Hot Thoughts, Not So Hot.

This time of year has always been a bad time of year for me.  I don't really know why, it's just been this way for many years.  These past 3 years has become a little easier as I try to learn what triggers my anxiety and depression. Learning and recognizing triggers can be difficult.  Sometimes I have a delayed reaction and it takes longer to realize it. I have a lot of delayed reactions these days. I guess I'm getting old or dumber. Maybe both.  I can't have seasonal depression, it happens in Winter, right?  So what is causing me to be so down this time of year? I need to switch it around and make it my best time of year.  I love Autumn and it's coming up, so why do I get sad, lonely, and lost this time of year? I do not fear change, but welcome it.  Why can't I find the root of this issue? Ugh... so many questions I cannot answer and it's frustrating.

The last two days were rough, Monday I was having some difficult thoughts run through my mind. I was having a hard time controlling my thoughts.  The ride home was helpful, until I actually got home and my kids had a blow out fight.  I was so frustrated and upset that I had to leave.  My daughter went to her grandparents and my son stayed home. I went for a walk, but could not get calm. My friend JW came and picked me up. A few shots of Jack Daniels with good conversation and I was feeling better.  Then Tuesday the thoughts came back. Not as bad as Monday and I was able to focus on them better.  I decided to write down these thoughts and ask myself Why was I thinking these things, Where were they coming from, and What can I do about it.  Once I wrote it all out, I felt so much better. It also let me see my thoughts on paper.  A great way for me to review and face these thoughts.  My old therapist use to call these kind of thoughts HOT THOUGHTS, an instant emotional thought that makes you feel out of control.  Write it down and ask why, where, how, and what?

I know it's mostly me doing what I do best, over thinking. Why do I do such a thing? Is it because I have an overactive imagination? Is it because of my anxiety and my constant moving mind... Its as if my brain never shuts down and is always going 80 in the slow lane.  So, it seems the question I need to ask is How do I slow down my brain?  I have tried meditation, it only works to calm me, but not work out or control my thinking better.  Walking helps with my thought process, maybe I need to start walking again.  Walking gives me time to just let my thoughts flow and release whatever emotions they bring.  As above, writing helps as well, I think I will carry a journal at all times from now on.

I do have to say as the years pass I have gotten better. This is the first year that I did not try to hide from the world.  I don't feel as ill and a-social as I did in years past.  The physical aspect of this depression has not been present at all this year.  I am tired, but I think it's just my new schedule for work.  I think having the friends I do at this time has been a huge factor in my improvement as well.  I could never express my appreciation for their friendship. Whether they know it or not, my friends have helped immensely.

Now... How do I figure out this thought process I got going on?  My doctor suggests anxiety medication and exercise.  I may just take her up on that suggestion even though I am against medicating.  It may be helpful short term.  Exercise I can do. The question with that is, do I do it at home or join a gym?

xoxo,
Lisa

A Little Happy Update

Waiting at Walnut Creek Bart in the morning..

So....
As you can clearly see I have not been blogging.  Instead I have been working, as in I got a 9-5 job, okay it's actually 7:30 - 4 but whatever.

I didn't want to talk about the job until I had been here for at least a month.  Well it's been about a month, so it's now time to talk. The position is a Temporary Clerk for the county I live in. The Boss Lady I work under is a Systems Analyst in one of the many departments in the County.  It's six months long, eight hour days, with an approximate 2 hour public transportation commute each way.  Yes, that means I wake up between 4:30 and 5:00 am to get ready.

Here is my new daily schedule

4:30-5:00 --Snooze the darn alarm..... OMG I'm gonna be late
5:32 --YAY! 93x is here (right around the corner from my house)  I usually sleep on this ride
6:10ish -- Arrive at Walnut Creek Bart to take 98x
6:24 -- YAY! 98x is departing
6:33 -- Arrive at Sun Valley Mall in Concord and walk the rest of the way to work.
6:45 -- Arrive at work
--- Clean my desk
--- Eat breakfast
--- Read or write in a journal while I wait to start
7:30-11:30 -- Logging in work from the previous evening and whatever else Boss Lady needs done.
11:30-12:00 -- Lunch ( I usually walk around the buildings or sit and watch the animals in the pond.)
12:00-4:00 -- Doing whatever kind of work that my Boss Lady needs.
4:24-4:35 98x to Walnut Creek Bart (this bus is always late... ALWAYS!!)
4:40-5:12 93x to home.  I catch the 4:40 bus IF the 98x makes it in time. It's only happened once so far.
6:15 -- Hi Honey I'm Home!!! 

