Hot Thoughts, Not So Hot.

This time of year has always been a bad time of year for me.  I don't really know why, it's just been this way for many years.  These past 3 years has become a little easier as I try to learn what triggers my anxiety and depression. Learning and recognizing triggers can be difficult.  Sometimes I have a delayed reaction and it takes longer to realize it. I have a lot of delayed reactions these days. I guess I'm getting old or dumber. Maybe both.  I can't have seasonal depression, it happens in Winter, right?  So what is causing me to be so down this time of year? I need to switch it around and make it my best time of year.  I love Autumn and it's coming up, so why do I get sad, lonely, and lost this time of year? I do not fear change, but welcome it.  Why can't I find the root of this issue? Ugh... so many questions I cannot answer and it's frustrating.

The last two days were rough, Monday I was having some difficult thoughts run through my mind. I was having a hard time controlling my thoughts.  The ride home was helpful, until I actually got home and my kids had a blow out fight.  I was so frustrated and upset that I had to leave.  My daughter went to her grandparents and my son stayed home. I went for a walk, but could not get calm. My friend JW came and picked me up. A few shots of Jack Daniels with good conversation and I was feeling better.  Then Tuesday the thoughts came back. Not as bad as Monday and I was able to focus on them better.  I decided to write down these thoughts and ask myself Why was I thinking these things, Where were they coming from, and What can I do about it.  Once I wrote it all out, I felt so much better. It also let me see my thoughts on paper.  A great way for me to review and face these thoughts.  My old therapist use to call these kind of thoughts HOT THOUGHTS, an instant emotional thought that makes you feel out of control.  Write it down and ask why, where, how, and what?

I know it's mostly me doing what I do best, over thinking. Why do I do such a thing? Is it because I have an overactive imagination? Is it because of my anxiety and my constant moving mind... Its as if my brain never shuts down and is always going 80 in the slow lane.  So, it seems the question I need to ask is How do I slow down my brain?  I have tried meditation, it only works to calm me, but not work out or control my thinking better.  Walking helps with my thought process, maybe I need to start walking again.  Walking gives me time to just let my thoughts flow and release whatever emotions they bring.  As above, writing helps as well, I think I will carry a journal at all times from now on.

I do have to say as the years pass I have gotten better. This is the first year that I did not try to hide from the world.  I don't feel as ill and a-social as I did in years past.  The physical aspect of this depression has not been present at all this year.  I am tired, but I think it's just my new schedule for work.  I think having the friends I do at this time has been a huge factor in my improvement as well.  I could never express my appreciation for their friendship. Whether they know it or not, my friends have helped immensely.

Now... How do I figure out this thought process I got going on?  My doctor suggests anxiety medication and exercise.  I may just take her up on that suggestion even though I am against medicating.  It may be helpful short term.  Exercise I can do. The question with that is, do I do it at home or join a gym?

xoxo,
Lisa