Which Path Shall I Take

I started my Mindful Happiness journey on my birthday. Organization is the goal for now. As I try to work on what is most important, my home, I keep feeling guilt and suffocation. Why am I so sentimental? At the same time, how can I be so cold about other things in my life? Weird...

As I go through belongings, memories, and crap I started thinking. What path in life do I want or need to take? I sat down, okay more like layed in bed, and tried to figure out which direction I want to go. The answer is: I have no idea.

What a surprise, right?

Path A: Stay the course I am on, with some positive change. A safe but predictable path.

Path B: The Straight & Narrow.  Safe and boring, but will be good for me.

Path C: The Unknown. I know how to begin, but no idea how it will end. Pretty damn scary.

There are parts of me that would like to go one of these ways. The question is, which one is the right one, right now?

Maybe I need to go to church and pray on it.

Whoa There

I've been meaning to post, but it seems things are getting busy and I can't complete the post I want.

I am trying to be more consistent with posts again, hopefully after this week. I can focus on blogging and working on some projects.  This week is crazy busy at work and home.  I have an inspection on Thursday (we have them once a year),  because I live in low income housing.  Big sale at work is coming, so lots and lots of price changes and new items.

Well that's it for now, Just wanted to let you know I will be back with more interesting things to say later.

bye for now

Stress Less is the Plan

Last night I had such difficulty sleeping.  Chest pressure, intestinal pain, and vomiting.  I was more than worried about my health today.  I went to the ER.  I was admitted and stayed for a few hours.  EKG, X-Rays, blood tests, and monitors the whole time I was there.  While I lay there waiting and hoping the results were good. I heard the doctor tell the lady next to me she would have to stay for a while because they thought she may have had a heart attack.  Of course I start to stress more than I already am.  Fortunately for me, they found nothing, but I was told at my age and with the medication I am on, I am at risk for blood clots and they wanted to do a CT scan.  Cancer runs in my family and I have awful luck.  CT scans cause cancer, I think the doctor said 1 in 1000 get cancer from a CT scan.  So I declined.  I would rather drop dead from a stroke or heart attack than get cancer and die a slow horrible death.  I was officially diagnosed with an ulcer and GERD,  due to stress.  They were not sure where the chest pain and pressure was from, nor the weird tingling sensation I was getting in my arms.  Oh well.  As I sit here, I feel like death.  The doctor suggested taking today and tomorrow off work, but I declined for tomorrow.  I had already missed work due to being in the ER for today.  So, now I'm off to bed in hopes of sleeping and forcing myself to get up at 3:30 am.  YAY!

Good night and sleep well world.

Sunday funday

Today was an unexpected adventure out of the house. I had planned on going to purchase 1 item,  but actually came home with new running shoes, accessories for Pride, and I treated myself to Tpgos & a movie.

Jurassic World was amazing as I expected it would be.  Good storyline, decent charactors, beautiful dinosaurs. I love dinos by the way.  I am Team Raptor for sure when it comes to the Jurassic movies. The only issue I had was the people behind me laughed loudly and talked through the movie. Also the two ladies next to me brought their toddlers who cried and talked through the whole movie. Grrr, personally I feel children don't belong in most movie theater showings.  There are ratings for a reason. So my movie experience was semi-ruined by stupid people.

I got some new shoes I will be using to walk and jog the trails. I start tomorrow.  I bought a boa, beads, and leis for pride. I also bought a spool of colored mesh to sew onto my white pettycoat for Sam to wear to pride.  We can't wait to go.

Now onto a more personal note.  Something is bugging me.  I am hoping it's just my mind over thinking.  I have this awful feeling something is wrong.  I can't figure it out, and it needs to go away.  This is making not trust people and be on constant alert .  If I knew who the vibe was coming from, I could attempt to confront the issue.  I have no clue who or what it is.  Frustrating to say the least.  If you know me and keeping secrets or know something I should. Please tell me. Whatever this is needs to go away.

I guess that is it for now.  Keep moving forward.

New Books for the Journey

Hello hello.  I bought new books this week.  I am hoping to use them during my Mindful Happiness Journey.  

ME: Five Years From Now is a life-planning journal. This book breaks your life down into 5 parts: Health, Relationships, Home & Community, Work & School, and Building on your Experience.  It also gives a list of questions and space to write for each section. Being able to write within the book will be fabulous. It also shares a lot of inspirational quotes. I will share as well as I go through the book. 

Building the Best You is also a self help journal. This is a 2 year journal with both years sections side by side.  It looks to be a reflection journal.  Asking daily questions such as: What did I feel today, What am I grateful for today, and what challenged me today.  There are also 8 sections of questions that are like a reality check of the big picture.  It will be interesting to see what changes have come through my life as I start year two of the book.  I can't wait to get through year one. 

I truly enjoy self help books and journals that give you a chance to reflect and look back at your mind set in the past and see how far you have come.  It's also helpful to see what set backs you may have had and what you did to move forward from them.  Sometimes we will forget how we handled a difficult situation as time goes on.  Being able to look back and see what you did, who was kind enough to help will give you better perspective for future problems.  It will also remind you that you can do it, you can get through anything. 

At the moment I am reading through each book to see if there is anything I feel I need to work on.  So a lot of note taking and preparing for my mindful happiness journey.   Wish me luck. 