By the time I get home, even though I usually sleep or read, I am too darn tired to cook. After a month you would think I have gotten down a schedule for home. NOPE, but I will... Someday

So now you know what I have been up to.
I think getting up early will in the long run be great for me. I have been trying to get myself on a schedule where I wake up before 6 am.  I have been struggling with that for a long while.  My only problem is I have loud neighbors and sometimes I am unable to get to bed at a decent hour.

I enjoy my job when we're busy, somedays I write or read while I wait for more work.  I'm not always super busy, but I always have something to do.  Next week will be off the hook busy as we are updating systems. Wish me luck...

My paper Clip Ram

He wanted my Banana, but I didn't share

Me taking a Selfie break. haha

It's that time of year

I dislike this time of year. Well, it's more of a love/hate kind of thing.  I'm trying to work on being positive and manifesting good energy. Why? Because I have something like seasonal depression and it creeps up sometime in August and ends in October. It seems to be coming early and I'm trying to stop it or at least reduce the level of stress and sadness it can bring. An overwhelming sadness, despair, and doubt. I don't want any of it.  I want happiness, and contentment.  I should be happy right now... I got a job, I should be excited. I'm indifferent.  I am grateful for the friends I have who care and fill me will positive vibes. I can't express what their friendship means to me.  I want to believe the positivity will help me conquer the issue I am having.

30 Day Challenge: Day 1- My Relationship Status

This card explains my life pretty well.  I'm not saying that all my past relationship were awful.  Only one was seriously dangerous. The rest just didn't work out. It takes two to tango, right?  I have nothing to tell about my current relationship status. I  don't have a significant other, but I do not consider myself available at this time.  Does that make sense?   I will say, it is great that I am not allowed to have pets in my apartment complex, or I would already have started my crazy cat lady collection.  I do care for a cute stray cat when he comes around.  Samantha named him DJ Meow-Mix (if you didn't know that). 

This will be me someday, maybe

New Challenges

I'm excited, are you? 

This will take some work. :)

I have decide to do two challenges for the next 30 days.  I don't know where these came from because I Googled 30 Day Challenges and then downloaded the pictures without writing down the darn link.  All I know is that they are from Tumblr... SOOO SORRY!!

I will change question 15 to Favorite Blogs instead of just Tumblr.
















The music one looks fun.  So expect a lot of youtube videos.

I'm not sure how I will do it yet. The plan in my head is one in the morning and one in the evening.  Maybe a few, depending on my day or content of the challenges, will be posted together.

I wish I could say it was PMS

I have been in bit of a funk lately.  I can't shake the shitty feelings I have and the doubts that run through my mind.  I would like to say it's PMS and tell myself to wait it out.  The problem is, this all started way before my PMS started.  My PMS does exacerbate the situation.  I feel restless, fake, out of control, and completely lost.  I hate the way I am feeling at the moment and I really hope it passes.  I have been here before and I know where it leads... to a dark place I don't want to go.  I know why I am coming to this awful place again, but I don't know how to stop it.  The fear and the urge is strong this time too.  I am trying to be careful.  I am trying to distract myself and not allow my mind to drift off to this dark place.  I fear I am losing this battle.

I just want to sleep until it passes.

Boredom Strikes

Doing some writing while watching Labyrinth

I'm sitting on the floor, watching Labyrinth, while eating my half burnt Digiorno supreme pizza. Okay I'm eating half and that's a whopping 700 calories... Yikes!  I think I may give up frozen pizza.
And maybe a lot of other foods I don't really need. I started using myfitnesspal and Endomodo this week.  I was using them before but my old phone wasn't able to keep up with the updates.  I may switch to a different fitness app to link to myfitnesspal. Anyway, back to the pizza calories.  I now need to work off 400 calories this evening.  I know I will have to start planning my meals and make a fitness plan to keep me on track.  Though I have these two apps to help me along, I also decided to use a fitness journal to keep up on my emotions and other habits.  I'll have to participate in some fitness challenges or make up some of my own.  

Speaking of challenges, I found some nice 30 day challenges I want to try, also I think I will make my own challenges to keep things interesting.  I want to combine photo, writing and music challenges together to keep me from getting bored.  I don't understand why I become bored so easily.  There is plenty to do and yet, I am bored.  

I need to get my ass in gear... work out, find a job, and get my shit together. I've been so unmotivated, lazy, and bored.