, I removed myself from Social Media completely.  I will not be doing so at this time.  I will reduce my time and decide which accounts should be deleted and which will be useful to keep.

- Giving up and letting go.  This is just my way of saying the time of purging is now and must be complete by the end of March.  When it comes to people.  I just wish the ones who stick around because they are bored, or because they feel sorry for me would just go away.  There are so many people that keep me around for no reason.  They aren't really my friends, I'm just a part of their collection.   Then there are the few that have me around "just in case"...  I was once a person who did that to someone else.  It's awful.  Don't do it.  Please don't make me the back burner friend.  I do not know if anyone is doing that, but I hope if there is someone, they will be kind enough to tell me the truth.  

Do I Follow the Signs?

I have had a dream three times in the last week.  The first dream woke me up and frightened me.  In the end, I was alone, though content and happy enough, I was very lonely.  The loneliness was my only struggle throughout the dream.  It wasn't all the time, just at key moments of my life in the dream.  I seemed happy, I really did.  Maybe I was just feeling sorry my dream self and didn't like the idea of always being alone in the future.  There was no one in the dream that was friend or family.  There were strangers, colleges, and such.  Just no one close to me in any way.  What does that mean?  How do I proceed with that?  Do I remove everyone from my life or is this what will happen if I don't change?

Usually if I have a dream more than once some or all of it comes true in some way.  Two small parts have already happened in real life, I'm now waiting for the second half of one of these scenes to play out.  There are parts of the dream that came to me so vivid and strong.  Almost as if I HAVE to do what my dream was telling me.  The only difference in the dreams is when these things start to happen.  One dream started today, when something changed in my life.  In the dream I deleted all Social Media, including my blog.  I remove myself from the digital world.  I have been contemplating this drastic decision all week.  The dream had me pretty much remove myself from the world.  I went to work and I came home.  I did nothing else.  I became silent, distant, emotionless, and a workaholic.  No time for anyone or anything.  I no longer saw the world, as if I was walking through a frosted glass tunnel.  I can hear it all but everything around me was blurry.   It seems in the dream I was invisible.  Maybe I was dead in the dream.  No, that can't be right.  There were parts of the dream that death would not fit.

I won't lie or hide the fact that though this dream sounds lonely and depressing, I am okay with it becoming a reality.  The thing about these dreams is that a part of me somewhat feels the way I did in the dream.  Does this mean the rest of me will finally go along with it?   I truly wish I was silent and emotionless.  I have far to much emotion for one person to handle and I say too much.

I have been writing all this crazy lists and trying to figure out how I want things to be for myself.  Maybe that is why I keep having these dreams.  My silly ideas are forming into what might happen.  There are certain things, many things I want to change about myself and I believe they are manifesting in these dreams to show my either how to go about getting where I want to be or a warning of what will happen if i do follow through.  The question is Do I follow the signs?