A New Direction

In need of a new direction and I think I found it.  Okay, maybe not new, but it feels that way.  I have been stuck, in life, in love, trapped within myself.  I have been trying to find myself all over again, but there is this road block in my mind, my soul has drifted off into space, and I think I left my heart somewhere in the past.  I am LOST!  Mentally, physically, and spiritually.  I'm a mess.  My house is a mess.  My job is a mess, well not really, but somedays it seems that way.

I think part of the problem is that I have not been able to manage my time since I started this new job.  It's exhausting and once home all I want to do is sleep.  I barely eat and lost weight, I sleep but not well, and I've become asocial.  My job demands a lot from me and I am still learning how to work smarter, not harder.  Limited training has made me think on the spot and do a lot of trial and error.  I'm getting the hang of it and moving faster, but today took a toll on me.  It took every ounce of strength I had not to cry at work. It was just an awful day.  No one to blame but myself and I am hard on myself.  I have high expectations for myself, so I let myself down more than I should.  It's something I need to work on.

I recently purchased The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.  I have been wanting to read it for a while now and it was my gift to myself with my first paycheck from this new job.  I would like to start my own Happiness Project which I call Mindful Happiness.  I want to focus more on the little things, the moment, right now.  I am a planner, list maker, big picture thinker by nature.  Clearly being that way has not been working.  So it's time for a new approach.  It's also time for me to stop making excuses and procrastinating on finding my own happiness.

I started to compile a list of ideas that may work for my Mindful Happiness.  Though they may change as time passes.  So far this is what I have and I am hoping to think of more.

1. Be alone
2. Live in silence
3. Face my fears
4. Slow down
5. Organization
6. Give back
7. Disconnect
8. Set Boundaries
9. Mindful Mediation
10. Love Myself
11. Find my spiritual path
12. Reconnect with people/ make new friends
13. work smarter, not harder
14. Make healthier choices
15. Financial stability

If you notice, there is a theme.  I didn't realize it until I wrote the list.  Obviously I'm trying to tell myself I need to reconnect with myself, then I can reconnect with others.  When I was writing my list I looked up some words and phrases.  Somehow the word Discontent popped up in my search.  I wasn't looking for it, but it found me.  I think it's the right description for how I feel in my life right now.  

Discontent:  Dissatisfaction with ones circumstances. 

I am unhappy with the way things are right now and only I can change it.  So I am challenging myself to stop the procrastination and get my crap together.  Again.  I swear I go through this every year. This time, something is different,  this time it must be done.  I was comfortable before, content with the mundane life I had.  Even though I would complain from time to time, I was okay with how things were.  Not anymore.  

Time to do some research and see what else I can do to improve my Mindful Happiness.  I think I will start on my birthday, so I have a few weeks to work on setting up a plan and ideas to stay focused.  

Good News

    My county temp job ended mid February and I started to get seriously stressed when I wasn't getting interviews as quickly as I hoped.  March was drifting by and money was becoming non-existent.  We were struggling but still in the safe zone.  I decided to apply for assistance (welfare) but was denied.  The last week of March I applied for a new grocery store opening near my house. The open hire went well.  Old fashioned applications, two interviews and drug screening.  Interviews went great, I did more casual talk about the demographics of my neighborhood and how important it was for this store to open in such an area.  I also discussed dollar store produce, haha.  That was a Tuesday morning, I was told I would get a call by Friday for orientation if I passed the background and drug test.
   Friday came and went, I became super stressed. Questioning what could have gone wrong.  I've never been arrested and don't do drugs, so what could it be? Stressed and bummed, I continue to look for work. It is now April and I'm really low on cash.  I paid the bills that I could and made sure to get some food in the house.  On my way home from the store the following Monday I get the call about orientation, YAY!   I'm digging in my purse for a pen and paper (the receipt had to do) to write all the information down.  Orientation was that Wednesday and I needed work clothes.  I called my mother frantic to borrow the money for a single work outfit.  My parents wired me the money that same day.  The work clothes didn't cost as much as I thought they would.
   Orientation was an all day gig and gave me the chance to meet some interesting people I will be working with.  I had applied for the Service Clerk position as I have not worked in a grocery store.  I figured I would find my place within a few months and move into the department I liked the most.  Not a chance.  I showed up to orientation 30 minutes early and offered to help (only one), and I cleaned up before the trainer was done with giving my coworkers their training schedules.  Everyone was in a hurry to get out of there, I don't know why.  I stayed longer than I need to just so I could get as much information as possible.  When it was my turn to get my schedule for any training I may need, I was asked why I was a Service Clerk and that might be changed to Cashier because it would be a better fit.  I was given training days and told that would get a call about my status.  It took a week before I knew that I was moved to the Cashier position.
   I trained in Oakland for 3 days. The commute to Oakland was okay, I walked to the store and back to BART instead of taking the bus 511.org suggested.  Going home was brutal, riding BART after 3 is torture.  My feet were killing me and one of the days it was humid and smelly from all the sweaty people. Bleh.  Yeah okay, you all know this, but goodness I almost forgot how gross that is.
On my last day training I passed my Cashier training test and was asking of I would consider adding another position to my belt.  Of course I said yes and I got the official call this weekend.  Instead starting next week I start tomorrow.  Woohoo, I'm excited.  More training but it also counts as work and I get paid.  I can't wait.
   I was so stressed a month ago and then things just started moving so fast.  I feel blessed and grateful for this job.  Sometimes it is hard to have faith and doubt sets in.  But, I never gave up and I've always had faith.  Things are still tough, but they will get better.